Rod Emmons

Rod Emmons
Location
Cape Coral, Florida, United States
Birthday
June 01
Bio
MY OPEN SALON BIO (‘Cause someone said I needed one) BLOG: Oh how I hate that word. The idea is great, but the word, itself, sounds so ... so icky. It's a name for something caught in your throat or something stuck to the bottom of your shoes ... something someone did that smells ... not a name for a journal or diary or random editorializing. Whose word is that, anyway? Smells awfully yuppie to me. Yet here I am, stuck in computor-ese, once more dancing to someone else’s drum … Blogging. Oh well, maybe I can get past that. 'Cause while I’m here, I’d occasionally like to do a little soul searching, sometimes think out loud, let others hear, and see what kind of s--t that stirs up. My life’s path has wandered into sales, management, banking, appraising, real estate, construction, design … yes, even politics … and a host of other activities that together, I think have opened my eyes, and hopefully, my mind. So you’ll get a dose of me from several perspectives, some a little tame, others fairly jaded, all a little philosophical. I can’t help it; it’s an itch that needs to be scratched, and now the pus is about to spill onto this site. Anyway, I tend to be irreverent, sarcastic and glib, and there's a good chance I’ll say something that will piss you off. In that event, just click the red "X" in the upper right corner, I’ll disappear and you'll be safe after that. But if you’re willing to take a risk, and aren’t afraid of skinning your knees, come on in. You might have some fun and there’s a first-aid kit close by. Just remember: proceed with caution, avoid the puddles, and always … ALWAYS! … wear rubbers (on your shoes).

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Salon.com
FEBRUARY 17, 2010 10:41AM

Confessions Of A Sexual Pervert

Rate: 13 Flag

Ive carried this too long:

I have to confess; I am a sexual pervert.  So what, you say?  So are you.  Maybe. But I’m not talking about your typical, everyday perversions, like Threesomes or Bestiality or sadomasochism or the usual stuff like that.  No; I’m talking some really way out stuff, stuff like:

 

Tongue Lashing:  I do it … a lot!  And while I am usually a firm believer in, “Never shit where you eat” (meaning never mess with the help), when it comes to tongue lashing I toss that rule aside.  My favorite place to do it is at work … with any and all employees.  That’s when it’s the most fun … with employees; that, and ball busting. I get a real kick from it (another perversion).

 

Ball Busting (tongue lashing with pain): Originated in NJ, this too is an employee perversion, and one I take great pride in.  But I’ve ball busted in many other locations as well … bars, locker rooms, club meetings … and I do it with men and women, alike.  There is no limit to what I might say, then follow with, “Hey I’m just bust’n your balls.”  Then I pray they get it.

 

Ass Kissing:  I’m not really into this one.  But many of my employees are; a lot of other people I know, too.  And some are quite good at it.  But here’s a hint: this is a subtle perversion.  If a recipient knows it is happening, then you’re doing it wrong.  Faked sincerity is the orgasm of kissing ass.

 

Ass Kicking:  Virtually the opposite of ass-kissing.  I used to love this one, but I’m too old now.  This perversion requires dexterity and mucho booze.  I no longer have the dexterity.  But it can still be a good motivational tool … kind of like foreplay … and a little like S&M, if you get my drift (all you Sers).

 

Bull Shitting:  This perversion began in cowboy times … sitting around, watching bulls defecate.  As the bulls did their business, the cowboys would comment and cheer and even wager as to which bull’s defecation was a) the biggest, or b) the smelliest or c) the firmest (“c” had to be personally judged).  In time, the conversation became more exciting than the event itself, and thus, modern day bullshitting was born.  I consider this one of my most skilled perversions.

 

Shit Kicking:  This one evolved out of the original Bull Shitting … and was a way for the cowboys to assess firmness.  Cowboys would hang around all day, every now and then testing the firmness of the bullshitting by kicking it.   They scored each kick, 1 to 10, and then betting on the degree of firmness with the next kick. Today, it simply means, hanging out.

 

Hanging Out:  Not to be confused with Shit Kicking, this is another fave of mine, but illegal in most states.  So I only do it in the privacy of my own home … with another consenting adult … preferably female … where we “let it all hang out” in our underwear.   This is great fun!

 

Mind Fucking:  My favorite perversion of all … and what I am doing right now … with you.

