Reflections of a shallow pond

Reflections of a shallow pond
Location
Seattle, Washington,
Birthday
August 28
Bio
I'm a middle-aged dad, clinging to my daughters' waning youth and my sanity.

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A question for you: Is it acceptable to judge others' judgmental behavior?

Or am I asking you to judge my judgment of others' judgementalism?

I'm losing you, aren't I?

Anyway, a common subject of my writing is certain people's unflinching desires to hurl moral medicine balls into our lower… Read full post »

JANUARY 8, 2012 7:28PM

You Ain't Nothing But a Major Tom.

I've got a strange taste in my mouth today.

Each time I post a piece to this profound journal of the mundane, I'm left with a residual feeling, a taste, if you will.

After expounding about my children's exploits, the leftover flavor can be a bitter sweet bouquet of guilt, shame and liberation/… Read full post »
Up in the morning look in the mirror.
I'm worn as her tooth brush hanging in the stand.
My face ain't looking any younger
Now I can see love's taken her toll on me.

She's gone. Oh I, oh I'd
Better learn how to face it.
She's gone. Oh I, oh… Read full post »
JANUARY 3, 2012 4:03PM

Welcome Back, 2012.

Hello, 2012. Or, should I say, "Welcome back."

For many of us, it's our first day back—to work, to school, to daycare, back to pants which fit better on the last day before the first day of the vacation which led up to the first day back.

Huh?

Naturally,… Read full post »

We've been sitting at the railroad crossing for nearly a year now, fiddling with the car radio. Finally, the candy cane colored arms hoist themselves, and the caboose materializes out of the haze, signaling an end to the Year of Our Lord Two Thousand Eleven.

I'm not going to sum up an… Read full post »

Wow...okay...I'm back. Good to be back.

How would you describe what's been going on in your world for the past week? I've been rattling my oxidizing grey matter to describe the sequence of events which follows Christmas, and the best description is what I'll call the "Alfredo Analogy."

Have you ever di/… Read full post »
DECEMBER 22, 2011 1:56PM

The 2011 Pondie Awards.

Hello, and welcome to the First Annual Pondie Awards.

Our staff has worked tirelessly in compiling this year's winners, and similarly to Pondie's wealthy yet emasculated second cousin Oscar, we believe that everyone deserves a trophy—you know, like T-ball.

Unfortunately, however, whil/…

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DECEMBER 20, 2011 2:29PM

Merry Christmas. War is Over.

It is, is it?

So let me get this straight. The Iraq war is officially over.

Just like that.

Did someone simply walk around one last time to make sure the oven was turned off and the iron was unplugged, tilted the blinds, turned on the porch light,/…

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DECEMBER 18, 2011 6:11PM

Time to Crank it to Eleven.

T minus one week to go—this is when things get serious.

Up until now, Christmas preparations have jogged along, with a three-quarter sprint a couple of weeks ago for tree procuring and hall decking. Since then, a few online presents ordered here, some gift cards purchased there, but noRead full post »

Editor’s Pick
DECEMBER 14, 2011 1:49PM

Confessions of a Hopelessly Starstruck Buffoon.

"Oh, my God. There he is!" I elbowed Corey in the arm a little too hard. "It's him!"

By now, most of the fans in our immediate area had pivoted their gaze away from the field of play and onto the celebrity who stood mere feet away behind… Read full post »

DECEMBER 12, 2011 3:58PM

How the Gingrich Stole Christmas.

"Hey, Newt! Put on your helmet! You're going in for Cain!"

"Really? Really, Coach? Can I? Yes! Don't you remember, though? I'm not very athletic. I just help you think up plays. And I don't have a helmet because we couldn't find one big enough to fit my recess-ball-sized… Read full post »
DECEMBER 8, 2011 3:36PM

My Non-Encounter With a Total Bastard.

 
She shuffled into our small, galley kitchen as I concluded a ritual which has burned itself into my muscle memory after hundreds of times preparing her same on-the-go breakfast.

I noted that she had dressed herself for the day… Read full post »
DECEMBER 5, 2011 4:34PM

It's Christmas. Better Cover Your Ass.

