Everyone knows that not that far into a new relationship we do silly things like google our squeeze, check their daily horoscopes for insight on how best to make them happy, and run a variety of pseudo-scientific compatibility tools against what we know about them to see if the cosmos give their blessing to your possible union.

 Well, I asked the Chinese Zodiac to see if there might be something sweet brewing in my love life, and I got this:

 Compatibility of Year Signs -- Tiger and Sheep

This is a poor match. Your sensibilities almost guarantee that you will drive each other crazy the longer you stay together.

Holy Uh-Oh, Batman! Really?! I mean, sure. That's logical. Tigers and sheep in general are probably not so compatible, on account of one being delicious and the other being, well, a tiger. Also, factoring in the tendency for me to bungle up romance like Inspector Gadget bungles investigations, I guess I should have smelled the doom. But yikes, I always looked to the Chinese for soothing things... happy little things like ceramic kitties that greet you with one paw raised, egg rolls, and green tea. Good laundry service. Small feet. Chubby Buddha bellies. Furry little Mogwai. Fascinating ancient calculator devices that look vaguely like sex toys. (Don't tell me that an abacus doesn't make your nipples hard.)

 But I certainly did not expect the voices of my ancestors and all the ghosts of failed relationships past nagging me about when I'm going to finally do something with my life (i.e. have lots of kids and get on with the American Dream already) and quit wasting my time playing with sheep. Wait, that came out wrong.

I used to find it fun to think of myself as a Tiger, the only cooler Chinese Zodiac animal being a Dragon (whose awesomeness is partially attributed to its potentially fictional existence), and thankful that I wasn't a Monkey (monkeys bug me, as do people who like them a lot, but that's another can of worms for another day.) But now... now I'm worried. Now I think perhaps, I'm relegated to a life of becoming a Hall & Oates song incarnate. (Are there worse things?! I doubt it!!) Gah!!

**** Time Elapsed (12 minutes or so.) ****

Okay, sorry about the preceding spazzy rant.

Besides, what if the Chinese Zodiac is totally wrong? I mean, should I really trust something that's been passed down in oral tradition for centuries, then translated from original tongues and printed on fifty ga-zillion paper placemats for your pre-dinner entertainment? Likely not. For all I know, lost in translation, 'crazy' might be a good thing that they just came up with the wrong word for... I've seen plenty of  "Engrish" blog posts to know that sometimes hilarity ensues with the misunderstandings from poor translations.

You know what? Screw the Chinese Zodiac. Crazy's not such a bad thing. I can handle a little crazy.

...for now.

...until I can't resist the urge to smother him in mint sauce and serve him over rice.

So, to anyone reading this, would YOU act differently around someone you liked if you learned that your budding romance was an astrological catastrophe waiting to happen? Should I warn him?