Regina Landor

Adventures of a Wandering Mom

Regina Landor

Regina Landor
Location
USA
Birthday
May 07
Bio
I'm the old-fashioned type. I like to cook dinner for my family and bake cookies for my kids so they have a homemade treat when they come home from school. I don't like t.v. or wii. I like doing things in real time. I like campfires and coffee with half and half and sugar, one cup in the morning, and tea at 4 with milk and sugar. Did I mention I like routine? I really do. I'm sometimes selfish and mean, but mostly I'm very, very nice. I like to read my kids a story when they come home from school. I always sing them a bedtime song. I hope that never ends, but realistically, it probably will one day. I like to walk. I like lots of quiet time. I like to read books that I can hold in my hands and turn the pages. And when I really have something to say, I like to write about it. One more thing: we're in the Foreign Service and move a lot. There's a lot to say about that, believe me.

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Salon.com
Editor’s Pick
JANUARY 5, 2011 5:52AM

Why I Got Divorced

Rate: 37 Flag

He really didn’t like sex with me.  And he really, really didn’t want kids.  He called me “mom” accidentally, one too many times.   

 

The trouble was, I was crazy about him.  To further the trouble, he was crazy about me.  After nine years together, we were still in love.  In fact, we were soul mates.

 

I loved him for his honesty, his genuine character, his one-of-a-kind quirky sense of humor, his compassion and his looks.  He had a feel for food, loved to cook and loved to eat.  And the killer:  he played the guitar.  Nights, he’d sit by the bed, get out the guitar and sing me a song.

 

Our marriage counselor helped us say goodbye.  It wasn’t easy.  In truth, leaving him may have been the most difficult thing I’d ever done in my life.  For him, it was devastation. 

 

We had another ring ceremony, seven years after the first one where we put them on in front of the people we most loved, including all of his family whom I adored.  We had a mutual love and respect for each other that was rare, I believe, with in-laws. 

 

At our second ring ceremony, we drove to the ocean.  We went into the water and removed them.  We cried our hearts out, the water lapping at our legs, but unable to wash away the pain.  All that water. 

 

There was grace in our ending.  There were no arguments over silly things like who gets what.  I took what I wanted and that was that.  Only, I couldn’t take our wedding dishes with their lovely, lemon print.  I kept envisioning a plateful of tears.

 

I took a vacation after that.  I went to New Mexico with my mother.  I took a wrong turn and ended up in Abiquiu instead of Santa Fe.  How could I have taken such a wrong turn?  How?  How?  How?  I pulled over to the side of the road and pounded on the steering wheel.  Why?  Why?  Why?  I sobbed and sobbed, my mother sitting silently beside me.  I would never, ever wake up in the morning and see his kind eyes looking at me on the pillow next to me.  Never ever.

 

I listened to a sermon this morning on my computer from the minister who speaks at the Universalist Unitarian Church of Peoria, where I used to attend.  I sat at my desk in Belgrade, Serbia drinking my coffee.  My two boys were in the other room watching Sesame Street.  As the minister spoke about appreciation, gratitude, and grief, I remembered.  The old wound resurfaced.  He said, grief needs to happen in order for there to be creativity.  The eggs need to crack in order to make the omelet, he said.  That’s how the creative force continues 

 

And that is how I understand the pain I went through.  It led to my two boys, sitting there in the other room.  I met another good man.  He wanted children, and he has a healthy sexual appetite, to boot.   Talk about appreciation.  Talk about a happy ending.      

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Comments

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It sounds like quite a journey. It takes guts to do the right thing. Good on you.
Poetically written. I especially liked, "I kept envisioning a plateful of tears." Glad you found your way into something happier.
Thank you for sharing this. It was so honest and made me think about a lot of things going on in my own relationship right now. I'm so happy that ultimately things worked out for you. I'm also happy you and your former husband were able to part ways with love instead of hostility. Not many people can say that. All the best to you in your new, well-deserved life. R.
Thank you for sharing your journey. Glad I found you today.
Be glad you got out while there was still good.
Thanks for this great response. Abiquiu is a really long wrong turn, you must have been dazed to drive that far. I'm glad you could both come to terms with the end together. Beautifully written.
Abiquiu is a good place to be as well as Santa Fe for a happy ending. Is that where you are living happily ever after? Your parting was so civilized. Good for the both of you. I am glad that you are finally happy.
PS I just read where you live now but you know what I mean about New Mexico. Hasta la vista.
Good for you. "Grief needs to happen in order for there to be creativity." Amazing & congratulations!
This is so beautifully written, I almost cried over the artistry alone. The story is gut-wrenching, but sometimes it takes that to get to the happy ending. Congrats on a well-earned EP.

