Literary Ventriloquism At Its Finest!

Robert Brenner

Robert Brenner
New York, New York, USA
March 30
Robert Brenner is a humorist, critic, and ventriloquist. His work has been published in New York Magazine, the Huffington Post, Grin & Tonic, and Happy. He has been interviewed on LeMorningShow, the first Twitter talk show. He is a proud graduate of André Aciman’s Writers’ Institute at the Graduate Center at CUNY. He lives in New York City with his child bride and two (imaginary) cats. Email: rabrenner@prodigy.net


MAY 1, 2012 9:55PM

Republican Avengers Assemble!

Rate: 1 Flag
August. Tampa, Florida. The Republican National Convention.

NICK FURIOUS: The world has changed. The war has begun. We're hopelessly outgunned. 

AGENT MARIA HILL: What is it this time--Loki? Ultron? Kang the Conqueror?

NICK FURIOUS: Barack Obama. If we don't stop him now, he will transform America into a European socialist nanny state with universal health care, income equality, and college education for all. The only way we can defeat him is by joining forces behind one candidate and presenting a united front. Now who's it gonna be?

THE MIGHTY MORE: Verily, tis a task for the Mighty More, the God of Money. I will smite him with Mjölner, my mystic silver spoon--them posthumously convert him to Mormonism.

THE INCREDIBLE NEWT: The angrier Newt gets, the stronger Newt gets. And right now Newt furious about More carpet-bombing Newt with attack ads. Newt smash puny Mormon!

The Incredible Newt and the Mighty More start wrestling on the convention floor for the nomination.

NICK FURIOUS: See, that's what I'm talking about. If we don't hang together, we'll hang separately... 

CAPTAIN 1950s AMERICA: It's not the economy, it's values. Our fundamental American freedoms are under attack by a false theology. I want to take America back to a golden era when men were men, women were barefoot and pregnant, and homos stayed in the closet. 

NICK FURIOUS: Uh, I think you just lost us the women's vote, the independent vote, and Log Cabin Republicans. 

THE INVINCIBLE GOLD MAN: You're all making this way too complicated. We just have to get rid of the Fed and go back to the gold standard. If that doesn't work, we can always go back to the barter system...

NICK FURIOUS: Uh, I think we need something a little sexier...

Suddenly, a red, white, and blue tour bus roars into the convention center. A black spandex-clad figure leaps out.

BLACK GRIZZLY: That's my cue. Drill, baby, drill! It's time to say screw the lamestream media and nominate me to be President of the United States, you betcha. It's either this or take a gig with NBC.

THE MIGHTY MORE: Brazen harlot! Thou thinks thou can skip the primaries and snatch the nomination at the last minute? I should whip thee like a cur, then tie thee to the roof of my car.

THE INCREDIBLE NEWT: Shut up, slick hair! Pretty lady make Newt hot! Maybe she be Mrs. Newt Number Four some day!

The Incredible Newt and the Mighty More resume fighting on the convention floor. 
CAPTAIN 1950S AMERICA: What are you doing here, sweetheart? Politics is no place for girls. You should be home baking cookies where you belong.

BLACK GRIZZLY: Why don't you man up, grow a pair, and make me? Red, white, and blue are my colors, not yours! You wanna avenge something, why don't you avenge what Katie Couric did to me?

Black Grizzly and Captain 1950s America  start wrestling on the convention floor for the nomination. 

THE INVINCIBLE GOLD MAN: Of course if the barter system didn't work out, we could always go back to seashells and bags of salt. If it was good enough for the ancient Babylonians, it's good enough for me. As I said to King Hammurabi...

NICK FURIOUS: Don't we have any more candidates?  What happened to War Hawkeye?

AGENT MARIA HILL: The neocons are keeping a low profile this election. You know, Afghanistan and Iraq didn't turn out so well. There's a lot of saber rattling about Iran, but not a lot of enthusiasm for more regime changing and nation building. Say, why do you hate Obama? Aren't you, you know, black?

NICK FURIOUS (defensively): Can't a strong, independent black man think for himself? Does he always have to support the Democratic candidate?

AGENT MARIA HILL: What's the real reason?

NICK FURIOUS: Shhhh! Don't tell anyone. I'm actually an old white dude. My image inducer's stuck. In fact, I'm John McCain.

AGENT MARIA HILL: How desperate is the GOP that it depends on flawed creatures like these?

NICK FURIOUS: Wait a minute, you're not Agent Maria Hill! You're Loki!

Agent Maria Hill transforms into Loki.

LOKI: In the flesh.

NICK FURIOUS: So you're behind all this mischief! I should have known.

LOKI: Not a bit of it. Thou did it to thyselves, mortal, when thou moved so far to the right. Eisenhower, Nixon, even thy precious Ronald Reagan would be considered too liberal for the current GOP. As the result, all thou hath left are cranks, bigots, and wing nuts.

NICK FURIOUS: That should make you very happy.

LOKI: It doth not. In addition to being the God of Mischief, I am also the God of Cunning. And I cannot abide stupidity.

NICK FURIOUS: Well, there's only one thing left to do.

Furious pulls out an enormous gun.

LOKI: Is that for me? Thou knowest I am immune to mortal armaments.

NICK FURIOUS: No, it's for me.

Furious sticks the gun in his mouth and pulls the trigger.

LOKI: Avengers disassemble.

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Incredible Newt REALLY angry now!
By the way, the Avengers movie rocks.