Congratulations to Cher for 64 great years (May 20), marked with grace, beauty and all around fierce female aplomb! In this belated commemoration of your birthday, and as a salute to my favorite Cher movie, Moonstruck, with much reverence, I offer up the following:
For my mother, “Snap out of it (except without the slap to the face because she's my mom) and get the air conditioner fixed. You’re in Florida; you’re old; what are you trying to do, die of heat stroke or something?”
To my ex-boyfriend for having the nerve to say after two years, “Yeah, I was in love with you, but now I just love you.” Well, guess what, Lenny? “Snap out of it. You were never worthy of me in the first place, you crazy mama’s boy, seafood addicted, pigeon-toed, over-muscled gym rat.”
To my sister regarding what must be a lifetime Match.com membership, and who calls me at least once a month to announce this time she’s truly met the one. “Snap out of it. Can’t you see that’s the same guy from six months ago, just with a new name and his hair parted on the left now?”
To the cashier at the CVS who refuses to unlock the door and let me grab an essential item even though it’s only just 9:59pm, a good thirty seconds before closing time. “Snap out of it. If I didn’t come into this store three, four times a day, CVS wouldn’t even be in business. And, if you’re so fast and efficient, then it shouldn’t take you any time at all to ring up one little pint of Häagen-Dazs Carmel Cone Explosion, should it?”
To the counter guy at the Mocha Hut, who says every time I come in regarding Alexia, my BBF (Best Baltimore Friend), “Have you seen Alexia? Do you think she’ll be stopping through today?” one time even asking if she was trying to lose weight, with her having not been in for some time. “Snap out of it. She’s not interested. If she were, she’d be standing in from of you asking about the Jamaican potato salad today instead of me.”
So many people deserving snaps, yet so little time.
Happy B-day to Cher, the best girlfriend I never met!