Literary Ventriloquism At Its Finest!

Robert Brenner

Robert Brenner
New York, New York, USA
March 30
Robert Brenner is a humorist, critic, and ventriloquist. His work has been published in New York Magazine, the Huffington Post, Grin & Tonic, and Happy. He has been interviewed on LeMorningShow, the first Twitter talk show. He is a proud graduate of André Aciman’s Writers’ Institute at the Graduate Center at CUNY. He lives in New York City with his child bride and two (imaginary) cats. Email: rabrenner@prodigy.net


OCTOBER 3, 2011 11:59AM

Ed Koch: With Friends Like This, Israel Doesn't Need Enemies

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ed koch
Former Mayor Edward I. Koch's strategy seemed almost nutty at first: ask Jewish residents in Brooklyn and Queens to vote against an Israel-loving observant Jew for Congress to send a message to President Obama...Now Mr. Koch is considering taking his critique of President Obama's policies toward Israel to a national stage. --the New York Times

Hi, I'm Ed Koch! How am I doing? I haven't been mayor of New York City since the dinosaurs roamed Manhattan. I used to be a big macher, but now I'm a little pisher. Things got so bad that I was reduced  to writing movie reviews for a throwaway local rag to keep my name in the newspapers. 

But things are looking up. The City Council recently renamed the Queensboro bridge  after me. And I just stuck my schnozz in the race for Anthony Weiner's vacated seat. (I would have liked to stick my schnozz into Anthony Weiner, but I'm still not out. Remember "vote for Cuomo, not the homo?" I'm proud to be a Jew, but ashamed to be a feygelah.) After being a lifelong Democrat, I crossed party lines and endorsed the Republican in the race to send a message to Barack Obama about Israel. The Republican won, and the Democrats lost a seat they've held longer than I've been alive--which is saying something.

What does Anthony Weiner's seat have to do with Israel? Nothing! But it worked--I got Obama's attention.  Now I'm threatening to campaign against the schvartzer in Florida unless he comes across. I've still got a strong following among the alter cockers down there.  Remember how they cost Al Gore the election in 2000 by accidentally voting for that putz, Pat Buchanan? 

What do I have against Obama? Let me spell it out for you: If you're a goy and you criticize Israel, then you're an anti-Semite. If you're one of the Chosen and criticize Israel, then you're a self-hating Jew. (I'm looking at you, Tony Judt! Why do you think Yahweh gave you Lou Gehrig's disease?) And if you're a schvartzer and you criticize Israel, well, that's beyond the Pale. 

What did Al Sharpton--I mean Obama, I can't tell them apart--do that's so anti-Israel?  He threw Israel under the bus, that's what! He had the chutzpah  to suggest to Benjamin Netanyahu  that maybe, just maybe, building more Jewish settlements in the occupied territories might be a stumbling block to peace.  It's a shanda! (New York Magazine had the chutzpah to  call Barack Obama "the first Jewish president." Feh! As everyone knows, Abraham Lincolnwitz was the first Jewish president--why do you think he grew the beard? "You can fool some of the goyim all of the time...")

This ain't chopped liver. Mahmoud Abbas applied to the UN last week for Palestinian statehood. He won't get it--the U.S. will block the resolution  in the Security Council. The schvartzer may be a goy (or maybe a Muslim; who can tell?) but he doesn't have a goyishe kop. In the end, he'll do what AIPAC tells him. But Abbas caused a lot of tsuris. That French surrender monkey, Nicolas Sarkozy, went so far as to suggest giving the Palestinians  "observer state" status, like the Vatican. Yeah, and Dominique Strauss-Kahn  should be the Pope.

This Arab Spring mishegas is the winter of Israel's discontent. (William Shakespearewitz wrote that--another Jew: the Beard of Avon) Old allies like Turkey and Egypt have turned against us. Old enemies like Iran are emboldened. (Mahmoud Ahmadingbat gave his annual "I Have A Delusion" speech to the General Assembly.) Moammar Khadafy may have been meshuggeneh,  but at least he was our meshuggeneh. Now is not the time to experiment with cockamamie new ideas --because the status quo is working out so well.

Of course, if the schvartzer loses Florida, the Republican wins. And that Republican could be Rick Perry. I could live with that. He's an evangelical Christian.  The Holy Rollers are strong supporters of the state of Israel--even if they do see it at a kind of Indian reservation for Jews. (They believe in the Biblical prophecy that all Jews must return to Israel before their precious Messiah can come back. Oy, are they in for a surprise!) At least he's not a Mormon.  The enemy of my enemy is my bubbeleh. When did rounding up the Jews ever end badly?

Well, I've got to go now. I've got a review of "I Don't Know How She does It" to turn in. Meantime, I wonder if Anthony Weiner could use a political mentor. That boychik's got some shvanz on him! Hi, I'm Ed Koch! How am I doing? I used to be a big macher, but now I'm an even bigger schmuck.
Author's note: The author is a non-self-hating Jew.

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