It wasn't just any weekend.

It was that weekend.

Tape, very small nails, electricity, butt cracks...you heard me, but I'll get to that later.

After flirting last year with the notion of a prosthetic tree, my family and I opted to go the unnatural natural route, because, even though we… Read full post »

I'll just get to the point on this one, since it's so insulting on so many levels.

After never having allowed women membership on its country's Olympic team, the Saudi Arabian Olympic Committee has decided to finally allow females to compete.

Good news, no?

Well, not really. It's not like… Read full post »

Throughout human history, our natural world, in all its beauty and complexity, has revealed some formidable bonds­—hot fudge to white Capri pants, Bubble Yum to freshly permed hair—and the fiercest adhesion of all...that of mother to her child.

The maternal instinct: Holy sweet mot… Read full post »

NOVEMBER 29, 2011 1:08AM

More Wine? But Of Course.

Ahhhh...the old weekend getaway.

Can't come soon enough, then it passes too quickly.

My wife and I (Shall I call her "Ms. Shallow Pond?" Nope.) get some time away about as often as Rick Perry says, "Gull durn it, maybe I am dumber than an Easter basket full of skin tags," so it was really/… Read full post »
NOVEMBER 25, 2011 9:41PM

Best Friends Forever.

Okay, let's see...three things left...yogurt, light cream cheese and...damnit! Kidney beans! Shit.

Memphis prided himself on zero percent backtracking at the grocery store. He knew the establishment like the front of his hand; Whole Foods was indeed his bitch and he loathed swimmin…

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It's not lost on me that that my cozy, little corner of the blogosphere regularly dishes out a heapin' helpin' of yarns about my experiences at the gym.

Most don't contain subject matter you'd want to peruse while prying off the plastic lid to enjoy the… Read full post »

NOVEMBER 21, 2011 3:41PM

You People Digust Me. Any Good Deals?

My biggest fear in writing this post is apprehension toward being construed as a hypocrite.

Perish the thought of getting myself clumped in with other colossal two-faced charlatans, like the meth-snorting Pentecostal preacher who seemed to think he could exorcise the gay out of himself by c/…

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It's quite a title, isn't it? The Sexiest Man Alive!

Wow, that’s a lot to live up to, especially if you’re Bradley Cooper, who’s been selected by People Weekly as the hunkiest hunk of hunkiness to hunker in the annals of… Read full post »
NOVEMBER 16, 2011 6:07PM

Cain and Perry Rise Again.

The following conversation, between Republican Presidential candidates Herman Cain and Rick Perry,  was overheard and recorded in the elevator of the Omaha Four Seasons Marriott:

Perry: Herman, my man! How you doin', brother? 

Cain: Well, hello, Rick. It's interesting that I'm the only g…

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NOVEMBER 13, 2011 11:51PM

Where's the Party?

I think I must be missing something.

Maybe it's my advancing age. Maybe I'm one of  those outlying planets, like Uranus or Pluto, which orbits so far from the sun that it takes fifteen years to find out what happened last Thursday.

I suppose I'm a little sensitive because I work in… Read full post »

Most of my stories are attempts at pointing out the silliness, the absurdity, of the human condition; my usual goal is to amuse and hopefully make you chuckle a bit.

This is not one of those posts.

We've all witnessed events in which we are required to make moral decisions.&nb… Read full post »

NOVEMBER 6, 2011 11:40PM

Delusions of Fandeur.

The term "fan" is an abbreviation, one which derives from the polysyllabic word, "fanatic."

How accurate, indeed. Fans truly are fanatics. As such, I really don't consider those who share passing fancies for particular artists or teams fans. They're fanciers.

And to insert the crazy peg into a higher… Read full post »

NOVEMBER 3, 2011 4:34PM

Gambling Advice for the Inexperienced.

There's no debate; times are tough.

Unemployment is teetering on ten percent, income disparity has expanded to levels unseen since the nineteenth century's Gilded Age and the American economy is dipping her toes into a second, frigid recessional pool.

Oh, and one other thing: Vegas is suffering&md/
Read full post »