Literary Ventriloquism At Its Finest!

Robert Brenner

Robert Brenner
New York, New York, USA
March 30
Robert Brenner is a humorist, critic, and ventriloquist. His work has been published in New York Magazine, the Huffington Post, Grin & Tonic, and Happy. He has been interviewed on LeMorningShow, the first Twitter talk show. He is a proud graduate of André Aciman’s Writers’ Institute at the Graduate Center at CUNY. He lives in New York City with his child bride and two (imaginary) cats. Email: rabrenner@prodigy.net


Editor’s Pick
JULY 23, 2010 10:16AM

Bad Hair Day: The Unkindest Cuts From Iran

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iran haircut

The photos, disseminated on Iran's semiofficial news sites, look ordinary enough: young men with short haircuts, some with 1950s style quiffs and a touch of gel on top. But these haircuts are not just a summer fashion. They are being promoted by Iran's Ministry of Culture and Islamic Guidance as Islamically permissible models, part of an effort "to halt the spread of unconventional styles and promote Islamic culture." —the New York Times

Greetings, Brothers! Peace be upon you. It is a well-documented fact that the decadent Western imperialists are trying to systematically undermine Islamic culture—just look at Sex And The City 2. (Of course, if you do look at SATC2, then we will have to put out your eyes with red-hot pokers. Sarah Jessica Parker is the Whore of Babylon.)  

In the past we have been attacked by land and by sea; now we are under assault from the hair. The arrogant powers claim we have a secret underground barbershop somewhere near the holy city of Quiff. I swear on a stack of  Korans that no such barbershop exists—and if it did exist, then it would be strictly for peaceful purposes.  

In the meantime, Brothers, be ever vigilant against the following infidel coiffeurs. Just as immodest dress by women can cause earthquakes, bad haircuts by men can lead to fallout:

The Mullet: Also known as the Ozzy Osbourne. Worn by head bangers and other servants of the Great Satan. Violators will be sent on the "Highway to Hell": strapped into the backseat of a big, gas-guzzling American SUV and driven off a cliff.

The Emo: Also known as the Adam Lambert. Worn by effeminate, mascaraed girly-men and other abominations before the eyes of Allah. Violators will be beaten to death to a medley of Culture Club’s “Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?” and Queen's "Another One Bites the Dust.”

The Comb-Over: Also known as the Donald Trump. Worn by corporate stooges and other apprentices of the capitalist hegemony. Violators will be fired—then burnt alive at the stake.

The Persian Rug: Also known as the Marv Albert. Worn by media mouthpieces and other bald deceivers. Violators will have the rugs pulled out from under them—and then be dropped into vats of boiling oil.

The Pony Tale: Also known as the Kevin Segal. Worn by poseurs and other false prophets. Violators will be dragged through the streets of Tehran behind a black Arabian stallion.

The Pompadour: Also known as the Fonz. Worn by 1950s rockabilly fans—the same decade the Shah was restored to power by a CIA coup—and  other reactionary forces. Violators will be dragged through the streets of Tehran behind a black Arabian motorcycle.

Dreadlocks (on non-Africans):  Also known as the Axl Rose. Worn by wiggas and other cultural oppressors.  Violators will be stoned—to death.

The Bandana Head: Also known as the Little Steven. This is clearly an attempt to mock hijab, the Muslim practice of women covering their heads with scarves. Violators will be castrated, then forced to live like Muslim women in Iran.

The Beatle: At the height of their fame, the Fabulous Foursome claimed that they were “bigger than Jesus." If they said that about their own divine prophet, blessed be his name, imagine what they must say about ours? Violators will be forced to listen to "Yellow Submarine" over and over again until their minds crack. This torture is also known as "the school bus outing."

The Phil Spector: Similar to the Beatle, but more Satanic. Approach with extreme caution. Wearers are known to be armed and dangerous. Shoot first and ask your Iman later.

The Jew-Fro: Also known as the Malcolm Gladwell, the notorious New Yorker scribbler. Wearers are clearly agents of the Zionist entity. Violators will be driven into the sea.

The Mohawk: Also known as the Mr. T. May Allah have mercy on the fools that wear this haircut! Violators will be forced to watch the A-Team movie. Once is punishment enough.

We hope these guidelines have been helpful. Remember, only you can prevent bad hair days—and our Purity Police.  Blessings and may hair peace be upon you.




