Rick McCollister

Rick McCollister
Lincoln, Nebraska, USA
May 06
is always welcome.
I'm a guy, 51, who used to be many different things: recording engineer, inventor, electronics designer, firmware and software developer, husband. Now: father, musician, partner, photographer, friend, facilitator... and I write. I've committed to myself to write two pieces a day and post them here. I am currently developing a book.


JANUARY 28, 2009 3:23PM

Sleep stuck

Rate: 2 Flag

My body clock is goofed up again, in spite of going to bed before midnight every night for the last month and waking up rested after six hours of zolpidem-assisted sleep.

Last night I got to sleep by 11:45. I slept all night without waking up. At six my alarm started ringing; I hit snooze every ten minutes until 7:30. Then I got up and said, "Well, I must have needed the extra sleep." I tried to act like I was glad for another morning. I took out my morning pages notebook and stared at it for a few minutes. Then I got back into bed. I slept another five hours.

Yesterday was similar, as was Monday. I think it started happening over the weekend. Anyway, I'm up again now, but it will take all the willpower I can muster not to crawl back in there.

Concurrent with the sleep weirdness, I can't seem to write anything at all. Putting these words down feels like pulling the starter rope on a lawnmower that just won't start: rrRRRRRrrr....  rrRRRRRrrr.... rrRRRR....  nothing. Went back to 40mg citalopram Sunday, that will kick in another couple of days or so.

Well, let's see, it's 2:17. I have to be at group at 6:30. I have some stuff I need to do to prepare for that, maybe 45 minutes worth. I guess I can go back to sleep until 5:00. Setting my alarm...

Author tags:

sleep, depression

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You failed to mention: did you dream?...

After many mornings similar to yours, this morning , when i went back to bed, i had one of what i call my "insight dreams"...
a dream wherein i was whole, and i flowed, and i knew the secret of life: how to contact the flow...
and once again, as previously,it was the simplest thing in the world to understand..and once again it dissipated upon awakening...but a little memory of it remained: not the details , but the feeling....and it moved me up out of the bed & to my morning tasks with a private little excitement...as if...it's nearly impossible to put into words...as if the healthy Whole of me, the Self, the guy in the dream who had such an easy & enjoyable time of it, was struggling to move and have being in this world, but inevitably had to sink, down, into...
the puny persona who was constructed
to deal with this
mundane and profane world...

The worst part for me of indulging in the extra sleep that my body seems to be craving is mistrusting my body...making it into an enemy to my psyche, which is telling me to get up and face the day. An extra guilt, piled upon all the past guilts that rise up to meet me once i'm up & about...perhaps invoking them in some dismal chain-reaction of depression...

i have heard the theory advanced that our dreams are realer than our real-life. I can agree with that in the sense that there is a
more integrated, vibrant self at work,
albeit in a solipsistic universe....
Thank you for allowing me to express some
nonsense...I guess the point i'm struggling to make is this:
(and it may sound like rationization)
to yearn to return to sleep, we are conditioned to believe, is to
long for the womb...is a retreat...a defeat...
but once in a while we are rewarded with a dream,
some phantasmal epiphany that pulls the scattered
psychic components into a fleeting, functional whole...
i choose to view such things as a sort of preview of what could be...
back away from the snooze alarm.....