 

 

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Comments

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Geez, I got that off my chest ... I feel better already!
~Cacklehowls~

Dammit Rod... it's dangerous to make me laugh my ass off before I have had my morning ration of coffee!
I'm going to get a whole different type of thrill from these activities now that I know they have a sexual connotation. "Oh! Ummm! Oh!" -- I've been missing out for such a long time.
R
Ain't that a real tittie twister!
Good grief...you are one clever man....but then I have known it for years.

Very funny stuff.
R
That's just funny. Perverted, but funny. Then again, who am I to talk?
None of these are as perverse as my compulsion to flog my blog.
I am torn between kissing your ass and telling you how great and funny this is or kicking your ass for posting this, you sick bastard. " I used to love this one, but I’m too old now. This perversion requires dexterity and mucho booze." (Your description of Ass-kicking) . I agree, therefore, I must go with the Ass-kissing, forget the tongue, and tell you how great and fun this was. You are one clever, funny, twisted guy.
Very clever mind fucking ;0)
VERY clever Rod. But is it true how bull-shitting came to be or are you just BSing us?
Ms. Raptor ... always good to see you. I posted this at 10:00 a.m. How late do you sleep?

Bonnie ... I added the Y; Bust'n my what? I couldn't hear you. Your call was interrupted by all the other bullshit. Call back later and we'll share another perversion: Do'n things the Hard way.

Donna ... They're all fun, but avoid the shit kicking 'les you're wearing some really good boots. It's a rampant sport in West Palm Beach County.

William Beck ... Wash your mouth out! 'round here we say, "boobies!" But that IS a great perversion. I do it all the time ... Now that I'm old I call it "twist'n with the oldies" ... or "SAGenaw Blues."

Hey Buff! I sure hope you're feeling better. You gotta get some rest, lady, and leave this falderaw [sp] to us healthier idiots. But thanks for the compliment. You know it's mutual (Actually, she's here to claim plausable deniability. She's the one who invited me to OS).

Owl ... Perversion is in the eye of the pervert. ;>)

John B. ... It was my pleasure (smoke em if ya got em).(Word has it john b. likes to hoist his sails).

Jeff ... since you're already flogg'n blogs, would you mind blow'n J.B.s mind? He's more used to you than me.


Dr. Spud ... Does this qualify as an *entrance* exam to your services? If so, I'm on my way ... and I'll skip the priest. Hell, I'm not Catholic anyway. Oh, and thanks for the kiss.

Dorinda ... thanks for noticing. Nice words from a 1st class comic critic (ergo 1st CCC). I consider that my best perversion ... or at least my most fun one.

Lea ... Thanks for stopping. It is true ... that origin of bullshitting ... but only in my mind. I now prefer to make up my own history since the original one is so often twisted. I figure I can twist it as good as the next guy ... at least in my brain ... where no man has (dared) gone before. ;>) Damn it's fun in there!
Quite genius! But, still, hmmmmm....
Getting screwed actually seems preferable to your list.
Have you blown an one off lately? I have!
Well, I never..............................................

Monte

'-)
MAWB ... is that a Hmmmmm job?

Lisa .... Thanks.

Rainee ... Of course getting screwed seems preferable to you. you're not a pervert! As to blowing anyone off lately ... only John B. He claims I blew his mind.

Monte ... I almost didn't send this to you; not now; not while you're doing the 40 days/40 nights series. Almost seems sacreligious. ;>)

Thanks for stopping by.
You're hilarious!

"Mind Fucking"...

LOL!
My perversion: Some of my best friends are Republicans.
Wow!

This was hilarious! The "mind fuck" ending indeed.
Spotted ... Gives a who new meaning to "Stick it in your ear," doesn't it.

Ole/New ... Hope I'm one of them!

Sparking ... Thanks for stopping by; see my comment to Spotted_mind. Come back again. :>)
I'd tell you this was hilarious, but I'm not into ass-kissing ;)
I personally have no problem with a good tongue lashing. But then again, if I have to give directions and provide a GPS for the exact destination of that lashing, all bets are off.... ;) Great post!
Smithery ... Ass-kissing is for those who are not yet ass-kickers; kind of a bass-ackwards way of climbing the so-called "ladder of success."

O'Really? ... Good to see you! Actually, tongues are like devining rods ... the best ones go straight to the sweetest juice (ergo, my name, Rod). Personally, I have a forked tongue. Fork: an instrument designed specifically for eating. Like I said, good to see you.
"c had to be personally judged"--Oh, what a hoot!!!!!
Here's a riddle for you: How many brands of bovine digestive byproduct are there?