JANUARY 20, 2014 2:06PM

The Seattle SuperSeahawks

 
Start spreading the news. 

The Blue Jerseys are coming to New Jersey—a fortnight for Richard Sherman to gnaw the Big Apple to a mealy sauce.

Or as Ted Suess Geisel might say, "The room is abloom with the Legion of Boom." 

The NFC champion Seattle Seahawks… Read full post »
I don't own a smart phone. In fact, my cell phone is so old, I have to connect with Clara the operator before placing a call ("Clara, I need you to connect me with Hank at the slaughterhouse. This can't be beef.").

While my wife also has, for lack of… Read full post »
JANUARY 7, 2014 1:34PM

Surviving Asthmagate.

I didn't write about this when it happened, mostly because I prefer to use this forum to cast my gray-haired carcass in the best possible light. I'm a little too insecure to write stuff that leaves you thinking, "Wow, Tim sure is a dick."

And had I written it before… Read full post »
JANUARY 4, 2014 1:10AM

Kluweless in Minnesota.

It's the story of a professional athlete, but not of his performance on the field of play.

It's about the power of spin, but also about allegations no amount of spinning can remedy.

For eight years, Chris Kluwe was punter for the Minnesota Vikings. Punter is the strangest position on a football team.… Read full post »
DECEMBER 30, 2013 4:28PM

So How Was It?

Still a couple of days to go, but are you already living in 2014? I'd say I am.

 

Before we trade in the old year for a newer model, hows about we take a little stock. Let's pry open the dented door of the station wagon that is 2013, and

Read full post »
“For all you kids watching at home, Santa just is white. Just because it makes you feel uncomfortable doesn’t mean it has to change, you know? I mean, Jesus was a white man too. He was a historical figure, that’s a verifiable fact, as is Santa—I just want the kids watchinRead full post »

I have to admit, I was fairly skeptical when my wife told me her plan. In fact, had I actually verbalized my feelings, I may have said something like...

"Yeah, and monkeys might fly out of my butt." 

Even twenty years later, I've not found a human being capable of turning…

Read full post »

Today is a day to celebrate a man. And Nelson Mandela was just that—a man, not a messiah, not even a prophet—a guy, harboring the same flaws and fears as any of the rest of us. 

And then the similarities between him and just about every other human whose gonads… Read full post »
Hang on a second. 

Sorry about that, had to loosen up the belt a little. 

Okay, what the hell, I took it all the way off—it's been that kind of a weekend. 

What's the deal with belts, anyway? Oh sure, the man cons you into believing a belt… Read full post »
NOVEMBER 25, 2013 3:06PM

Front Row Seats to The Jerk.

On the crowded city bus, it's that woman who puts her backpack in the seat next to her, forcing the elderly lady to stand in the aisle.

In the locker room, it's the dude who leaves his toenail clippings scattered on the floor, lying in wait to pierce the fascia… Read full post »
NOVEMBER 20, 2013 1:07PM

A Child Born of Camelot.

I was alive when it happened, fifteen months old, actually. 

What did that toddler do on the day the president was assassinated? No idea. Don't remember anything. I'm gonna guess there were lots of hushed phone calls and crying behind closed doors while I watched Tennessee Tuxedo sitting cross-… Read full post »
It's really too bad this movie isn't coming out in time to battle that annual bloodbath, the war on Christmas. Some really huge oars could come in super handy in spanking back the secular happy holiday heathens. Better late than never, I suppose.

The official trailer of "Noah" was released… Read full post »
NOVEMBER 11, 2013 11:30AM

He Spent Twenty Years Doing What?

I don't say this enough, but I'm a lucky guy.

And while I'm not really sure how the planets aligned this way, I've got two brothers-in-law who have spent so much time in the military, they're qualified to use the term "retired" after their names and ranks.

I'm the squishy meatballRead full post »

NOVEMBER 6, 2013 2:15PM

Brace Yourself.

She was giddy, yet fretful."What if there's a huge yellow stripe after they take them off?"

 

I didn't reply; a non-answer is often the best answer. I craned my neck around and backed our rusted Kia onto the oil-stained asphalt, our faithful family steed again summoned to perform the lord's

Read full post »
It is better to travel well than to arrive.   -The Buddha

I think if I were an Olympic athlete, I would rather come in last than win the silver. You know, you win the gold, you feel good. You win the bronze, you think, well, at least I gotRead full post »
OCTOBER 21, 2013 6:53PM

I'm an Accidental Fashionista.

A few mornings ago, my thirteen-year-old daughter emerged from her room, prepared as usual for the discerning fashion eyes of her eighth grade peers.

"Mom," she asked, "should I wear my red Vans with this dress or my short black boots?"

The voice came from the bathroom where my… Read full post »
OCTOBER 14, 2013 7:17PM

We Wear Uniforms, Not Outfits.

If you are tuning in today to possibly read about something that matters, well, you may be out of luck. In fact, you might assign more importance to future posts featuring my 3D prostate growth chart or the top five best mammals to make into jerky. Yes, today the pond can't… Read full post »
I would like to make a prediction. This may happen in five years, maybe ten, maybe never.

Anyone who's ever queued up at a grocery store checkout line, whether for just a pack of chipotle e-smokes or lugging a cart filled with enough stuff to get the Ingalls' covered wagon… Read full post »
SEPTEMBER 30, 2013 7:05PM

A Veteran's Tale.

 
What were you doing in early 1990? What's that? You weren't born yet? Then go Snap Chat or Tweet or something while I talk to the grown-ups. 

Sorry, you can stay. I'm just envious and longing for those days spent backpacking through Europe with three pairs of socks… Read full post »
SEPTEMBER 23, 2013 2:31PM

At Least She's Not Leaving Forever, Right?

Rain splattered the windshield as our dented minivan, one hubcap shy since 2012, sloshed north up I-5. First day of Fall, indeed.

"You better slow down." I could feel my wife's eyes. "There are always speed traps here." 

"I know." I said (which I always say, even when I… Read full post »
SEPTEMBER 16, 2013 4:54PM

Hollywood's Land of Misfit Toys.

 
Remember Chuck, the older brother on Happy Days? You don't? That's probably because he only appeared in a handful of Season One episodes and then vaporized into the a hazy post-high school brother who never was. Chuck didn't even show his toe-headed self on subsequent Happy D/… Read full post »
SEPTEMBER 10, 2013 4:26PM

My Strange Addiction—Or Is It?

 
That's the cover of the book I've been reading—just came out a few weeks ago.

As the image flashed onto my Kindle screen this morning, I felt a tinge of relief that nary a nosy bus passenger would catch a glimpse of my guilty subject matter. I mumbled… Read full post »
SEPTEMBER 5, 2013 6:24PM

One Man's Opinion On Syria.

This one's a tough one. I normally stand united with the cause. 

I typically lean so far to the left that my portside palm scrapes the asphalt, embedding it with tiny rocks like meat and pebble cookie dough.

I usually stick to the party line with the devotion of… Read full post »
SEPTEMBER 1, 2013 8:52PM

You Dig?

Wow, what a week.

Typically in this unhinged journal of mine, I like to relate a story, sometimes in longish form, but this time, I'm going to treat your attention span like it's the length of Rush Limbaugh's listener list who possess IQs above those of a gifted geoduck.

Or the list of… Read full post »
By now, we've all seen a shot or two of Miley Cyrus' performance at the MTV VMAs. For those of you who haven't, here's a little smidge:

 
Holy shit, right? I mean come on, what does "MTV VMAs" stand for—"Miley Tried Vodka and Vomited Mealy Apples"?