“I’m suspicious of fun. I never quite know what that is or how to deal with it or how to generate it.” – Hugh Laurie 

When I first read that quote from an interview with actor Hugh Laurie in the April 5, 2009 Parade magazine, it really struck me; I suddenly realized that I also am “suspicious of fun”; I had just never put it into words.  But looking back at my life, and looking at the way I perceive life now, Mr. Laurie’s quote is now adopted as my own, as well.  While fun is always an enjoyable experience, there is also an element of discomfort for me when I’m “having fun”.  What exactly is fun? 

fun - 1: what provides amusement or enjoyment ; specifically : playful often boisterous action or speech fun>3 a: amusement, enjoyment fun out of life> b: derisive jest  : sport, ridicule fun>4: violent or excited activity or argument fun began> 

The concept of fun is nuanced, tinged with a degree of fine distinctions.  Consider definition number 4 above.  I doubt that many people think of “violent” activity or argument when they think of “fun”, although I have to admit to a degree of enjoyment in some kinds of argument; I’m just not sure the enjoyment I derive from those arguments is “fun”.  But, as I thought about it, I had the thought that in my own case the suspicion of fun might be related to another suspicion; suspicion of happiness.  I think happiness must be an element of fun, and certainly fun is a type of happiness, although that particular word, happiness, is not found in the above definitions of fun. 

happiness – 1obsolete : good fortune : prosperity2 a: a state of well-being and contentment : joy b: a pleasurable or satisfying experience3: felicity, aptness 

Good Physiology

Happiness can also be defined by our physiology. Researchers can identify happy people by their brain waves, their predominant hormones, and by the chemical make up of their cells. As people’s moods shift from tense to happy, researchers can measure changes in blood pressure, heart beat and circulation. The Institute of Heart Math studies variability in heart rate and finds that people who are feeling happy have very regular heart beats while those who are stressed or unhappy have irregular heart beats. They use this pattern to create biofeedback machines that help people learn how to develop happier thought and behavior patterns. All of these physiological markers show researchers that feeling happy has definite benefits for our bodies and each marker becomes a definition of happiness. 

As far back as I can recall, my life has not been characterized by what I think of as happiness, which may be the case for most people; I don’t know.  I have, I think, mostly experienced some degree of sadness interrupted occasionally by what I think of as happiness. 

I have now reigned about 50 years in victory or peace, beloved by my subjects, dreaded by my enemies, and respected by my allies. Riches and honors, power and pleasure, have waited on my call, nor does any earthly blessing appear to have been wanting to my felicity. In this situation, I have diligently numbered the days of pure and genuine happiness which have fallen to my lot. They amount to fourteen. (960 C.E.) ~Abd Er-Rahman III of Spain 

Or perhaps more accurately it is melancholy that I experience; I think there is a delicate difference between outright sadness and melancholy.  I consider melancholy to be a mild form of sadness that is characterized by being soberly thoughtful or pensive.  I find a certain “comfort in melancholy”*.  Perhaps, somehow, that comfort is a form of happiness, but I wonder if most people would say it is. 

Ask yourself whether you are happy and you cease to be so.  ~John Stuart Mill, Autobiography, 1873 

My uncertainty stems from there being many different experiences that seemingly interrupt my melancholy.  One thing is certain in my life; I long ago stopped the pursuit of happiness, at least I think I did, and I believe I have been happier without that pursuit, or, at least, without consciousness of that pursuit.  A problem I see with happiness is that the list of things that make people happy seems almost endless, yet while there are some universal causes of happiness, there are many that do not apply universally to all people. 

The art of living does not consist in preserving and clinging to a particular mode of happiness, but in allowing happiness to change its form without being disappointed by the change; happiness, like a child, must be allowed to grow up.  ~Charles L. Morgan 

It would seem that comfort is not a requisite sensation for happiness.  As I’ve said, I find comfort in melancholy, but others resist melancholy, they avoid it, so I assume they do not find it comfortable.  Exhilaration, a type of anxiety, can result from dangerous experiences that most certainly are not comfortable, yet some people seek out those experiences and claim those experiences make them happy.  Some people like jumping out of airplanes from thousands of feet above the Earth, I assume finding the experience pleasurable or satisfying, but I have doubts as to whether they would describe that experience as comfortable.  Perhaps they would.

