And also Bi, apparently. And here, I thought I was Ms. Straight/Monogamous/Vanilla.

I was lucky to trip over one of the most enlightening articles I’ve ever read on the subject of polyamory this morning. Oddly, it was on an astrology website, but, I shan’t look gift horses in their mouths. It’s well written, and I’m not shy to say the first and only time I’ve thought to myself while reading the latest ‘Poly vs. Mono’ debate: “Whoa. That makes perfect sense.”

The topic has been a source of mental anguish and confusion for quite some time for me, the sordid details into which I will not delve too deeply; but, suffice it to say, I have been strangled nearly to death by the green-eyed monster as recently as the day before yesterday, because I couldn’t wrap my head around the horror and pain of giving without remorse that which I felt should be reserved for a primary relationship to multiple others. Not to mention, all the people who seemed to associate with ‘the poly community’ were types that I’d really never want to have dinner with, let alone do the horizontal hula.

Thing is, I had the ‘primary’ relationship all wrong in my head. *I’m* my primary.

Genius. And now, things fall into place.

Granted, I’m still about as wobbly as a newborn giraffe with it all, but I’m trusting that strength will come. This all coincides nicely with (and may actually be precipitated in large part by) a recent personal renaissance I decided to have, and to essentially give up ‘being pathetic’ for Lent.

I discovered that I’m entering late adulthood while still acting like a kid. I have been relying on other people to tell me when I was happy and when I was not; letting others make my rules; and I have been codependent on too many people for determining my worth as a person. The sad thing is that it has worked relatively effectively until now – potentially doing much more damage than if I had cultivated a little selfishness sooner; if I had paid a little more respect to my Primary partner, so to speak.

For instance, I realize that I have relied on (not only romantic, but all) relationships to bring me things I needed, like, healthy eating. Left to my own, I order pizza delivery, have ice cream for dinner, or just skip it altogether. When someone else is involved, it’s all about fresh, balanced, home cooked, delicious, healthier meals. I love to cook, I especially love to cook for people who appreciate it, and I am totally uplifted when someone says that I did a good job. Not an uncommon feeling, pride. It's good to be proud of your work, it's good to make people happy!

But why would I do that to my ‘girlfriend?’ Why would I treat her like dirt in private while I’m living it up with others... knowing full well she’d probably love and appreciate it if I lived it up with her once in a while... See how that goes? If I think of myself as my Primary relationship, everything else makes so much more sense.

To go another step, why would I let other people say my ‘girlfriend’ is wonderful and charming and smart and gorgeous if I don’t believe that, and would never tell her for fear that her head would swell and she’d forget her place? What good does that do us? Why would I say, “Oh, no she’s not,” instead of “Thanks, I feel lucky to have her!”

On the topic of sex, well... since the debates surrounding Polyamory really seem to be all about sex; even that is making more sense. Nobody knows my body like my ‘girlfriend,’ and nobody can get me to climax quicker. Sometimes I’m just not in the mood for her, and sometimes I like to try new and different things with other people. When others try to do what she does; they’re not that good at it, vice versa, and so... I should respect that, and continue to respect her, honor her, love her, and appreciate her for her unique and wondrous skills.

I do need to be careful not to expose her to disease, and I need to respect her fears and reservations about certain people, and sometimes, ignore them – but most times, I know the consequences of infringing upon her rights, and I don’t want to cross her. I don’t want to lose her. I absolutely must show her how much I love her, and make sure our relationship is strong before I go introducing other partners into our mix. But she and I both know – other partners are definitely going to be in the mix. Nobody will be with me longer than I’ve been with her, nobody can outlast her and my bond; but others will come, and hopefully we will all be able to live in harmony without hurting her.

So, I’m finally ready to celebrate and work on my Primary Love, and stop abusing her. I just hope she hasn’t gotten a restraining order against me yet – that would be awkward.