In a secret underground bunker, located far below Fox News, a group of superpowered Republicans gather. Roger Ailes, the brains behind the outfit -- codenamed "Professor FoX" -- addresses them:
Ailes/Prof. FoX: We have to stop Barack Obama from destroying the United States. One of you mutants is going to have to take him on in 2012. Who's it gonna be?
Mitt Romney (codename "Mystique"): I'm a political shape shifter. I was for gay rights, abortion, and universal healthcare before I was against them. I can alter my appearance at will, depending on the polls.
Ailes/Prof. FoX: That's a weakness, not a strength. We need someone with core values, who stands for something...
Donald Trump (codename "Azazel"): How ya doin'? Classy lookin' joint you got here. I'm a political teleporter. I can pop in and out of the race at will. See ya!
Bamf! Trump/Azazel disappears in a burst of smoke and mirrors.
Ailes/Prof. FoX: Like I was saying, we need someone with more consistency...
Paul Ryan (codename "Wolverine"): I have razor-sharp adamantium claws I can use to slash the budget deficit -- starting with Medicare.
Ailes/Prof. FoX: But cutting Medicare scares the bedpans out of the AARP crowd. You don't have to be a mind reader to know that's never going to happen.
Ryan/Wolverine: I'm just saying maybe "death panels" aren't such a bad idea. Could help us out with Social Security, too.
Sarah Palin (codename "Mastermind"): I heard that! I have the power to cloud men's minds with illusion, you betcha. Maybe I'm running for president, maybe I'm not. Obama won't know until it's too late!
Palin/Mastermind concentrates and transforms herself into Paul Revere. Then Paul Revere's horse. Then Paul Revere's horse's ass.
Ailes/Prof. FoX: Like I was saying, consistency...
Michelle Bachmann (codename "Cyclops"): I can stare fixedly for hours in one direction without blinking. Right now I'm staring at Mastermind. There's room for only one Tea Party bimbo in this race, and that's me!
Palin/Mastermind: You bitch! You're just a pale imitation of me! You should change your codename to Copycat!
The two start rolling on the floor, biting and scratching.
Ryan/Wolverine: Bimbo fight! Bimbo fight!
Ailes/Prof. FoX: Girls! Girls! This is no way to behave! Remember, this is Fox News! Show a little decorum! We need someone who at least seems presidential!
Tim Pawlenty (codename "Beast"): I'm a sane, sober fiscal and social conservative, also from the great state of Minnesota.
Ailes/Prof. FoX: You got any superpowers?
Tim Pawlenty/Beast: I'm also covered with blue fur. That's where the "Paw" in "T-Paw" comes in.
Ailes/Prof. FoX: Boring. We need someone with charisma, who can excite the electorate...
Herman Cain (codename "Magneto"): I've got a magnetic personality. I'm the host of my own syndicated radio talk show. Plus I'm black -- the Democrats can't play the race card against me.
Ailes/Prof. FoX: I like it! I like it! Finally a candidate with some electability. But what would you do to turn around America's economy?
Cain/Magneto: The same thing I did to turn around Godfather's Pizza -- reduce the number of toppings. That's all Americas has to do -- reduce the number of toppings. Anchovies, for instance -- I hate anchovies. Throw them off the menu!
Bamf! Trump/Azazel reappears in another cloud of smoke and mirrors.
Trump/Azazel: Speaking of pizza, whadaya say you and me go for a slice of genuine New York pizza, Mastermind, baby?
Palin/Mastermind: Sounds delicious! Can I have unlimited toppings?
Trump/Azazel: Don't worry, you're going to get all the pepperoni you can handle, sweetheart.
Palin/Mastermind and Trump/Azazel disappear in a cloud of smoke.
Ailes/Prof. FoX: Who's left?
Newt Gingrich (codename "Havoc"): I implode. Plus my wife Emma Frost is encrusted with $500,000 of Tiffany diamonds.
Ailes/Prof. FoX: Next.
Rick Santorum (codename "Riptide"): I can transform into a frothy mix of anal lube and fecal matter...
Ailes/Prof. FoX: Next!
Santorum/Riptide: No, seriously, have you ever Googled my name?
Ailes/Prof. FoX: NEXT!
Bamf! Trump/Azazel appears yet again in yet another cloud of smoke and mirrors.
Trump/Azazel: Don't forget to watch Celebrity Apprentice on NBC.
Ailes/Prof. FoX: Get out of here!
Bamf! Trump/Azazel disappears. Ailes/Prof. FoX pulls out his remaining hair. He is now completely bald.
Ailes/Prof. FoX: Can't anyone here beat Obama? I wish Chris "The Blob" Christie would get in the race.
Pawlenty/Beast: Cheer up. Things could be worse.
Ailes/Prof. FoX: How?!
Pawlenty/Beast: This could have been a Human Centipede parody.