Problems with happiness 

I think the underlying foundation for my suspicion of happiness is comprised of two main points; one point is that I can’t define happiness, exactly, I can’t really create it, it seems beyond my control to have it; the second point is that, although happiness is a pleasant experience when it occurs, it always ends, it always deserts me.  The aforementioned characteristics create an element of discomfort for me.  So, while comfort may not be a necessary component for experiencing happiness, it seems that for me, at least, the discomfort I experience in happiness is a level of distrust, suspicion, and a sense that I must be on guard, as the Grateful Dead quote at the beginning of this essay suggests.  When happiness goes away, there is a sense of relief coupled with a sense of loss.  I find value in the memory of happiness, but there is also the melancholy of its loss.  Maybe the best part of happiness is the anticipation just before it arrives. 

"Well," said Pooh, "what I like best," and then he had to stop and think.  Because although eating honey was a very good thing to do, there was a moment just before you began to eat it which was better than when you were, but he didn't know what it was called.  ~A.A. Milne 

One significant problem for me with happiness is that the few things that have given me the greatest levels of happiness have, for the most part, also led to my greatest disappointments, anguish and regret.  Those few things have primarily been people.  And for some reason that I can’t explain, the disappointments, anguish and regret remain more tangible than the happiness in retrospect.  So the greatest sources of happiness in my life have been people, I have a distrust of happiness, which leaves me with a distrust of people. 

In all honesty, though, I think I’ve always had an inherent distrust of people.  I recall a time when, as an adult, I was shown a photo of me at my very first birthday party at age four years; in that photo I was hiding from the guests, even though some of them were my friends from the neighborhood.  This, of course, brings me to the question of nature versus nurture.  I think the answer to that question is easy; it is an interactivity of the two.  An inherent distrustful or timid nature can be enhanced or diluted through life experiences, which then must be true of a trustful or gregarious nature. 

Perhaps happiness is little more than how people relate to their environment and there is a continuum along which each individual registers a response.  Two people in the same circumstance may react at points close together on the continuum or at opposite ends of the continuum to that circumstance.  Regardless, while I enjoy happiness when I find it, I never completely lose touch with the knowledge that I’m being set up for disappointment.  And yet, I do find a certain comfort in that knowledge, in knowing that I’ll be back with my old friend melancholy.

It is no surprise that I find Joni Mitchell’s song, HEJIRA, to be one of the greatest songs ever written.  And her vocal rendition is truly a spiritual encounter. (If the embedded element below does not appear, click your browser's refresh button.)

By Joni Mitchell

I'm traveling in some vehicle
I'm sitting in some cafe
A defector from the petty wars
That shell shock love away
There's comfort in melancholy
When there's no need to explain
It's just as natural as the weather
In this moody sky today
In our possessive coupling
So much could not be expressed
So now I'm returning to myself
These things that you and I suppressed
I see something of myself in everyone
Just at this moment of the world
As snow gathers like bolts of lace
Waltzing on a ballroom girl

You know it never has been easy
Whether you do or you do not resign
Whether you travel the breadth of extremities
Or stick to some straighter line
Now here's a man and a woman sitting on a rock
They're either going to thaw out or freeze
Listen ... Strains of Benny Goodman
Coming thru' the snow and the pinewood trees
I'm porous with travel fever
But you know I'm so glad to be on my own
Still somehow the slightest touch of a stranger
Can set up trembling in my bones
I know - no one's going to show me everything
We all come and go unknown
Each so deep and superficial
Between the forceps and the stone

Well I looked at the granite markers
Those tributes to finality - to eternity
And then I looked at myself here
Chicken scratching for my immortality
In the church they light the candles
And the wax rolls down like tears
There's the hope and the hopelessness
I've witnessed thirty years
We're only particles of change I know, I know
Orbiting around the sun
But how can I have that point of view
When I'm always bound and tied to someone
White flags of winter chimneys
Waving truce against the moon
In the mirrors of a modern bank
From the window of a hotel room

I'm traveling in some vehicle
I'm sitting in some cafe
A defector from the petty wars
Until love sucks me back that way

 © 1976; Crazy Crow Music