I find it difficult to believe that I am not enough for him! I have been ‘too much’ for so many before, yet this one feels I am not enough. He insists on trying to make me believe that he is intended for multiple partners, and for many weeks, I believed that meant ‘...until I met you.’ Alas, it doesn't. He fully intends to pursue more women, more companionship, more sex, and yes - more love, despite my evident ability to not only make his cup run over – but to practically shatter the cup to bits with the bounty of me. 

This will be the straw that breaks the camel’s back when it falls. But, he is the center of his universe, and I am not enough. Nobody would be, but – not even me? I’m so much, darn it! To be fair, he doesn’t really know me that well yet, I keep surprising him, and if he knew me, that would be harder to do. I guess he barely knows anyone, now that I think about it. He doesn’t want to. He doesn’t need to. He knows his ideal, his (so far, imaginary) harem, and that’s all he cares to know. He doesn't even care that I really really don't want to be a part of that! He's convinced I'll comply when the time comes, because he can't see my side at all. I think I'm enough! I should be enough! It's not fair!

These are the words that run through my head when I cry myself to sleep many nights.  He is a textbook narcissist (and a wannabe polyamorist). It makes sense now. I don’t mean 'narcissist' it in the way that we hurl the word as an insult, but in the way that makes a trained psychotherapist gaze upon these fascinating traits with the wonder of a child finding a real live 4-leaf clover in a meadow.

It goes well beyond vanity. It’s important to understand that a narcissist’s personality is literally organized wildly differently than anyone else’s, and they like it that way. That is, they can see/feel the difference in the way they act and react and find it a point of excellence, rather than a mark of dysfunction. They are very special. And, yes, they will remind you that they are a pretty big deal.

They contradict themselves constantly. Sometimes, in the same breath, they will finish a sentence with a contradictory statement to the beginning. They do it on purpose, they think it's awesome. Some analysts say they do this because they want to see if the person they are talking to will point it out and argue, or which side the person will choose, toy with people and exert power over them. They think, “That brainless twit will agree with me no matter what I say.” Of course, that’s a little extreme, not to mention involves observing a reaction in another (which is out of character), so I more tend to think it’s just that they like always being right, and there’s no surer bet for being right than to play both sides. Contradiction is betting at a roulette table on both Red and Black. If you’re so sure Red will win, then why bet on Black? It’s contradictory – but it’s also a sure thing. Narcissists are not gamblers. The disadvantage is, you can only ever break even; the joy of winning is something I feel that those who exist in contradiction don’t fully get to experience.

They lack empathy. They don’t understand meanings or feelings behind what other people say or do, might only pay attention to the parts of a conversation that involve them, lose track of context, go off on tangents, or be unreasonably cruel. They have no way of predicting how another person will react, and the narcissist will often hurl insults at total strangers because they can’t fathom how someone might take unkindly to something the narcissist says. They think, “I’m funny, anyone who doesn’t get that joke is a moron, I don’t care what they think of me, they’re nobody,” when in reality – someone with empathy would know that bad jokes at the wrong time can end in serious pain, and avoids them tactfully, often for safety’s sake. Where this drives me mad with my guy is that he’ll do this while I’m with him, putting me in potential danger (something he has no way of seeing, because he is literally incapable of imagining what other people might do to other people), which – is not cool.

An interesting example of lack of empathy even among those a narcissist regards as his friends, is that he will often engage in solitary behavior when out in a social group, like, going off to the restroom without telling anyone at a concert, getting a drink at a bar without asking if anyone wants anything, or up and leaving an outing altogether if they get bored or restless without telling the others in the party. However, if the same action is done to the narcissist, there is Hell to pay, because, he sees himself as the star of the event, and not thinking of him accidentally (last you saw, he wandered off alone!) can result in him no longer wanting to be your friend, wherein the deprivation of his company is the worst punishment he can imagine.

They can say the most shockingly antisocial things, like, if there is a delay in traffic or a road closure, a narcissist would say "someone better be seriously hurt," or "standing in line is for chumps," or, "I am going to have sex with you," (in the latter case, usually said regardless of whether the person he's saying it to has reciprocal feelings or intends to comply) and they generally operate as if there are no other real people in the universe, only something like cardboard cutouts created for the narcissist's entertainment. Yeesh. I also have an unusually heightened sense of empathy, so these behaviors (in anyone) often make me especially uncomfortable.

They are inappropriately envious or competitive. Typical people feel typical envy when they try out for a part in a play but someone else who tried out for the same part gets the role. A narcissist feels their brand of envy when they watch the final production of a play, believes he could have done better, and therefore declares the play was horribly presented with untalented goons as the cast. They feel that they shouldn’t need to ever audition, that the world knows of their talent, and they are bitter when anyone else gains any kind of recognition for something they also know how to do, because the person getting all the fame and credit had to work for it, whereas the narcissist could do better without even trying, yet gets no credit. This also leads to a general bitterness toward bosses, celebrities, parents, etc. While many narcissists actually do possess some kind of prodigious talent in some area (or many areas) the absurdity is that they expect everyone to know it, and for them to be called upon to deliver their art when needed. Newsflash, the Boston Symphony doesn’t have you on speed-dial, they’ve never heard of you, you should go try out, and you would probably get in!!

