I got through twelve of the twenty hundred-word writing starters I listed in the previous post. Now "non-literary" duties await my attention, so attention they will have, happily; the last eight will have to wait.

In the raw:

Life in the cave
I described the cave earlier... Living here feels natural. I like having my little collection of technology and comforts an arm's length away. Clutter has always seemed to multiply itself to fill whatever space I've lived in. It's not like that here. I like my little bed; sleeping under that slanted roof feels safe and simple. There is more than enough space for thinking in this room. I've got the clever eleven-bulb halogen light bar I designed, and a groovy rope light along the seams. It feels like me in here, and I actually like that guy, me. There is energy around me. No better place to incubate, nourish and then bear forth to paper whatever I was put here to say.

Is today the day?
Is today the day your heart will open? You must be so tired of keeping the lid clamped over it! So afraid, you've been; so hurt, neglected, forgotten by the ones who made you. Is today the day you finally let it go? Stop working the angle? Stop feeding the same pain you swallow those Vicodins to escape? It's not too late. It's never too late. Your life is only half-over; another life awaits! Is today the day you choose living over survival? Close your eyes. Take a breath, slowly, then let it escape. Breathe. Breathe! What do you want? Whatever it is, you can have it! Today is the day for you; all you have to do is let it in. You don't believe it, though, do you? You can't. Opening yourself to real love would only remind you of what you've lost. Is that it? There it is, the pain of that ugly truth. It's the same truth that will set you free. Is today the day? No? Maybe tomorrow, then.

You can't save everybody
She said those words to me casually one afternoon. She was watching me with gentle amusement as I fretted and searched for the right way to help one of the girls. When she said "You can't save everybody,"  I immediately realized I'd been carrying that idea with me all my life. After all, if I could help that girl, if I could see what she needed and give it to her, then my life would be worth something. Balance loneliness. It wasn't the giving that threw it all out of whack, though, but rather the needing. It was my need. The urgency. Desperation for validation: I'm pulling for you! Would you consider liking me while I do? When my friend said those words I smiled, and then I laughed with her at the silliness of myself. And I said, "Oh."

Barack gets busy
Inaugural balls... ha! Cracked myself up, there. Better start again: The inaugural balls are history now. This morning his presidency begins. I wonder what his first thought was when he woke up, after "Where do I go to smoke?" I'd bet it was "All right! Let's get busy!" Today the dream becomes reality. He has all the power the founding fathers designed just for him. He leads now, starting this morning. Following through. Probably a lot of calls to make to kings and queens and prime ministers and dictators. "Yo! It's Barack. Ask me anything!" Papers to read and sign, and don't worry, he'll get the hang of that ceremonial pen thing in no time. Where's the bathroom? Okay. Better. So much to do, so little time. Explain this whole "football" and red button thing again for me. Got it! Back to work! Hey, do these doors open? Can I smoke out there?

Caity at five
Thanks to my peculiar nature we have lots of videotapes of you, honey, from when you were a toddler on up. I wish I could have captured every moment of your childhood for you, so you would have it to remember what it felt like to be gifted with brilliance and innocence simultaneously. Yesterday I watched the pieces we made when you were five. shortly after your brother was born. You were, and are, the perfect big sister. Anyway, there you are at five, out on our steep front yard, singing and dancing and herding your own imaginary babies through a perfect afternoon, loving and guiding them, then turning to the camera and saying, "Daddy? Will the people be able to hear us talking on the video?" Oh, yes honey. The people will be able to hear every word.

Just this moment
(A somewhat tired topic, yet always relevant!) Go ahead, read your journals if you want to. Imagine all the writing you will have produced by the end of the year—or better yet, by the end of your lifetime. But above all, maintain your center in this moment, right here and now. Your life could end this afternoon, so please remember to live. Don't just dream about it, live it. Gratitude for the experiences that have brought you here. You have grown from all of what's past, and here you are now. Touch someone's life today. Clean up your mess today. Express love, right now. Give it away, lay it out there. Rehearsal is over. On with the show, this is it! Just this moment.

