Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini.  The bartender asks, "olive or twist."  

I love a good joke.  That one, courtesy of my friend Roger Benford, happens to be a great joke. I like to smile and laugh, and as long as I can do that, I want to be alive.

*    *    *    * 

I'm sick and tired of disingenuous, lying, stupid-ass politicians, and Fox News knuckleheads that continue to raise red flags about Obama's "death panels."  Sarah Palin revisited the subject today in the Wall Street Journal.  Guess what Sarah? We're all going to die someday, and there is a damn good chance that someone that you love will decide the date and time that it's going to happen. That makes them an "evil death panel," doesn't it?

Sarah Palin and Glenn Beck (2012 GOP dream ticket) love to point out that the socialist, communist, fascist, Marxist, Muslim, Kenyan, shitty bowler, and black man, President Obama, plans to "pull the plug on Grandma," without acknowledging the fact that we already do that.

Let's make this more agonizing and personal though. Everyone expects Grandma to die, right? Let's instead talk about pulling the plug on your husband or wife, your soulmate and best friend, and let's bring money into the decision.

I adore my wife. I would do anything for her, and living my life without her is unimaginable.  I've often said that she needs to outlive me because I don't want to go on without her. She feels the same way about me.

So, let's say that several years down the road, I've lost my battle with inoperable liver cancer (no, I'm healthy. This is a ghoulish hypothetical)  I'm 62 years old and Mrs. Fallihee is 61 (I do like younger women).

I'm on life-support and in a coma. The doctors all agree that I'm not going to come out of it.  Zero chance for a better outcome. Aetna is no longer going to pay to keep me alive. We have $150,000 in the bank.  That could cover me for two more weeks or my wife could use the money to live her life.

By the way, during those two weeks I won't wake up and reminisce about the good old days. I won't be chatting with my daughter about our "father-daughter crime team." I won't ask to get my pillow fluffed or for an extra slice of blackberry pie.  I won't be checking the Mariner's boxscore. I won't be snuggling up with the love of my life.

I'll be unconscious, tubes taped to my face, unable to respond to light, sounds, smells, or touch. In a matter of days I'll be dead, buried, and gone.

However Mrs. Fallihee has every reason to believe that she might live another thirty years.  That $150,000 might come in handy for silly things like food, medicine, and Match.com dues (you'll never find anyone as groovy as I am). 

*    *    *    *

Obviously this is nothing new.  Families have been faced with these decisions for years.  A living will provides a pathway to a legal, moral, and rational decision to disconnect someone from life support.

The problem is that assholes like Palin and Beck use real-life situations like this, situations that they have likely faced themselves, to scare seniors into opposing "Obamacare." Why do they do it?  The status quo works fine for them. Screw the rest of us. All they care about is their own personal tax bill, and they loathe the idea of it going up.

Yes Mrs. Palin, you may have to make these choices when your parents or husband Todd is near death.  Todd may be faced with the choice if it's you in the coma. Your husband might end up being your your own personal "evil death panel."

Maybe Levi Johnston will eventually marry Bristol, and if Todd's already dead Levi might have a hand in determining whether you live or die.  Shoulda thought of that before you trashed him in public, dontcha think?

*    *    *    *

The discussion that can't seem to happen in this country is whether or not it's worth keeping your husband alive. Families freely discuss these problems but politicians can't bring up quality-of-life issues without being labeled as social engineers, or Grandma killers. 

Should you drain your bank account for two more weeks of nothing but false hopes, and the crushing reality that your husband is already dead?  Should you tie up valuable resources so that more deserving (yes, I said "more deserving") patients might not have access to doctors, nurses, medicine, and equipment that could save their life?

I'm not one of these black and white guys.  I think that insurance companies are greedy and corrupt, but I also think that they provide necessary services.

I believe that the health care industry is fantastic in many ways, but I also think that many (not all) of the people involved would love to get their hands on my last $150,000.

We need to be able to have mature discussions that end-of-life care is just that;  end-of-life.  If you have terminal cancer you're not getting a hip replacement, unless you're Glenn Beck and you choose to pay for it yourself.

Whenever discussions like this come up, the participants are treated like they're Josef Mengele.  Once that happens politicians get cold feet, retreat, the public option is off the table, and everything stays the same. Aetna and Blue Cross pop the champaign corks, and all is well in their world. 

I'm 55 and in good health. I want to live as long as I possibly can, provided it's a life worth living.  I don't want to evaluated based on my productivity.  I want to be evaluated based on my ability to smile, curse at another blown save, or laugh at a good joke, which reminds me...  

A grasshopper goes into a bar. The amused bartender says, "Hey, we have a drink named after you."  The grasshopper replies, "You have a drink named Bob?"