APRIL 29, 2014 6:56PM

Help Me Pick Up the Pieces.

Your time is valuable. I understand this.

But I need your advice regarding something that happened today. Seriously, I wouldn’t be asking if I didn’t need you to unleash your hounds of wisdom upon my tender pink meat of ineptitude. 

Here’s what happened: 

Every morning,… Read full post »
APRIL 24, 2014 1:52PM

Get Over Yourself, Ponytail Boy.

My older daughter turned nineteen yesterday.

It was her first birthday away from home and the beginning of her last year as a teenager. 

Holy shit.

Lately I’ve been trying to hoard my “holy shit”s a little…

…but since this is about me and not her—holy shit… Read full post »
I chugged on the elliptical trainer this morning, wearing the last clean gym shirt in the rotation. It’s a red, white and blue soccer jersey with “coach” on the back. Not only do I look goofy in it, but how are you supposed to sweat in one of those things? The… Read full post »
APRIL 10, 2014 1:51PM

Baseball's Sartorial Serendipity.

I work in the fashion industry. There, I had to mention it one more time to make it an even 150.

Am I a fashionable person? If you asked either of my daughters, they’d say I dress somewhere between a tired old man and a seven-year-old boy.

When they put it/… Read full post »
MARCH 31, 2014 12:46PM

My Friend the New York Jet.

 
Here's his last flight in the F-16, January, 2010 over upstate New York.

Welcome to the first episode of "Amazing People I've Known, but This is the First Person I've Actually Showered With."

Today, I'd like to relate the story of Christian Peloza, a guy I've known since 1970,/… Read full post »
I spent yesterday with my wife's fifth grade class, chaperoning a field trip to the Mountain to Sound Greenway at Lake Sammamish State Park. As the culmination of a science unit on ecosystems, three classes of ten- and eleven-year-olds boarded one school bus and one King County Metro coach (thanks to… Read full post »
MARCH 18, 2014 4:45PM

Let's Dance.

Hallelujah, March Madness is back! The Big Dance—a showdown of Davids and Goliaths that has served up some pretty dramatic stuff over the years—Magic vs. Bird  Part I, Chris Webber's meltdown, Christian Laettner's turn-around buzzer beater off Grant Hill's laser throw from seven… Read full post »
MARCH 14, 2014 10:17PM

If God Hadn't Divorced.

Did God have a wife?

How irresistible a headline is that? That question reeled me in faster than Scarlett Johansson wrapped in nothing but the sports section, and that question was posed on MSNBC.com the other day.

According to Oxford scholar, Francesca Stavrakopoulous (she'd have to… Read full post »
MARCH 11, 2014 4:19PM

Beer, Biscuits and Bastards

Ah, Portland—a town of big beards and bike riders, of blazers and Blazers.

Portland, Oregon—best frenemies forever with her bitchy but fun cousin, Seattle, two hours to the north.

And this past weekend, it's where my bride chose to celebrate a substantial milestone of which one of
Read full post »
 
Remember Schoolhouse Rock? Sure you do. 

I'm just a bill,
Yes, I'm only a bill,
And I'm sitting here on Capital Hill…

Conjunction Junction, what's your function…?

And so many more. But this stuff hasn't been on Saturday morning TV since the Seventies, an… Read full post »
FEBRUARY 26, 2014 1:13PM

Is OCD Creepy?

"Dad, that was creepy."

I've been hearing that sentence more frequently around the house lately, more than either "You're so weird" or "Why are you so weird?" And while it's uttered with more regularity than ever before, it will likely never reach the stratosphere where "Ughh"resides as th… Read full post »
FEBRUARY 22, 2014 12:30PM

Thanksgiving With the Doctor.



Welcome to the third installment of "Relatives of mine and their dangerous, scary, disgusting, highly difficult and courageous careers."

I can't believe how many of these people are sprinkled throughout the family along with the rest of us losers. While the majority of us make up life's vanilRead full post »

Snap back to reality.