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haircuts, iran, fashion, news, comedy

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I do love the way your mind works, Robert. But I think I'm glad we don't live near each other--I don't want to be around when "they" send their goons to "re-educate" you in Islamic life and beliefs! Party on until then, though! Rated. D
Thanks, Yarn Over. This is why I don't publish my address or turn on GPS tracking on Facebook or Twitter.
Blessed are those who will never again be forced to lay eyes upon such personal grooming abominations...though of course you did skip entirely over the section about unnatural hair colours offensive to Allah who, in his infinite wisdom, chose not to create locks of pink, purple or green.

But then ya can't legally mandate good taste.
Blessed are those who will never again be forced to lay eyes upon such personal grooming abominations...though of course you did skip entirely over the section about unnatural hair colours offensive to Allah who, in his infinite wisdom, chose not to create locks of pink, purple or green.

But then ya can't legally mandate good taste.
How about the "Eraserhead" haircut? It's making a comeback in certain parts of Romania.
Thanks, Wordsmith, but if I included bad dye jobs that would be a whole other piece.
Thanks, Nicki. I love you too.
Oooo, littlewillie, that's a good one. I may have to update this post.
Funny as always, Robert. And, what Yarn Over said. They can be tenacious.
I am assuming that losing ALL of your hair is not punishable by death? The market for hair plugs in Iran would be through the roof in that case.

Funny stuff!
Rated! This is hilarious! I just heard back from a friend after a two week detainment in Iran...and a few years ago, he used to have a mullet, so I did fear for his life!! (And fashion sense!)
But what hairstyle does one when issuing a fatwa? R
Mmm, short hair but a beard as long as ZZ Top is allowed.
I feel we Westerners should take a page out of their book and also ban the mullet. It has harmed too many. Add a bad dye job (I'm talking blonde iced tips!) and the punishment should be hard time.
This is hysterical!
Thanks, Kathy, but they can't be any more tenacious then those Michael Jackson fans. You should see what they did to me after my piece appeared in New York Magazine:

kegbot1, losing all your hair is a punishment from Allah and is usually followed by losing your head.
Aunt Mabel, this is where you and I part company. I think people who wear mullets should be publicly shorn.
Madam V, I'm glad you heard back from your friend. But did he get to keep his mullet?
Now I know I have arrived: I'm getting spammed.
Trudge164, when issuing a fatwa, one should always wear a very stern haircut; the stiff, bristling look is recommended.
Here's hoping they manage to put the lid on Muslim hair culture before it becomes infected by The Guido.
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thank you!!
Robert, thanks for this. I think we can all get behind the ban on the mullet. Your piece made me remember another excellent piece I had read on cracked.com.

Here's the link:http://www.cracked.com/article_15951_9-islamic-fatwas-we-can-get-behind.html
Yeah, your mind's a keeper.
Oh, these are funny, but the sad thing is... I recognized ALL of them!
My oldest son had that horrid mullet. He looks back at pictures and groans. I agree with outlawing that one! Save our children from embarrassment :)
This is terrifying and hilarious.

thanks for posting!
Christine, you raise an interesting question: are the members of ZZ Top secret Muslim extremists?
Anna, mullet + bad dye job = death penalty. It's the only way to stop recidivism.
You got game, Robert!
Yeah the Islamist Iranian regime is absurd, but I cannot help feeling that any criticism of them at this point contains an element of war propaganda, intentional or not.

Maybe I would think it were funnier if I knew that there weren't powerful American and Israeli psychos who want nothing more than to bomb the country back to the Stone Age.
I could listen to Yellow Submarine all day, I wish I could live in a yellow submarine, of course, I'd take dear Ringo with me.
No, cartouche, it's hair-sterical.
Monseiur Chariot, I wouldn't mind seeing the entire cast of the "Jersey Shore" magically transported to Tehran.
Thanks, happygolucky432.
vihellenia, have you seen what Ringo looks like these days?
Oh my God,this is great!It's pretty funny,too.But,I do,in fact,like the Emo Haircut.But,I SERIOUSLY dislike Adam Lambert.So,I don't think hot guys have to be categorized with that pathetic excuse for a gay man.
Tori, to each their own: I like Adam Lambert, but hate his haircut. Glad you liked this piece.
Well done brother. I smell hair burnin'.
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