Literary Ventriloquism At Its Finest!

Robert Brenner

Robert Brenner
New York, New York, USA
March 30
Robert Brenner is a humorist, critic, and ventriloquist. His work has been published in New York Magazine, the Huffington Post, Grin & Tonic, and Happy. He has been interviewed on LeMorningShow, the first Twitter talk show. He is a proud graduate of André Aciman’s Writers’ Institute at the Graduate Center at CUNY. He lives in New York City with his child bride and two (imaginary) cats. Email: rabrenner@prodigy.net


Editor’s Pick
JUNE 15, 2011 8:56AM

FoX-Men: First Class

Rate: 8 Flag


In a secret underground bunker, located far below Fox News, a group of superpowered Republicans gather. Roger Ailes, the brains behind the outfit -- codenamed "Professor FoX" -- addresses them:

Ailes/Prof. FoX: We have to stop Barack Obama from destroying the United States. One of you mutants is going to have to take him on in 2012. Who's it gonna be?

Mitt Romney (codename "Mystique"): I'm a political shape shifter. I was for gay rights, abortion, and universal healthcare before I was against them. I can alter my appearance at will, depending on the polls.

Ailes/Prof. FoX: That's a weakness, not a strength. We need someone with core values, who stands for something...

Donald Trump (codename "Azazel"):  How ya doin'? Classy lookin' joint you got here. I'm a political teleporter. I can pop in and out of the race at will. See ya!

Bamf! Trump/Azazel disappears in a burst of smoke and mirrors.

Ailes/Prof. FoX: Like I was saying, we need someone with more consistency...

Paul Ryan (codename "Wolverine"):
I have razor-sharp adamantium claws I can use to slash the budget deficit -- starting with Medicare.

Ailes/Prof. FoX: But cutting Medicare scares the bedpans out of the AARP crowd. You don't have to be a mind reader to know that's never going to happen.

Ryan/Wolverine: I'm just saying maybe "death panels" aren't such a bad idea. Could help us out with Social Security, too.

Sarah Palin (codename "Mastermind"): I heard that! I have the power to cloud men's minds with illusion, you betcha. Maybe I'm running for president, maybe I'm not. Obama won't know until it's too late!

Palin/Mastermind concentrates and transforms herself into Paul Revere. Then Paul Revere's horse. Then Paul Revere's horse's ass.

Ailes/Prof. FoX: Like I was saying, consistency...

Michelle Bachmann (codename "Cyclops"): I can stare fixedly for hours in one direction without blinking. Right now I'm staring at Mastermind. There's room for only one Tea Party bimbo in this race, and that's me!

Palin/Mastermind:  You bitch! You're just a pale imitation of me! You should change your codename to Copycat!

The two start rolling on the floor, biting and scratching.

Ryan/Wolverine: Bimbo fight! Bimbo fight!

Ailes/Prof. FoX: Girls! Girls! This is no way to behave! Remember, this is Fox News! Show a little decorum! We need someone who at least seems presidential!

Tim Pawlenty (codename "Beast"): I'm a sane, sober fiscal and social conservative, also from the great state of Minnesota.

Ailes/Prof. FoX: You got any superpowers?

Tim Pawlenty/Beast: I'm also covered with blue fur. That's where the "Paw" in "T-Paw" comes in.

Ailes/Prof. FoX: Boring. We need someone with charisma, who can excite the electorate...

Herman Cain (codename "Magneto"): I've got a magnetic personality. I'm the host of my own syndicated radio talk show. Plus I'm black -- the Democrats can't play the race card against me.

Ailes/Prof. FoX: I like it! I like it! Finally a candidate with some electability. But what would you do to turn around America's economy?

Cain/Magneto: The same thing I did to turn around Godfather's Pizza -- reduce the number of toppings. That's all Americas has to do -- reduce the number of toppings. Anchovies, for instance -- I hate anchovies. Throw them off the menu!

Bamf! Trump/Azazel reappears in another cloud of smoke and mirrors.

Trump/Azazel: Speaking of pizza, whadaya say you and me go for a slice of genuine New York pizza, Mastermind, baby?

Palin/Mastermind: Sounds delicious! Can I have unlimited toppings?

Trump/Azazel: Don't worry, you're going to get all the pepperoni you can handle, sweetheart.

Palin/Mastermind and Trump/Azazel disappear in a cloud of smoke.

