Reflections of a shallow pond

Reflections of a shallow pond
Location
Seattle, Washington,
Birthday
August 28
Bio
I'm a middle-aged dad, clinging to my daughters' waning youth and my sanity.

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MARCH 11, 2014 4:19PM

Beer, Biscuits and Bastards

Ah, Portland—a town of big beards and bike riders, of blazers and Blazers.

Portland, Oregon—best frenemies forever with her bitchy but fun cousin, Seattle, two hours to the north.

And this past weekend, it's where my bride chose to celebrate a substantial milestone of which one of
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Remember Schoolhouse Rock? Sure you do. 

I'm just a bill,
Yes, I'm only a bill,
And I'm sitting here on Capital Hill…

Conjunction Junction, what's your function…?

And so many more. But this stuff hasn't been on Saturday morning TV since the Seventies, an… Read full post »
FEBRUARY 26, 2014 1:13PM

Is OCD Creepy?

"Dad, that was creepy."

I've been hearing that sentence more frequently around the house lately, more than either "You're so weird" or "Why are you so weird?" And while it's uttered with more regularity than ever before, it will likely never reach the stratosphere where "Ughh"resides as th… Read full post »
FEBRUARY 22, 2014 12:30PM

Thanksgiving With the Doctor.



Welcome to the third installment of "Relatives of mine and their dangerous, scary, disgusting, highly difficult and courageous careers."

I can't believe how many of these people are sprinkled throughout the family along with the rest of us losers. While the majority of us make up life's vanilRead full post »

Snap back to reality.

I've always liked Safeway—the checkers are nice—some are funny, others almost jog to show you were the pickled pigs' feet stand(?). And since I've been doing the weekly shopping at the same store for two years now, I have become The Snakeman of Safeway.

Backtracking is… Read full post »
FEBRUARY 14, 2014 6:27PM

Why I Hate Valentine's Day

Please forgive me for the potentially offensive subject matter of this post. It’s a topic which tends to polarize people, and if you disagree, that’s fine. It’s a bit of a hot button issue, yet doesn’t pertain to religion, healthcare or the merits of crunchy versus creamy.

It&r… Read full post »
Today is one of those Sundays—one of those rare times when all the chores are done—the meals for the week are planned and the groceries are stacked in the larder.

Larder? Gross. Anyway, it's not another manic Sunday, that's for sure. No football to watch, no soccer to coach, even t… Read full post »
FEBRUARY 3, 2014 3:07PM

It's Morning in Seattle.

 
43-8. Wow, didn't see that coming.

They did it. We did it. 

We are the champions, my friends. The Seattle Seahawks destroyed Peyton and his Broncs as if they were the semi-pro Algona Aardvarks. You know the team, right? The wide receiver works in the paint department… Read full post »
JANUARY 28, 2014 4:33PM

Get Away From Me, Freak!

I hope you don't mind, but it's time to sound like an old guy. 

Please read on, though, because a lot of you are also old, and if you aren't, this could prove useful. It doesn't hurt to look ahead a little, because as our good friend Russ Wilson likes… Read full post »
JANUARY 20, 2014 2:06PM

The Seattle SuperSeahawks

 
Start spreading the news. 

The Blue Jerseys are coming to New Jersey—a fortnight for Richard Sherman to gnaw the Big Apple to a mealy sauce.

Or as Ted Suess Geisel might say, "The room is abloom with the Legion of Boom." 

The NFC champion Seattle Seahawks… Read full post »
I don't own a smart phone. In fact, my cell phone is so old, I have to connect with Clara the operator before placing a call ("Clara, I need you to connect me with Hank at the slaughterhouse. This can't be beef.").

While my wife also has, for lack of… Read full post »
JANUARY 7, 2014 1:34PM

Surviving Asthmagate.

I didn't write about this when it happened, mostly because I prefer to use this forum to cast my gray-haired carcass in the best possible light. I'm a little too insecure to write stuff that leaves you thinking, "Wow, Tim sure is a dick."

