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Literary Ventriloquism At Its Finest!

Robert Brenner

Robert Brenner
Location
New York, New York, USA
Birthday
March 30
Bio
Robert Brenner is a humorist, critic, and ventriloquist. His work has been published in New York Magazine, the Huffington Post, Grin & Tonic, and Happy. He has been interviewed on LeMorningShow, the first Twitter talk show. He is a proud graduate of André Aciman’s Writers’ Institute at the Graduate Center at CUNY. He lives in New York City with his child bride and two (imaginary) cats. Email: rabrenner@prodigy.net

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NOVEMBER 9, 2011 2:57PM

Hulk Occupy Wall Street

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hulk 

 

 Hulk See Greed. Hulk Smash! -- the Wall Street Journal

"Don't make me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry."

How many times have I said that? Over the years, I've become something of an expert on anger management, ever since my unfortunate gamma radiation incident.

(Pardon me for not speaking in monosyllabic grunts. You're confusing me with my alter ego. I'm Dr. Bruce Banner, not the Hulk. People make the same mistake about Frankenstein all the time.)

These days there seems to be a lot of anger around. First from the right, from the Tea Parties. They were angry at the federal government, at universal healthcare, at the budget deficit. Mostly they seemed angry that a black man was President of the United States. As somebody whose alter ego has green skin, I've also become something of an expert on racism.

How much of this anger was real and how much was manufactured by the Koch brothers for their own nefarious purposes remains unclear. I half expect them to be unmasked and revealed to be the Leader and Modok.

Now the anger comes from the left, from Occupy Wall Street. They're angry at corporate greed, high unemployment, and income inequality. Mostly, they seem to be angry at the one percent that are screwing things up for the remaining ninety-nine percent of us. (Are you listening, Tony Stark?)

The protests had their origins with Adbusters in Canada, but as far as I can tell, neither Wolverine or the Wendigo are involved.

Look, I'm a nuclear physicist, not an economist. But you don't need to be Nightmare to know something has gone terribly wrong with the American dream. A strong country depends on a strong middle class. (I am also something of an expert on strength, being able to bench-press a battleship.) And the middle class in the United States is shrinking, not growing. We're in danger of turning into a plutocracy ruled by a Tyrannus-style elite, while the rest of us are crushed underfoot by Juggernaut-style poverty.

I'm not talking about income redistribution. I'm not a Communist, like the Crimson Dynamo or Titanium Man. And I'm certainly not advocating violence, despite my "smash first, ask questions later" reputation. This is the United States, not Italy.

I just want to level the playing field by closing tax loopholes for the superrich. (I'm also very good at leveling things.) I want public service workers to be treated like dedicated professionals, not parasites like the Absorbing Man. And I want the CEOs that caused the financial crises in the first place to go to jail -- and share a cell with the Abomination.

So far I've been disappointed by the Republican response to the financial crisis. Mitt Romney says corporations are people too. If corporations are people, then I'm one of the Mad Thinker's androids. (Some conservatives call Romney a RINO, but he looks nothing like the Rhino to me.)

Rick Perry says we need to deregulate. Isn't that how we got in this mess in the first place? Letting markets regulate themselves is like letting the Grey Gargoyle guard Fort Knox.

Herman Cain says we need to build an electrified fence to keep the Mexicans out. I'd like to introduce Herman Cain to Zzzax.

Ron Paul says we should end the Fed. His obsession with the Fed is like General Thaddeus "Thunderbolt" Ross's obsession with me. The Fed may have contributed to the housing bubble by setting low interest rates, but low interest rates don't force people to make bad investments. It takes a quant to do that.

Michele Bachmann says... oh, who the hell cares what Bachmann says? She just stands there looking pretty and staring off into space. Any chance she could be Umar the Unrelenting in disguise?

But I'm also disappointed with Obama. After two years of spineless capitulation to the Republicans, he finally sounds like the guy I voted for again. It's almost as if there's two of him: a nerdy political scientist and a raging populist monster. You don't suppose... ? Nah, that only happens in comic books.

The whole thing is very annoying. Aggravating, in fact. Infuriating! No, wait, my pulse is racing, my heartbeat is elevated....AARGH! ENOUGH PUNY BANNER TALKING! HULK SMASH ONE PERCENT! TAKE FROM RICH, GIVE TO POOR! ZUCCOTTI PARK, HERE HULK COMES!

 

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cool down green man! anger just gets us dead faster. Really! but there is a lot of crap to be cleaned up if you want to zen down that temper. Cut the wheat, carry the water!
Hulk smash puny zen philosophy! Hulk just want to be left alone by 1%!