My odd family
Normal, of course, at casual glance, my first family. Young bright couple has baby son. Dad makes money, mom makes home. Baby son is different, uh-oh. Special needs? They try, they give, but he's on his own path already. Then baby daughter, little sister. Grandma says she was the ugliest baby she'd ever seen. But of course baby sister was beautiful, cute and capable. Special needs boy overshadows her, without malice. Dad says to her after she is grown, "You were never any trouble!" Sis and mom discuss who gets the china. Sis has the piano now, and a beautiful living room for it too. Normal! Then dad dies. Special needs boy and his sister virtually never talk now. No reason; he's just weird. Special needs boy and his mother seldom talk now. No reason. She's happy. He's weird.

Alex's gift
I think that to him it feels more like a curse right now, this uncertainty. He can't see where his road is leading—it's too hilly and winding. He doesn't quite know what he is supposed to be doing. He does lots of things well; even he knows that. But what about money? Some people try to explain to him that he's going to have to face reality and get a job. Not me. I think he's doing exactly what he should be doing, listening to music and making people laugh and wryly observing it all. People go to college not only to get a degree but to find out what they want to do. Four years! He's only two years into his own studies and he already has accomplished great things. Uncertainty is his gift from the universe, and I believe in him, and so does the universe. The road you are on will take you there, son, and beyond.

Staying young
I always looked like a kid back in my twenties. Then something changed, and suddenly I looked old. Was it when the first marriage ended? Then, yes, or shortly thereafter. Was it after I'd achieved my dream of making it in the music business? Yes, then as well. It was the beginning of a loss of hope. Things I thought I knew, I didn't know. Connections were lost. Love had dared me to crack its code, but I remained locked out. Being good at things didn't feel like possibility any more, it felt more like a prison sentence. Over another thirteen years I aged another fifty. Then the sky fell, but the lights began to flicker on, and the aging started to reverse. Letting go, loving freely, make some mistakes, no more borrowing, relax: Youth tonic!

Letting it fall together
To begin with, if it wants to fall apart, then let it fall apart. Control is an illusion. If it's going to fall apart, step back and pay attention to how and where the pieces land. Get in resonance with entropy but don't give up on love. Look for the seams. Look for the manner in which the jigsaw pieces want to fit, then let them fit. Step back here, too, to see what picture is forming. Tune your spirit to the Alignment Channel. Watch for openings, but do not fill them in haste. You can be the hands of the gods when you forget about trying to force it work. Believe that it will fall together just as it should, and it shall. Fear that it won't? Then it won't.

Inner boundaries
Early work on boundaries is sort of an outer thing: identifying where they lie, finding where they are decayed or missing entirely. The outer boundaries work seems to be about observing and then adjusting how we react. It's important to work at unraveling why we might say yes while thinking no. It's worthwhile to gently refrain from letting the whims of others define our days. Codependency recovery has a lot to do with defining then refining outer boundaries. Inner boundaries are the complement to the lack of outer ones. These inner boundaries are self-imposed artifacts of trauma. Listen for your desires which meet with no instead of yes, inside. You can! Why not? Who says you can't or you shouldn't or you mustn't? Only the ghosts of really, really old people who "just want what's best for you." Good-bye, old ghosts. I choose Yes now (sometimes with difficulty).

Listening to Meg
My young daughter, who chomped at the bit and elevated righteous flouncing to high art, has wisdom. And she shares it freely whenever we listen. She gets it already. I love to listen to her talk about friendship. She teaches me about writing, but only when I open myself to learn. She shares her feelings of exhilaration of discovering the observing-affects-their-behavior quarks. She openly dreams. She loves her older sister and she loves her older brother and she loves her mom and she loves her dad. She loves words and she loves to draw and she loves music. And whenever I listen to Meg, I feel love, too—but best when I stop talking.