I think my cat is dying. She is 18 years old and has been healthy all of these years. It's the saddest thing imaginable, and ridiculous, she is dying because of fleas. 

Jezebel was given to me to care for at 6 weeks. I took her to the vet to be spade and she got very sick from the antibiotics, but recovered. Since she was born and raised in NYC, she never went outdoors. For many years, I also had another cat, Marmalade, also an indoor cat. I never took them to the vet, because they were well, and I didn't think they needed shots as  indoor cats.

 When I moved across the coast to Seattle, I gave Marmalade to a good home, and took Jezzie to the vet, because she needed "papers" to travel with me on the plane. The vet was horrible, chastising me because she had tartar on her full mouth of teeth, and for not keeping her shots up to date. But we endured that ordeal, flew together to my new home, and have been happy here. Jezzie settled right in and for the first time in years, I let her sleep with me. As a younger cat, she bit me a few times and I choose not to have her in the bed, but for the past 18 months, she has been as gentle and sweet a bed companion imaginable.  

She did seem to be losing weight and eating voraciously, so suspecting a thyroid problem, I took her to the vet about a year ago. She vomited the medication, and that vet had no other suggestions for me. A friend gave me the name of a more holistic vet, who was very pleasant and helpful, giving me a prescription for a form of the medication I can place on Jezzie's skin, inside her ear. It took a while, but I think we got the dose right, and she began to calm down, eat more normally, and maybe even gained a little weight, up from her low at 6 pounds. She's always been a dainty little girl.

But then I noticed the little pepper droppings on the floor. Jezzie and Marmalade never had fleas and it took me a few weeks to recognize the telltale signs. I can only think she got the fleas at the vet's office, I haven't had any other pets in the house, and she hasn't been anywhere else.

Now, more that two months later, I've tried everything, including poisons I did not want to use on her. I wash her everyday and brush her everywhere with a flea comb, and she is clearly becoming anemic from blood loss, the water runs rust-colored.  Today it is obvious that she is having trouble breathing, either from anemia or the poison I put on her body. And still I find live fleas on her everyday, and a dusting of the flea feces and larva on the floor where she sleeps. She is not allowed in my bed and is not eating much. She looks totally miserable. 

Damn it, she's 18.  I think about the lively 90- something humans that I have known who still drive and garden and do the daily crossword puzzle, only to take a spill or get pneumonia, and then dive towards a miserable lingering death. Not much resilience in old age. 

I cry just thinking about this sudden defeat for her after so many healthy years. I don't want her to suffer. I'm thinking of putting her down. I just don't know what else to do. It's what I would want for myself.