Ailes/Prof. FoX: Who's left?

Newt Gingrich (codename "Havoc"): I implode. Plus my wife Emma Frost is encrusted with $500,000 of Tiffany diamonds.

Ailes/Prof. FoX: Next.

Rick Santorum (codename "Riptide"): I can transform into a frothy mix of anal lube and fecal matter...

Ailes/Prof. FoX: Next!

Santorum/Riptide: No, seriously, have you ever Googled my name?

Ailes/Prof. FoX: NEXT!

Bamf! Trump/Azazel appears yet again in yet another cloud of smoke and mirrors.

Trump/Azazel: Don't forget to watch Celebrity Apprentice on NBC.

Ailes/Prof. FoX: Get out of here!

Bamf! Trump/Azazel disappears. Ailes/Prof. FoX pulls out his remaining hair. He is now completely bald.

Ailes/Prof. FoX: Can't anyone here beat Obama? I wish Chris "The Blob" Christie would get in the race.

Pawlenty/Beast: Cheer up. Things could be worse.

Ailes/Prof. FoX: How?!

Pawlenty/Beast: This could have been a Human Centipede parody.

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LOL oh man. Awesome!!!!
This is so funny, but it is also very close to the truth. R
Caidence, glad you liked it. Welcome aboard.
Trudge164, I wrote this BEFORE the second Republican debate on CNN. The scary thing is my made-up dialogue isn't that different from the truth.
Where's Rick Perry? He's the guy who wanted his state to secede from the USA before he decides he wants to be POTUS. And America is so crazy for POTUSes from Texas!
The centipede ticket. I LIKE it!!
This heavy handed bit of obvious and tasteless tripe proves once again that OS will EP ANYTHING, however meretricious, that is anti-Palin or anti FOX NEWS. To be both is a sure thing.

Note to RB. Real humor is based on fact. Have you any basis for describing either of your female targets as bimbos? I thought not. So your rant comes off as sexist, not humorous.

Of course, the lovely ladies of OS or NOW will never call you on it because the female targets are a)conservative and b)better looking than they are.
old new lefty, I couldn't think of an obvious character from the X-Men movies to match-up with Rick Perry (same thing with Ron Paul). Got any suggestions? Maybe the Toad?
Robin, thanks. xox to you too.
Matt, I'm picturing Mitt Romney and Michele Bachmann sewn together mouth to anus. The only question is which one is the top of the ticket.
Gordon, I admire a good flame, so allow me to respond:

Heavy handed? Guilty as charged. Obvious? Not guilty—unless you can produce another X-Men/Republicans parody as evidence. Tasteless? I'll let the jury decide on that one. Any piece that references both the Human Centipede and the Google definition of "santorum" will not be everybody's cup of tea.

In general, I would agree that OS is anti-Palin and anti-Fox. But I'm not the editor, so you will have to take that up with her. I do think if you wrote a good Obama or CNN parody, though, you could get it published—have you tried?

Real humor is based on fact? Not exactly; real humor is based on an exaggeration of fact. Sarah Palin and Michele Bachmann aren't bimbos? That's a matter of opinion. Every time I listen to them speak, I hear pole dancers. (That may be unfair to pole dancers everywhere—I apologize.)

Sexist? Possibly. I was half-expecting to hear from humorless feminists (as opposed to the kind with senses of humor) complaining. Who knew I would hear from a humorless conservative instead? For the record, I also consider, say, George W. Bush a bimbo, so you could say I'm an equal-opportunity offender.
I wasn't complaining that your attempt at humor was granted EP status. I was simply observing that given its targets, that high honor was virtually a lead pipe cinch.

Your definition of humor is rather narrow. Understatement is just as much a device to achieve it, but I have the feeling that's not your style.

You clearly follow the Alice in Wonderland approach to the meaning of words. Why not just interpret my comment as praise?

I contribute to OS for one reason only--to provide a counterpoint to the collectivist hogwash that dominates it. On the few occasions when I made a favorable comment about Obama, accidents will happen, I've been FPd and EPd. Those were hardly my finest hours.

I don't know if bimbo Joan Walsh--hey, this is fun!--is still around, but I note with some pleasure that she's embarrassed herself on both sides of the political spectrum on account of her premature and misguided comments on l'affaire Weiner.

You are obviously tickled to death by your own little piece of parody. I would give it a C+ based on the overworking of a single comic gambit.