Let’s face it, shoppers: over the next few weeks, everybody will be bringing pepper spray to Walmart. It’s cheap, it’s easy to get, and police forces throughout America have already shown how effective it can be when used casually against perceived threats.

To really get at the good deals, you're going to need something else, something stronger, and that something is a TASER®. TASERS can be ordered from TASER International for $399 (even less, if you have a coupon). They come with free shipping, and you can even get them in pink.

If you’re going to deploy one, though, it’s best to download the safety instructions provided by TASER International. There are 6 pages of them. As you read, always keep in mind what it says in Footnotes 1 & 2:

Herein, the singular is also the plural, the plural includes the singular, and the masculine is also the feminine…The terms “Use,”“Used,”“Using,” or “User” include, but are not limited to: acquiring; accessing; entrusting; providing; possessing; storing; handling; manipulating; carrying; holstering; drawing; brandishing; displaying; deploying; utilizing; drive-stunning; using alligator or other types of clips or attachments; or discharging an ECD.

Lewis Carroll couldn’t have said it better. Anyway, here are a few hand-picked warnings to get you started.

Minimize Repeated, Continuous, or Simultaneous Exposures
Reasonable efforts should be made to minimize the number of ECD exposures. ECD Users should use the lowest number of ECD exposures that are objectively reasonable to accomplish lawful objectives and should reassess the subject’s resistance level before initiating or continuing the exposure.

"Objectively reasonable" is open to interpretation, depending on how long you've been shopping.

Sensitive Body Part Hazard
When possible, avoid intentionally targeting the ECD on sensitive areas of the body such as the head, throat, chest/breast, or known pre-existing injury areas without legal justification. The preferred target areas are the lower center mass (below chest) for front shots and below the neck area for back shots.

Needless to say, when the Xbox 360's are being wheeled out, all bets are off.

Be Aware of Trigger-Held Continuous Discharge
If an ECD’s trigger is held back it can continue to discharge beyond the pre-programmed cycle until the trigger is released or the power source is expended. Know the pre-programmed cycle for your model ECD.

It's always good to know you can discharge continuously until the power source on either the ECD or a fellow shopper is expended.

Be Aware that an ECD or Cartridge May Fail to Fire, Operate, or Be Effective
No weapons system, tool, technique, or ECD is always effective. If an ECD, cartridge, or accessory is inoperable, fails to function, or the intended ECD application is ineffective in achieving the desired effect, consider reloading and redeploying, using other force options, disengaging, or using other alternatives. The failure of the ECD to fire, operate, or be effective could result in death or serious injury.

"Other force options" are, of course, up to you.

Incapacitation, Falling, and Startle Hazard
ECD Use may cause muscular contraction, Neuro Muscular Incapacitation (“NMI”), startling, and falling, which could result in death or serious injury.

It's hard to see why this is a warning, since this is exactly the effect you want. But, you know, watch it, just in case.

Eye Injury Hazard
If a TASER probe, electrode or electrical discharge contacts or comes into close proximity to an eye it could result in serious injury, including permanent vision loss. DO NOT intentionally aim an ECD at the eye of a person or animal without justification.

Laser Light Could Result in Serious Eye Injury
Some TASER ECD models use a LASER as a targeting aid. Avoid intentionally aiming the LASER at the eye of a person or animal without justification.

These two go together, but the operative word in both cases is "justification."

Higher Risk Populations
ECD Use on a pregnant, infirm, elderly, small child, or low body-mass index (BMI) person could increase the risk of death or serious injury. ECD Use has not been scientifically tested on these populations. The ECD should not be Used on members of these populations unless the situation justifies possible higher risk of death or serious injury.

It has, however, been tested on the rest of the population, so go for it. 

Penetration Injury Care
Injury due to penetration of the probe or dart point into a blood vessel, organ, nerve, or bone may require medical attention. A probe, dart point, or barb embedded in a sensitive area such as the eye, the genital area, breast, neck, throat, or vascular structure may cause serious injury and may require special medical attention and further evaluation.

It's best to leave PIC up to trained Walmart personnel.

Untethered Discharged Probe
In probe deployment, it is possible that a discharged probe that does not impact a subject or target may become untethered from the wire and travel a significant distance. A loose, untethered probe can cause serious injury.

Although there are fewer things in life cooler than watching an untethered probe fly the entire length of a Walmart, it is best avoided.

This final warning comes from a list made for Law Enforcement, but it could pertain to certain states:

Never Confuse Handgun with ECD
Confusing a handgun with an ECD could result in death or serious injury. ALWAYS follow your agency’s equipment carrying and holstering location Guidance and training regarding distinguishing between handguns, other weapons, and ECDs.

There may be times when you want to clear an entire area, like the Vizio corner. A good choice for those moments is the TASER® Shockwave. (Promo video here.) According to the company,

Each single TASER Shockwave unit has a payload of six TASER cartridges, allowing for multiple person incapacitation through Area Denial...The Shockwave ECD can [also] be arranged in vertical and horizontal configurations with up to 12 units on a single control box, allowing up to three salvos.

Of course, the Shockwave comes with its own list of warnings, such as:

Targeting
The Shockwave ECD is not an aimed device and is intended as a barrage fire, area denial system. The risk of hitting the head, face, or throat is greater for persons 68 inches (172.2 centimeters (“cm”)) tall or shorter at distances approaching 25 feet (7.62 meters (“m”)).

And:

Keep Body Parts Away From Front of Shockwave ECD or Cartridge
Keep your hands and body parts away from the front of the Shockwave ECD and cartridge, unless instructed otherwise. A discharging Shockwave ECD or cartridge could result in serious injury.

So, as they say, never bring pepper spray to a TASER® fight, at least for the rest of the 2011 shopping season. Next year, you may want to upgrade to an actual handgun, when the pallets you and your fellow shoppers are descending on will probably contain food.