This just in: Tokyo is under attack by a giant, fire-breathing terrorist. Thousands flee in terror! Tall buildings collapse! The army is helpless!
The terrorist resembles a giant dinosaur. What kind of dinosaur? How the hell should I know—I’m not a paleontologist, or possess any other scientific expertise. I’m just a citizen journalist blogging live into his netbook.
Yes, I’m an actual eyewitness. I’m watching it all safe at home in my living room on my giant, flatscreen, plasma HDTV. 1920 x 1080 pixels! You can’t get any more eyewitness than that! The Circuit City salesman told me it was “better than being there.”
The terrorist’s name appears to be “Gojira.” At least that’s what his victims scream just before he squishes them. Either that or it’s Japanese for “please don’t step on me, tall sir.” You know how polite the Japanese are.
Yes, I speak Japanese—sushi, sake, bonsai. Okay, I’m not technically fluent. But I don’t have to be. The thousands of victims fleeing in terror speak a universal language. And the Japanese leaders all speak English. A bit awkwardly—they seem to be having trouble moving their mouths in sync with their words, like they all had Botox injections or something (you know how vain politicians are)—but still English.
Sources on the ground? I’ve got sources on the ground. Well, one source, anyway. There just so happens to be an American reporter on the scene providing tons of useful background information—where Gojira comes from, how big he is, what his path of destruction is like, that sort of thing. I didn’t catch his name, but he kinda looks like a young Raymond Burr in his Perry Mason days. But of course everyone knows Raymond Burr is dead. So he can’t be Raymond Burr. I don’t actually fact check this blog per se, but I try to avoid obvious anachronisms. That oughta count for something.
Don’t get the idea I don’t do any legwork. If by legwork you mean keeping your feet up on the ottoman. I spend all day and night watching CNN, MSNBC, Fox News, C-SPAN. And this new channel I just stumbled upon—“Creature Features.” I’ve been watching and blogging pretty much non-stop ever since my Hummer dealership closed. You know what they say—those who can’t sell SUVs, blog. It takes a lot of time and effort and No-Doz to keep up. The No-Doz makes me a little twitchy, and sometimes hallucinate, but it’s all worth it to keep the public informed.
I’m sure to get a Pulitzer for this. Do they give a Pulitzer for blogging? They should. In the twenty-first century, post-Old Media age, accuracy is no match for speed. And I’ve really been burning up the ol’ keyboard ever since I took that touch typing class! I was going to get a temp job as an administrative assistant to make ends meet, but blogging is a helluva lot more fun than temping or selling cars.
So far the terrorist hasn’t made any demands. Mostly he just roars and crushes stuff and sets things on fire. But I think it’s pretty safe to say he works for Al-Qaida. Or the North Koreans. Or Iran. One of those places. Geography was never my strong suit. (Where is Japan anyway—the Middle East or the Far East?) Vice President Dick Cheney has been warning of just such an attack for years.
I don’t mean to blur the lines between journalism and advocacy, but this is obviously the result of Obama’s weak foreign policy. We need a strong leader as President—somebody like Cheney or Sarah Palin or Genghis Khan. (Was Genghis Khan born in this country? I’m pretty sure he was. History isn’t my strong suit either.) When are we going to vote that namby-pamby, terrorist-coddling, Gojira-loving appeaser out of office, anyway—2010? 2011?
We need to start a crash program now to defend the United States from the Gojiras of the world. I see building a giant, mechanical robot in the image of Gojira—a kind of a Mecha-Gojira—to defend the United States. Sure, it would be expensive—but this is a helluva lot more important, say, than boondoggles like universal health care.
Maybe the attack has something to do with the recent Japanese elections. Apparently one party was voted out after thirty years in power and another was voted in. What are the names of the political parties? What do I look like to you—a political scientist? I do know that the new Prime Minister’s wife has been to Venus, and was Tom Cruise’s soul mate in another life. I read about it in People. So maybe she’s also telepathically summoned this Gojira. Hey, it could happen. Although I am duly required to point out as a professional blogger that this is speculation on my part, not actual reportage. But it’s pretty good speculation, don’t you think? It has at least a 50/50 chance of being true.
Oh, wow. You’ll never guess what just happened! Gojira was just chased away by a giant fucking moth! (Yes, I just dropped the F-bomb. Us citizen journalists are edgy.) Tokyo is saved! You should see the wingspan on this thing! It’s like a 747! You know what that means! Japan’s got some sort of secret giant fucking moth technology! Forget what I said before about Mecha-Gojira! The United States has got to start a crash program to develop its own giant fucking moth technology. We can’t let the Japs get the edge in giant fucking moth technology! Just in case Gojira comes back. His kind never gives up. We can’t let the Gojiras win!
Gotta go now. There’s another breaking story. And this one’s much closer to home! Shades of 9/11. Apparently, a giant, terrorist ape is attacking the Empire State Building! No doubt he’s a Communist guerilla! Pulitzer Prize, here I come! Now if only I could get rid of all those Hummers parked in my back yard…