They compete for popularity, without working for it. They hope that at a crowded city event, everyone who might also be there from their office would stop and say hello, etc., but a narcissist would never dare stop and say hello to the office coworker instead. They will expect you to ask about them "hey, Jim, how are you?" but would never ask you first.

They are usually stingy with details about their personal life, and so seem like they’re very private. When in fact, the case is actually that their real life is probably boring to them, so they think it is boring to you, too. They also may have a little touch of shame that they are not actually living in their narcissistic ideal, and don’t want to talk about it. They are focused on the static reflection of perfection that they love, and don't want to get distracted, make ripples, and risk sending it away, even for a second.

Which brings me to the darker, hurting side of narcissists: They are not all monsters, selfish and uncaring, with a sociopathic disregard for others. They have some vulnerabilities.

They are extremely sensitive to criticism while being extremely critical of others. A narcissist feels that he must be perfect, infallible, or highly superior – or else he is a total failure. (i.e., for the love of God, don’t tell him you faked an orgasm!). Narcissists often wallow in their malfunction to be what they expect of themselves, and the expectation is usually so far off from possibility, this can be dangerous. They tend to have an all-or-nothing way of thinking, in that if they had a life plan (marriage, kids, house, money, cars, vacations, fame, fitness, boats, etc.) and they only have one or a few of those things at the time they reflect on their situation, they will fall into a deep self-disappointment.

They think that others can fall short or make mistakes, because others are of course, imperfect. Actually, my guy is so sweet and comforting to me when I do something dumb like set off the smoke alarms during breakfast or break a dish... because he expects me to be fallible... (hey, now!).... but, anyway, I wish he would just extend the same human attributes to himself.  Narcissists are way too hard on themselves.

For example, staring at his reflection, Narcissus would not believe that his ideal, with which he is in love, has a butt; he is thus shocked, appalled, and disappointed in his epic failure to match his ideal when his own butt farts. Duh, everyone has a butt. Sheesh, it's not so bad. Though, it is to them. Incredibly bad -- the ideal gets shattered again and again.

They are extremely susceptible to exploitation. They are so insensitive and indifferent to what goes on around them, they find themselves unable to see that someone may be trying to take advantage, and they get suckered. Someone who figures out how to ‘play’ a narcissist will often get much out of the deal before the narcissist discovers he’s been had. Unfortunately, this does lead to deeper cynicism, paranoia, distrust, evasiveness, and deception for the future. When I met my guy, he had just been stood up by a girlfriend who was supposed to come over for the weekend from another city and probably move in with him. He had been paying for her cell phone, and after claiming to be in a car accident and sending him a text message that sorry, she wouldn’t be able to make it (ever?!), he continued to pay it for a few months before having it shut off. He incurred some pretty steep early-cancellation fees for it, and felt pretty used. She never contacted him again, that I know of. Now, I think, he’s more careful about sharing certain things with me (and anyone), because he didn’t see that betrayal coming.

I guess it's because I love the variety and imperfections of life that I find it so hard to relate to his trains of thought. Meh, probably not a perfect fit for a guy like this, now that I think about it. But the weirdest thing, he is easing up a little... it may never happen in the life span of our relationship, but he might some day be able to shed some of his more dysfunctional habits, if he can see how they don't serve him well. He’s already given up on road rage, which is huge. And, I think that sometimes he actually includes me in his ‘ideal,’ so I get some of the benefits of his self-love, and I could swear that now and then he feels empathy toward me. Maybe.

Changing him is not my goal; it would be impossible and disappointing anyway. I do kind of want to prove the crusty old scientists wrong, though. You don't have to run screaming for the hills as soon as you identify narcissism in someone. You can love these people, and its worth it just as much as loving anyone is. Of course, it has to be done with great delicacy, patience, and with understanding of what might be going on inside their brain, but I feel it’s a fair trade. I want to keep this guy in my life. He is a pretty big deal. He told me so himself.

And, who knows, either he’ll concede on the idea of multiple lovers, or I’ll leave him, or maybe something else will drive us apart, but no matter what happens; I do feel honored, privileged, and lucky to have met him. Not because he’s a narcissist and I have a fascination with psychology (ok, well, maybe a teensy bit of that), but more so because he is truly a wonderful person, with so much talent and love to share, and he makes me feel wonderful, I love taking care of him, and I love the ways he takes care of us. We fit together so well. This is my favorite relationship of my whole life so far, and I can’t wait to see what happens next. If it ends in pain, I think it will still have been worth the risk.