Yes, I know.  That forward button is just sitting there, just aching to be pushed.  But please, before you do, please consider….

Nothing magical is going to happen if you do.   Bill Gates is not going to give you a laptop.  You aren’t going to see a special screen and the original email is not going to show you something hilarious.  God is not going to grant you any miracles.  No cancer patient is going to get the money for a cure.  All you’re going to do by forwarding such an email is expose yourself as a gullible chump.

Please check your email history.  That bit about Mars appearing as large as the full moon in August?  You sent it in 2009….and 2008….and 2007….and 2006... and 2005… and 2004….Call me crazy, but I sense a pattern.  The truth is, Mars’ closest encounter with Earth was in August 2003.  It was particularly bright for Mars, but if you expected Mars to appear as large as the moon does you were disappointed then as you will be every single August for the rest of your life, since these emails are doomed to be sent every July for all eternity.  By the way, if Mars ever DID appear as large in our sky as the moon, the tidal effects would be disastrous.

Does your email contain the acronym “ACLU”?  If so, it is almost certainly false.  The ACLU is not trying to remove the crosses on graves in Arlington, they aren’t filing suit to stop Marines from praying, they didn’t take “In God We Trust” off our coinage, They aren’t forcing businesses to say “Happy Holidays” in lieu of “Merry Christmas”, that’s a business decision that private businesses are allowed to make.  As far as the coins go, if you don’t see your precious motto on a coin, check the other side!  Or even the edge!

Oh, and if the word “Obama” appears in your email, there’s a 100% chance that it is wrong.  He isn’t Kenyan, Muslim, Marxist, Communist, Socialist,  He stands for the national anthem and will recite the pledge (one of the many silly things we expect our presidents to do).  He wore an American flag pin on his lapel during the 2008 campaign (something John McCain did NOT do).  He did NOT refuse to declare a National Day of Prayer (another silly job we demand of our presidents).  He did NOT promote a Muslim postage stamp (although George W Bush did).  No, he didn’t use a teleprompter to talk to elementary school students.  No, he didn’t apologize to the UK for the American Revolution.  There are many things that you will get forwarded to you about Obama.  None of them are true.  When in doubt, check it out.

Or maybe you got one of those anti-PC rants supposedly written by Bill Cosby or George Carlin or Andy Rooney.  See that button that looks like a garbage can?  That’s what that button is for.  These guys are all pretty liberal in their political ideology.  They’d rather ride a bicycle without a seat than be credited with the bullshit that is sent under their name.  Well, maybe not so much Carlin since he did the hokey-croaky.

I haven’t described it yet?  How about those pictures of the twin towers ablaze above an account of Oliver North testifying about the perils of bin Laden to then Senator Al Gore?  Nope, North himself disavows that one, though you have to go to an archival version of his web site to see it.  Turns out he wasn’t talking about bin Laden.  Nor was he even speaking to Al Gore, who wasn’t even in the room.  Yes I know, 9/11 is the Ace of Trumps that wins all arguments whenever played.  Welcome to reality, chumpo.

Whatever the message, my forwarding it is not going to make you rich, nor does the Almighty work via chain email.  Your anti-Obama crap mail isn’t going to sway my politics, and if you’re dumb enough to believe the junk you send out, then you were never in any danger of voting Democratic in the first place.  Do yourself a favor. Check out those stories before forwarding.  Snopes is your friend.  Don’t like Snopes?  Do whatever research you can, there are other hoax-busting sites out there.  Or {GASP} go to the library.