In the earliest days of the cosmos, at the dawn of coordinated universal time, Titans walked the Earth. They numbered twelve: the brothers Ocearus, Compilus, Trieus, Hypertexton, I/Opetus, and Kernelus; and the sisters T1, Rheatime, Mnemoleak, Tetris, BBS, and Bootis. The elder gods reigned over a peaceful, harmonious world. Men were few and clever, resources were satisfying and sufficient, and contention was rare.

Prime among the Titans was Kernelus, god of time, sharing the throne with his wife Rheatime. The rule of Kernelus was untroubled save for a prophecy: He would be deposed as he had deposed his own father. To forestall this end, Kernelus devoured his children whole as they came into being. Unfortunately for bloated Kernelus, his son Zoics escaped this fate and eventually took the throne, freeing all his siblings in the process. Thus ended the Golden Age.

Today, Zoics and his two brothers, Procydon and HadeeZ, rule all of cyberspace. HadeeZ is the god of the hacker subculture, while Procydon has dominion over programming languages, in particular C, C++, and C#. Zoics governs all else that passes through the ether. Their descendants battle for power in their own more limited spheres.

Hermes (also known as rmz) is the instant messenger god. His symbols include #, @, and !!!1!. He is fond of short, cryptic communications. Hermes is a young god who grows younger with the passing years; he can be recognized by the speed and dexterity of his thumb movements. Hermes is the patron of texters and tweeters. He is much disliked by chariot driver Apollo.

Ares is the god of flame wars. He has many aliases and changes them frequently. The traditional virtues of the warlike god--strength, boldness, bravery--have atrophied over the years, leaving only obstinacy and a pleasure in destruction. Ares is little seen in person today. Though he claims to travel widely to consult with the military and political powers of the world, it is suspected that he spends most of his time in his parents' cavernous Olympian basement.

Artemis is the goddess of hunting and searching. She carries a bow and a quiver of arrows, which she names Google and Bing. Artemis is renowned for her skill. Once, when tasked with hunting a jaguar in the forest, she returned almost immediately with a large cat, a mechanical four-wheeled carriage, and an assemblage of husky young men wearing helmets and padded clothing in bright colors. Artemis is also the goddess of frustration and confusion.

Hephaestus, alone among the gods, is not pleasing to the eye: he is awkward in movement and in speech, dresses badly, and finds ordinary social situations challenging. (Hephaestus would respond to Heff, but the other gods refuse to use the nickname.) He is a master craftsman, knowledgeable about broken devices of all kinds. He is the god of geeks and nerds.

Athena, the warrior goddess, embodies wisdom, reason, and purity. The combination of her beauty, brains, and facility with automatic weapons makes her irresistible to the followers of Hephaestus. She is also known as Bond Girl and occasionally Angelina Jolie. Athena has many followers and many emulators, though the two groups rarely mix.

Aphrodite is the goddess of love, desire, and beauty. Aphrodite is the least happy of the gods, disliking her association with the symbol .xxx, dieting potions, and philters for the enhancement of the male member. She would be heartened by the regular appearance of new followers (some of whom claim to celebrate the breadth of their love in 29 ways) if  she did not find them incredibly annoying.

Apollo, god of light and knowledge, is most beloved of the gods. He has an almost universal following, attracting worshipers as well as imitators and impersonators (among them even the god Ares). Apollo himself appears but seldom in the world. Happily, his followers predict that he will re-emerge with his former prominence, and that this will happen any day now.