And had I written it before… Read full post »
JANUARY 4, 2014 1:10AM

Kluweless in Minnesota.

It's the story of a professional athlete, but not of his performance on the field of play.

It's about the power of spin, but also about allegations no amount of spinning can remedy.

For eight years, Chris Kluwe was punter for the Minnesota Vikings. Punter is the strangest position on a football team.… Read full post »
DECEMBER 30, 2013 4:28PM

So How Was It?

Still a couple of days to go, but are you already living in 2014? I'd say I am.

 

Before we trade in the old year for a newer model, hows about we take a little stock. Let's pry open the dented door of the station wagon that is 2013, and

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“For all you kids watching at home, Santa just is white. Just because it makes you feel uncomfortable doesn’t mean it has to change, you know? I mean, Jesus was a white man too. He was a historical figure, that’s a verifiable fact, as is Santa—I just want the kids watchinRead full post »

I have to admit, I was fairly skeptical when my wife told me her plan. In fact, had I actually verbalized my feelings, I may have said something like...

"Yeah, and monkeys might fly out of my butt." 

Even twenty years later, I've not found a human being capable of turning…

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Today is a day to celebrate a man. And Nelson Mandela was just that—a man, not a messiah, not even a prophet—a guy, harboring the same flaws and fears as any of the rest of us. 

And then the similarities between him and just about every other human whose gonads… Read full post »
Hang on a second. 

Sorry about that, had to loosen up the belt a little. 

Okay, what the hell, I took it all the way off—it's been that kind of a weekend. 

What's the deal with belts, anyway? Oh sure, the man cons you into believing a belt… Read full post »
NOVEMBER 25, 2013 3:06PM

Front Row Seats to The Jerk.

On the crowded city bus, it's that woman who puts her backpack in the seat next to her, forcing the elderly lady to stand in the aisle.

In the locker room, it's the dude who leaves his toenail clippings scattered on the floor, lying in wait to pierce the fascia… Read full post »
NOVEMBER 20, 2013 1:07PM

A Child Born of Camelot.

I was alive when it happened, fifteen months old, actually. 

What did that toddler do on the day the president was assassinated? No idea. Don't remember anything. I'm gonna guess there were lots of hushed phone calls and crying behind closed doors while I watched Tennessee Tuxedo sitting cross-… Read full post »
It's really too bad this movie isn't coming out in time to battle that annual bloodbath, the war on Christmas. Some really huge oars could come in super handy in spanking back the secular happy holiday heathens. Better late than never, I suppose.

The official trailer of "Noah" was released… Read full post »
NOVEMBER 11, 2013 11:30AM

He Spent Twenty Years Doing What?

I don't say this enough, but I'm a lucky guy.

And while I'm not really sure how the planets aligned this way, I've got two brothers-in-law who have spent so much time in the military, they're qualified to use the term "retired" after their names and ranks.

I'm the squishy meatballRead full post »

NOVEMBER 6, 2013 2:15PM

Brace Yourself.

She was giddy, yet fretful."What if there's a huge yellow stripe after they take them off?"

 

I didn't reply; a non-answer is often the best answer. I craned my neck around and backed our rusted Kia onto the oil-stained asphalt, our faithful family steed again summoned to perform the lord's

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It is better to travel well than to arrive.   -The Buddha

I think if I were an Olympic athlete, I would rather come in last than win the silver. You know, you win the gold, you feel good. You win the bronze, you think, well, at least I gotRead full post »
OCTOBER 21, 2013 6:53PM

I'm an Accidental Fashionista.

A few mornings ago, my thirteen-year-old daughter emerged from her room, prepared as usual for the discerning fashion eyes of her eighth grade peers.

"Mom," she asked, "should I wear my red Vans with this dress or my short black boots?"

The voice came from the bathroom where my… Read full post »