The photos, disseminated on Iran's semiofficial news sites, look ordinary enough: young men with short haircuts, some with 1950s style quiffs and a touch of gel on top. But these haircuts are not just a summer fashion. They are being promoted by Iran's Ministry of Culture and Islamic Guidance as Islamically permissible models, part of an effort "to halt the spread of unconventional styles and promote Islamic culture." —the New York Times
Greetings, Brothers! Peace be upon you. It is a well-documented fact that the decadent Western imperialists are trying to systematically undermine Islamic culture—just look at Sex And The City 2. (Of course, if you do look at SATC2, then we will have to put out your eyes with red-hot pokers. Sarah Jessica Parker is the Whore of Babylon.)
In the past we have been attacked by land and by sea; now we are under assault from the hair. The arrogant powers claim we have a secret underground barbershop somewhere near the holy city of Quiff. I swear on a stack of Korans that no such barbershop exists—and if it did exist, then it would be strictly for peaceful purposes.
In the meantime, Brothers, be ever vigilant against the following infidel coiffeurs. Just as immodest dress by women can cause earthquakes, bad haircuts by men can lead to fallout:
The Mullet: Also known as the Ozzy Osbourne. Worn by head bangers and other servants of the Great Satan. Violators will be sent on the "Highway to Hell": strapped into the backseat of a big, gas-guzzling American SUV and driven off a cliff.
The Emo: Also known as the Adam Lambert. Worn by effeminate, mascaraed girly-men and other abominations before the eyes of Allah. Violators will be beaten to death to a medley of Culture Club’s “Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?” and Queen's "Another One Bites the Dust.”
The Comb-Over: Also known as the Donald Trump. Worn by corporate stooges and other apprentices of the capitalist hegemony. Violators will be fired—then burnt alive at the stake.
The Persian Rug: Also known as the Marv Albert. Worn by media mouthpieces and other bald deceivers. Violators will have the rugs pulled out from under them—and then be dropped into vats of boiling oil.
The Pony Tale: Also known as the Kevin Segal. Worn by poseurs and other false prophets. Violators will be dragged through the streets of Tehran behind a black Arabian stallion.
The Pompadour: Also known as the Fonz. Worn by 1950s rockabilly fans—the same decade the Shah was restored to power by a CIA coup—and other reactionary forces. Violators will be dragged through the streets of Tehran behind a black Arabian motorcycle.
Dreadlocks (on non-Africans): Also known as the Axl Rose. Worn by wiggas and other cultural oppressors. Violators will be stoned—to death.
The Bandana Head: Also known as the Little Steven. This is clearly an attempt to mock hijab, the Muslim practice of women covering their heads with scarves. Violators will be castrated, then forced to live like Muslim women in Iran.
The Beatle: At the height of their fame, the Fabulous Foursome claimed that they were “bigger than Jesus." If they said that about their own divine prophet, blessed be his name, imagine what they must say about ours? Violators will be forced to listen to "Yellow Submarine" over and over again until their minds crack. This torture is also known as "the school bus outing."
The Phil Spector: Similar to the Beatle, but more Satanic. Approach with extreme caution. Wearers are known to be armed and dangerous. Shoot first and ask your Iman later.
The Jew-Fro: Also known as the Malcolm Gladwell, the notorious New Yorker scribbler. Wearers are clearly agents of the Zionist entity. Violators will be driven into the sea.
The Mohawk: Also known as the Mr. T. May Allah have mercy on the fools that wear this haircut! Violators will be forced to watch the A-Team movie. Once is punishment enough.
We hope these guidelines have been helpful. Remember, only you can prevent bad hair days—and our Purity Police. Blessings and may hair peace be upon you.