Last week, I steadied myself for another day of single parenthood and the emotional adventures it brings. I walked into my younger son’s bedroom to wake him for school, and what I found gave me solace. My older son had already gone in to wake him.
Cradling my younger son in his arms, my older one was talking in a sweet, sincere voice. These sibling rivals had become faithful friends: a process necessitated by the divorce.
For years, the ups and downs of my marriage challenged my resolve, but one thought kept me planted in the union: what would happen to the kids? I knew their hectic brotherly relationship was based on competition, love, and resentment; as brothers with divorced parents, they would need to bond more strongly, and learn to count on each other. They could do it, but was it fair to ask them to?
The expression of safety and joy on their faces the other day told me they had made the transition successfully; they will be lifelong friends. Having suffered the loss of their precious family as it’d been, they are stronger, more compassionate kids. They value each other, and any good times they have. Also, they’re tougher, and challenges that would have rocked them a year ago barely rattle them now. They are adaptive and flexible.
Looking to my kids to show me how to move on, I grab hold of a feeling of lightness and peace. Modeling their wisdom, I spoke with my sister on the phone today, and was able to put aside my own pettiness and resentment, and reach out to her in a way I hadn’t been able to before. She is my oldest friend, at the end of all things, and our bond was created by a need to survive difficult situations.
Moving forward with lurches and starts, I am finally getting the hang of being a single mother…woman…human. It’s not easy, but it’s doable. When I feel resistance mounting within me, I check myself and think of that morning, and those incredible kids I have the privilege of calling my sons. Live in this moment, they show me, enjoy what we have now. Whatever was will never be again, and this is appropriate and even necessary.
To have the heart of a child again, I think, would be to be enlightened.
"Siblings," mixed media, 2011
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Comments
Run like the wind..
HUGGGGGGGGGG
My boys are 4 years apart, so until recently they didn't have much in common and lived very separate lives. Imp 2 started jr. high last year, which was Imp 1's senior year and they found a lot of common ground. I love watching them give each other a hug when Imp 1 comes home from college.
My daughter told me as an adult, that she would sit at the top of the stairs and listen to us fight, wondering how/why I kept it together for so long. Create a healthy environment for your kids and they will be ok but still the guilt may eat you up, I know it did me.
Yes! "Live in this moment."
Lovely piece and congrats to you for recognizing the needs of your boys.
Regards / r
Linda- I'm running! Many thanks, friend.
Chicken Maan- thanks. The Van Gogh comparison is beyond flattering.
V. Corso- so you know! Sibling connections can be so sweet.
asia rein- many thanks. Sounds like you know the deal. With siblings, they don't need to have much in common with interests to be best friends.
jlsathre- many thanks! It can be a healthy transition, as it turns out.
toritto- many thanks!
nilesite- I hope we are as blessed as your family. I believe we will be.
Firechick- many thanks!
Beware the enmeshment with young boys. Especially the second born. I am sure he is like you in many ways. Get yourself Harville Hendrix books to see where you went wrong. Don't let one tender moment with your kids fool you to think they are not hurting and lost.
Good luck.
edward
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