Is Archie Andrews a bigamist? That perennially teenage redhead from Riverdale made headlines around the world when word leaked, back in May, that he would propose to his longtime love interest, Veronica Lodge, in issue no. 600...Although Archie did marry Veronica, things will take a turn in November, when Archie proposes to the lady in waiting, Betty Cooper...—the New York Times, 10/5/2009

Jeepers, what am I going to do? Both Betty and Veronica want me to marry them.

For years (sixty-eight, to be precise) I played them off each other. When Betty wouldn’t put out, I went to Veronica’s for a booty call. And when Veronica was riding the red VW minivan, I returned to Betty’s arms.

What can I say? Chicks dig redheads.  (Yes, the carpet matches the curtains.)

Now they both say no more “friends with benefits bull-hockey.”  They’re both demanding that  I “put a ring on it.” They got the idea from some stupid Beyoncé video. Now all they do when I come calling is dance around in heels and bikinis, shaking their junk tauntingly at me. Gosh, what’s a fella to do?

There are other girls in Riverdale, but they’re all spoken for.  Midge is cute, but Moose would pound me into a pile of chalk dust. Ethyl’s ugly, plus she’s got the hots for my best friend, Jughead. (Gee, I guess there’s no accounting for taste.). Mrs. Lodge is a MILF, but Mr. Lodge would shoot me and mount my head over his mantlepiece for sure.  

I don’t want to go back to circle jerks with Jughead—his hands are calloused from hefting too many hamburgers. So, I’ve got to marry one of them, but which one? Betty’s got that wholesome, girl-next-door look going for her. She wouldn’t look out of place in Playboy. (I’ve been trying to get her to pose for years.)  Plus she’s charmingly naive. She actually bought that line about “oral sex not being sex.”  (Thank you, Bill Clinton!)  But her family hasn’t got two nickels to rub together.

Veronica’s also a hottie. Plus she’s a super freak in bed—she likes taking it up her Dagwood Bumstead.  And her dad, Mr. Lodge, is loaded. She seems like the obvious choice. But Veronica’s got a bitchy, dominatrix streak to her—she’d definitely want to wear the strapon in the family. Plus there’s something creepy about her relationship with her “Daddykins.” Why does he hum “California Dreamin’”  whenever I stop by? He doesn’t seem like the type to be into the Mamas and the Papas.

Golly, I haven’t been this confused since I walked in on Mr. Weatherbee and Ms. Grundy doing it on top of “the Bee’s” desk. (On the other hand, I got to cut classes for the rest of that semester.) There’s only one thing to do—marry both of them.

Gee, don’t act so surprised. I’ve seen Big Love. I know what goes on. Heck, we wouldn’t even have to move. Riverdale is located in Anywhere, USA. Why couldn’t Anywhere be Utah?

I’m pretty sure Veronica swings both ways. She’s sort of the Megan Fox/Tila Tequila of the Riverdale set. And as for Betty, well, she’s always up for a good time—especially once I’ve pumped a few drinks  and ‘ludes  into her.

Zowie, all sorts of intriguing combinations come to mind: Veronica riding me cowgirl style while Betty goes for a mustache ride. (Note to self: grow mustache.) Veronica doing Betty doggie style while Betty gobbles my hotdog—and I don’t mean Jughead’s mangy pet. (Although that would be kinky too.) Betty and Veronica sixty-nining while I stroke my ten inch—if  I knew math was this much fun, I would have paid more attention in Professor Flutesnoot’s class!

Now it’s just a matter of popping the questions. And I know just the place—Pop’s Chocklit Shoppe. I’ll order a triple scoop sundae—vanilla for Betty, chocolate for Veronica, and strawberry in between for me. I’ll hide the rings under the vanilla and chocolate. I can’t wait to see their expressions when each of them bites into half a carrot.  (All I can afford on my newspaper route.) Veronica’s used to bigger baubles, but for once she won’t mind, and Betty will be plain stunned.

But, gee willikers, why stop there? I always had a thing for Josie and the Pussycats. I loooove Pussycats! They could perform at our wedding, then perform on our honeymoon. I could also marry Sabrina, the Teenage Witch. Imagine if my every wish was her command! The first thing I’m going to wish for is a bigger bed.

H-E-double hockey-sticks, why even limit myself to the Archie universe? There are lots of gorgeous gals throughout the cartoon cosmos. I could also marry Wonder Woman, Millie the Model, She-Ra from the Master of the Universe. “By the power of Grayskull, I command you to give me head!”  I feel a song—among other things—coming on:

Sugar, ah honey honey

You are my candy girl

And you’ve got me wanting you

Honey, ah sugar sugar

You are my candy girls

And you got me wanting you…

***

Dilton Doiley, boy genius, here. Allow me to interrupt Archie Andrew’s sexual fantasies to “drop some science,” as Chuck Clayton, my African American friend, likes to say.

There is nothing new about sexual parodies of Archie comics. Something about the innocent, squeaky-clean, Never Never Land quality of the characters—unrealistic even back when they were invented—excites the imaginations of fetishists. This is what philosopher Michel Foucault termed, in his groundbreaking Histoire de la Sexualité, “la profanation du sacré.” (Haven’t read all four volumes in the original français? I assure you it’s in there…somewhere.)

For example, Cherry is a long running (since 1982) “underground” comic done by writer/artist Larry Welz in the style of the Archies. (It used to be called Cherry Poptart until Kellogg’s threatened to sue.)  The titular character resembles Betty Cooper—if Betty Cooper was a polymorphously perverse nymphomaniac.  If you desire to catch up with Cherry and her myriad paramours—male, female, and other—her collected misadventures are available in four volumes.

Perhaps the fetishists sense the duality of Dan DeCarlo’s career. DeCarlo drew the Archies in the 1950s and 1960s and is responsible for establishing what we think of today as the “Archies look.” Simultaneously, he drew pinups for girlie  magazines like Romp, Snappy, and Gaze. These pinups bare a striking resemblance to Betty and Veronica—if Betty and Veronica were strippers, chorus girls, French maids, sexy secretaries, and other sexual archetypes.  If you wish to experience this duality firsthand, the book to read on the subject is Innocence And Seduction: The Art of Dan DeCarlo, by Bill Morrison and Dan DeCarlo.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to get back to my experiments. I’m building a sexbot to, ahem, take care of my own physical needs. It looks just like Archie Andrews. What can  say? I dig redheads too.