It is an international island in the midst of the American capital, a sharp-elbowed place ruled by alpha male economists. The days are long, and employees are regularly pressed together for weeks on end during overseas "missions." It is a climate in which romances often flourish--and lines are sometimes crossed. -the New York Times
BONDS: The name is Bonds, James Bonds. I'm an economist. Miss Moneypenny, come here. I need some debt relief.
MONEYPENNY: Again? Oh, James, I just gave you debt relief half an hour ago!
BONDS: It's this global financial crisis, Miss Moneypenny. It's fueling inflationary fears.
MONEYPENNY: Oh, all right.
Miss Moneypenny reluctantly crawls under Bonds' desk.
BONDS: As you know, the IMF makes low interest loans to overextended nations. In exchange for these low interest loans, the IMF expects certain economic reforms--austerity budgets, reduction of deficits to acceptable percentages of GNP, that sort of thing.
MONEYPENNY: Mmmmmph!
BONDS: Don't interrupt, Miss Moneypenny. Besides, it's impolite to talk with your mouth full. As I was saying, in exchange for these low interest loans, the IMF expects certain economic reforms. Of course these austerity budgets hit the poor who depend on social services the hardest, which is why we've implemented this job training program for qualified applicants.
MONEYPENNY: Mmmmmph!
BONDS: Yes, yes, Miss Moneypenny, I know we didn't specify what kind of job training program, but you should have read the fine print. Try breathing through your nose.
Enter a stiff, upright British gentleman.
Q: Oh, I say, Bonds, hope I'm not interrupting anything.
BONDS: Nothing important. (All the way down, Miss Moneypenny! No half measures. Anything worth doing is worth doing well.) I was just explaining to Miss Moneypenny here our job training program.
Q: Ah, yes, quite. Shows the advantages of promoting from within. DSK should have stuck with internal candidates, but he was always hot for outsourcing. Sarkozy dodged a bullet on that one, wot wot?
BONDS: I'd say it was a setup, but I don't think Nicky has the wherewithal. Sometimes it's better to be lucky than smart. By the way, I hear Carla's got a croissant in the oven. No word yet on who the father is--maybe Schwarzenegger? But enough shop talk. What can I do for you?
Q: My job trainee, Tyrone, is out on medical leave. He's having a sex change operation. In the meantime, I'm a little shorthanded. Do you mind if I borrow Miss Moneypenny?
BONDS: No offense, Q, but I thought you were gay. You know, calling yourself Q and all when you had your choice of code names.
Q: None taken. I am, but any porthole in a storm, as they say.
BONDS: Of course. Just remember to use a condom--we're trying to prevent cross contamination.
MONEYPENNY (momentarily coming up for air): But--
Q: No, buts, my dear--unless we're talking about yours. Remember, worse things happen in five star hotels. Try to relax, and think of Greece.
MONEYPENNY: Owww!
Q: Sorry, Miss Moneypenny, next time I'll use lubrication. Speaking of Greece, the austerity budget isn't working. Their bonds are worth less than curdled feta cheese. We're going to have to restructure their debt.
BONDS: Oh, all right, as long as we get more talented job applicants like Miss Moneypenny here. (Watch the teeth, Miss Moneypenny!) That's one good thing about the EU collapsing--we're seeing a better class of candidates: Portuguese, Irish, Greeks, Spaniards...I remember the bad old days when we had to rely on Africans and Latin Americans.
Q: Just as long as a European remains head of the IMF.
BONDS: And an American remains head of the World Bank. Can you imagine one of those decadent developing nations in charge?
Enter a sinister oriental supervillain.
DR. NO: Greetings, Bonds. We meet again.
BONDS: Dr. No! How did you get in here?
DR. NO: Same as you, Bonds. China is a member in good standing of the IMF. I am their humble representative. The Cold War is over. We're all filthy capitalists now--emphasis on the "filthy." As Chairman Mao used to say, freedom comes from the barrel of a penis.
BONDS: Why didn't you say so? I'm sure Miss Moneypenny has at least one opening still available. Miss Moneypenny, can you squeeze Dr. No in please?
MONEYPENNY: Oooof!
DR. NO: How do you like being pegged to the yuan, capitalist running female dog? Lenin and Marx! If we knew you money honies were this sweet, we would have torn down the Iron Curtain decades ago!
A few minutes later, after intense four way negotiations:
BONDS: I'm pumping liquidity into the system!
Q: Me too, old chap!
DR. NO: Me three, honorable adversary!
MONEYPENNY: Blurph!
Q: Well, tally ho, old chap--emphasis on the "ho!" See you at Les Chandelles. Make sure you bring Miss Moneypenny with you.
DR. NO: Most impressive, Mr. Bonds. Your job trainee has great capacity. Until we meet again.
BONDS: This is nothing. You should have seen her at the G-20 summit. Clean yourself off, Miss Moneypenny. You look like you just got back from the Tokyo Bukkake Exchange. You know appearances are important.
MONEYPENNY (sighing): I wonder if Christine Lagarde has to put up with this?
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Valerie Atherton
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Salon.com
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