I picked up the paper this morning to find Tiger Wood's mug on the front page with the headline "We're All Ears." Apparently, el Tigre is going to apologize to the world for sleeping around on his wife.

To Tiger I say this: don't.

First, I could give a shit who you slept with. The rest of the world should also give a shit who you slept with. Indeed, the only people that should care is you and your wife, and the litany of other chicks you banged out with. America, pay attention to something else. Like Afghanistan. Or the fact that people now think it's cool to fly planes into buildings. Or Haiti. Remember Haiti?

Or if you're inclined to keep your TV tuned to sports, why not try the winter Olympics? If you're upset with the moral corruptibility of the game of golf, try curling, or speed skating, or ice dancing. With a one-two combination of Canada and sports that almost are exclusively watched and played by well to-do white people, the Winter Olympics is the lactose-free milk of sports: it won't upset anyone.

Prior to the Tiger Woods scandal, I suppose most people would have said that about golf, but golf with it's balls and sticks and tropical, sweaty climate (invented by guys in kilts) was begging for some sex scandal. Winter sports lacks the most basic of human interaction as most sports there are solo events played by people bundled up in layers of clothes. Plus golf is boring.

More importantly, why does America need a great golfer to be a moral beacon? Would this coverage be so grandiose if Tiger was a linebacker or basketball player or ultimate fighter or the best at some less "civilized" (read: pretentious) sport? I'd say it's a plus, sure, and Tiger really had us all going with how overwhelmingly boring he was, but so long as his infidelities don't happen on the green during the Pro Tournament (is that a golf thing?), who cares? I certainly don't. If we're looking to golf for our moral guidance, we're pretty fucked as it is.

But apparently that's where America IS looking, because here it is, on the front page. Not Afghanistan where it looks like Americans are winning for once (and getting the cooperation of Pakistan). Not the winter Olympics where world records are being smashed on a daily basis. Not on Haiti where 1 in 32 died last month and now flooding is coming. Not on the coup in Niger (okay, it's Africa, I may be asking too much). Not on the fact that the IAEA just said Iran really is going for nukes. Not on the friggin' nutwhack in Austin. Not on the economy which, FYI, is still in the pot. Not the fact (looking at you here Washington Post) that half of the stimulus dollars allocated to Washington, DC, went straight to a private company, Clark Construction, who cleared over 4.7 billion dollars in revenue during the worst year of the recession, 2008. I mean, really, Tiger Woods takes top billing? The media--"fourth branch of the government," "voice of the people"--has declared Tiger Woods as THE most important story of the day? Fuck.

So don't apologize Tiger. Not to the AP or to any camera.  We really shouldn't care.  Help us not care.