Lezlie
Sex and kids have been at the root of many a divorce, I would imagine. And the glue in many a marriage. Good read.
Beautifully put with a depth of insight as to how the pain brought you to a better place in life. Thank you!
This is lovely and it made me cry for my own lost marriage. To discover that the force of need (kids, intimacy) is sometimes stronger than the pull of love is scary and powerful. You are brave to have paid attention. Rated with best wishes!
Nice work. I felt your pain, and a happy ending to boot.
Such a beautiful story, filling me with hope.
I had a similar story with a man who turned to the dark side because of his sexual needs that I would have gladly met, but he felt no spark.
rated with love
You are a strong woman and an inspirational writer. I hope to be able to find the kind of courage that you have to get out a relationship that is not working. Thank you for sharing.
I have a very strong hunch he's gay. Sorry to have to say that, but I think that is going to come out one day.
I guess in relationships one has to make compromises, adjustments; talking it through and respecting each other's needs.
Looking at the package, something like the package vacation deals. Not everything is perfect.

You say you were soul mates and very much in love; was there any effort to make up for the different libidos?

Just curious, b/c I've met lots of women who've had several partners over the years and they all point to something wrong with the guys they were with.
And, I'm sort of asking myself: how about something wrong with you. Everyone's at fault but you.

I guess the men have similar stories to tell.

What I think it shows is a lack of understanding, i.e. that very seldom will you get MR/MS Perfection.
Thank you for sharing this. Unfortunately, this is a more common situation many couples find themselves in.... I was part of one of those couples that ended in divorce, despite being (appearing?) to be just right for each other.
How fantastic it is that you've found the mutually fulfilling love of another. Congrats on EP!
Beautifully written.
I loved this piece. You wrote it beautifully. And it had a happy ending...~r
Let me see if I have this straight. You love him. He loves you. In fact, you were not only crazy about each other, you were soul mates.

He serenaded you in bed with his guitar. He didn't have a mean bone in his body, apparently. He was devasted when you requested the divorce and requesting the divorce was the hardest thing you have ever done.

You took what you wanted, got all you wanted, and left what you no longer wanted. Yet, you apparently had some heartfelt regrets.

And all of this was because . . . why? . . . there wasn't enough sex, or because the sex wasn't good enough? Or, you couldn't be creative unless the boys lost their father?

Did you conceive without having sex with the man with whom you were so crazy in love? Is there a higher purpose or better outcome from sex than that? Are those higher and better ends achieved with the man who now has more sex with you than your husband did?

I didn't get those parts.

I'll check with my wife to see if she has turned liberal. If she has, then I must be headed for my own divorce.

Apparently it "takes guts" to do what you did.

I must be stupid. . . . .
Great writing.. I'm adding you as a favorite so I can read more of your good stuff!!! :)
This is beautifully written, and anyone (me) who has been through a divorce can empathize with it. Divorce is a form of grief/loss, and it takes time to heal. In spite of being an agnostic, I have to thank God for second chances in life with new lovers and friends.
Paul Haider, Chicago
You did the right thing. I did it too. Some people might not understand but I do. Sex is not about sex completely. It is about communication and desire and physical attraction. Life goes on after a divorce and sometimes it is way better. I will try to write about my divorce but you are a hard act to follow. Thank you.
Sometimes a post causes me just to sit. In a few minutes, I'll exhale. Quite a journey here and told with insight and depth.
Hard, hard decision.... but those two boys in the other room... what joy! and a man that appreciate "all" of you.... so proud of you...
Abiquiu he is where Georgia O'Keefe lived. I saw her in front of her house. I was up the road in a retreat run by BYU where I was a visiting debator and a debate match. Now that that is out of the way, I sound a great deal like your husband. Same result. Rated.
Abiquiu he is where Georgia O'Keefe lived. I saw her in front of her house. I was up the road in a retreat run by BYU where I was a visiting debator and a debate match. Now that that is out of the way, I sound a great deal like your husband. Same result. Rated.
Abiquiu he is where Georgia O'Keefe lived. I saw her in front of her house. I was up the road in a retreat run by BYU where I was a visiting debator and a debate match. Now that that is out of the way, I sound a great deal like your husband. Same result. Rated.
Abiquiu he is where Georgia O'Keefe lived. I saw her in front of her house. I was up the road in a retreat run by BYU where I was a visiting debator and a debate match. Now that that is out of the way, I sound a great deal like your husband. Same result. Rated.
UncleChri: just to clarify - had the boys with second husband, who really wanted kids.
Regina,

Thanks for the response. It's the boys that matter.

Best of luck to you and your family.

Rated with love.

Chris