I've always liked Safeway—the checkers are nice—some are funny, others almost jog to show you were the pickled pigs' feet stand(?). And since I've been doing the weekly shopping at the same store for two years now, I have become The Snakeman of Safeway.

Backtracking is… Read full post »
FEBRUARY 14, 2014 6:27PM

Why I Hate Valentine's Day

Please forgive me for the potentially offensive subject matter of this post. It’s a topic which tends to polarize people, and if you disagree, that’s fine. It’s a bit of a hot button issue, yet doesn’t pertain to religion, healthcare or the merits of crunchy versus creamy.

It&r… Read full post »
Today is one of those Sundays—one of those rare times when all the chores are done—the meals for the week are planned and the groceries are stacked in the larder.

Larder? Gross. Anyway, it's not another manic Sunday, that's for sure. No football to watch, no soccer to coach, even t… Read full post »
FEBRUARY 3, 2014 3:07PM

It's Morning in Seattle.

 
43-8. Wow, didn't see that coming.

They did it. We did it. 

We are the champions, my friends. The Seattle Seahawks destroyed Peyton and his Broncs as if they were the semi-pro Algona Aardvarks. You know the team, right? The wide receiver works in the paint department… Read full post »
JANUARY 28, 2014 4:33PM

Get Away From Me, Freak!

I hope you don't mind, but it's time to sound like an old guy. 

Please read on, though, because a lot of you are also old, and if you aren't, this could prove useful. It doesn't hurt to look ahead a little, because as our good friend Russ Wilson likes… Read full post »
JANUARY 20, 2014 2:06PM

The Seattle SuperSeahawks

 
Start spreading the news. 

The Blue Jerseys are coming to New Jersey—a fortnight for Richard Sherman to gnaw the Big Apple to a mealy sauce.

Or as Ted Suess Geisel might say, "The room is abloom with the Legion of Boom." 

The NFC champion Seattle Seahawks… Read full post »
I don't own a smart phone. In fact, my cell phone is so old, I have to connect with Clara the operator before placing a call ("Clara, I need you to connect me with Hank at the slaughterhouse. This can't be beef.").

While my wife also has, for lack of… Read full post »
JANUARY 7, 2014 1:34PM

Surviving Asthmagate.

I didn't write about this when it happened, mostly because I prefer to use this forum to cast my gray-haired carcass in the best possible light. I'm a little too insecure to write stuff that leaves you thinking, "Wow, Tim sure is a dick."

And had I written it before… Read full post »
JANUARY 4, 2014 1:10AM

Kluweless in Minnesota.

It's the story of a professional athlete, but not of his performance on the field of play.

It's about the power of spin, but also about allegations no amount of spinning can remedy.

For eight years, Chris Kluwe was punter for the Minnesota Vikings. Punter is the strangest position on a football team.… Read full post »
DECEMBER 30, 2013 4:28PM

So How Was It?

Still a couple of days to go, but are you already living in 2014? I'd say I am.

 

Before we trade in the old year for a newer model, hows about we take a little stock. Let's pry open the dented door of the station wagon that is 2013, and

Read full post »
“For all you kids watching at home, Santa just is white. Just because it makes you feel uncomfortable doesn’t mean it has to change, you know? I mean, Jesus was a white man too. He was a historical figure, that’s a verifiable fact, as is Santa—I just want the kids watchinRead full post »

I have to admit, I was fairly skeptical when my wife told me her plan. In fact, had I actually verbalized my feelings, I may have said something like...

"Yeah, and monkeys might fly out of my butt." 

Even twenty years later, I've not found a human being capable of turning…

Read full post »

Today is a day to celebrate a man. And Nelson Mandela was just that—a man, not a messiah, not even a prophet—a guy, harboring the same flaws and fears as any of the rest of us. 

And then the similarities between him and just about every other human whose gonads… Read full post »