I'm Not An Alcoholic. Alcoholics Go To Meetings.
Hi, my name is Roger and sometimes I think that I might drink just a tad bit too much, but it's not really a drinking problem per se, not anything like my dead Uncle Joe's drinking problem for example. Now that guy had a drinking problem. He chugged whisky directly out of the bottle, in the morning. I'm not like him, never have been, so I'm most definitely not an alcoholic. I don't drink until I pass out. I just sometimes drink too much. Big difference, right? No?
* * * *
"I'm a drunk, not an alcoholic. Alcoholics go to meetings."
My co-worker Ray uttered that memorable line one morning as he suffered through a "blood spurting out of his eyes" hangover. I was hungover too, but nothing like Ray. I'm nothing like Ray.
Ray drinks every day. I don't drink every day. Okay, I do drink every day, but not as much as Ray does. Okay, maybe I drink as much as Ray does, but I drink nice bottles of red wine and he drinks cheap vodka. And I'm tall and Ray is short. So, I'm not like Ray.
* * * *
I love red wine. I love the sound of the cork popping out of the bottle, although twist caps are easier. I love how red wine smells, how it tastes, how it looks in the glass, and how it makes me feel... except the next morning, but that doesn't happen until tomorrow, right? Plenty of time to worry about that. Now's the time to drink. Tomorrow morning is the time to wonder why I drink.
* * * *
There's nothing like that third glass of wine to remind me that I get to have a fourth glass soon. And that fourth glass takes me right to the edge. A fifth glass is too much. Four is just right. I'd be an alcoholic if I had that fifth glass, and alcoholics sleep in gutters and panhandle and don't smell very good. I sleep in a nice bed with my beautiful wife, I have money in the bank, and I smell just fine, thank you very much.
* * * *
Someone gave me a very nice pewter wine stopper for a Christmas gift. That gift never made it out of the box.
* * * *
Speaking of box, box wine was invented for people like me who like to consume large amounts of cheap red wine, and also like to keep a loose record of the amount consumed. A quick glance at a box of wine gives no indication as to the fullness, or emptiness of said box. That's a good thing if you like to drink more than your wife thinks that you do.
Each box holds the equivalent of four bottles. Four bottles of wine with no empties in the recycling? That is so awesome. The box makes it possible to indulge in that fifth glass of wine, the glass that guarantees that I'll feel like shit the next morning. But when I sip, or chug that last glass of wine I feel good and buzzed, ready for a restless, unhealthy night's sleep.
I never have a problem falling asleep but I do have a problem staying asleep. Every night, at around 3:00am, I wake up, heart racing, an alcohol/sugar induced anxiety attack. From that point on I stare at the clock. 3:15, 3:35, 4:08, 4:22, 4:49. Finally, sometime around 5:00 I fall asleep, maybe, only to hear the ugly buzz of my alarm clock at 6:30.
After taking three Advils, two cups of coffee, and a shower, I'm ready to face the world. I've already decided that I'm not going to drink tonight. No way. I'm too tired. I need to get a good night's sleep. I can't keep this up.
At lunch I'm still firmly committed to not drinking tonight. I'll go home, have a cup of tea or a Diet Coke, eat dinner, hang out with Mrs. Fallihee, watch some TV, go to bed, and wake up feeling like a million bucks. That's what I'm going to do, damnit.
By 4:00pm I'm firmly committed to the idea of only having one glass of wine at dinner. I just want to relax a little after a hard day at work. The fact that my day was made more difficult by my alcohol induced lack of energy doesn't factor in to my decision making process.
I get home, head straight into the kitchen, and lift up the box of wine. It's feeling a little light. No worries though, I have an unopened box in the back of the pantry. Nobody ever notices when the old box is gone and the new one is in place. Nobody ever knows how many days it took to empty the box.
That first glass tastes so good. I sip it slowly since I'm only going to have one. I have to make it last. The glass is almost empty but I'm feeling so good I have no problem having a second glass. I tell myself that if I just have two glasses I'll be fine.
Dinner is over, the dishes are done, and it's time to settle into the cable news shows and a third glass of wine... and then a fourth, then just a splash (or two) before bed and my abbreviated night of sleep.
* * * *
I know that I'm not getting any younger, I'm gaining weight, I feel like crap, and I'm going to do it all over again tonight. I'm not wired like those people that have one glass of wine then stop. I hate those people. They get to enjoy the healthy pleasure of that first glass without diving into the abyss.
* * * *
I have a true phobia of becoming a zealot. One of my biggest fears, other than uttering the words, "I'm an alcoholic," is becoming a born-again Christian. The idea of approaching my friends and relatives with the greeting, "I'd like to talk to you about your relationship with Jesus," mortifies me.
When I was in college I attended a lecture by a well known Seattle radio personality named Frosty Fowler. Fowler started talking about his conversion to Christ and I became instantly consumed with panic, convinced that Jesus was about to enter my heart. I wanted nothing to do with that. I was so freaked out I left the lecture and ran off, silently imploring Jesus to stay the hell away from my heart. He did.
It's my fear of facing my problem and keeping Jesus away from me that makes it impossible for me to join AA. Hell, I just won't drink tonight. If I do I'll just have one. Maybe two. No more than four. I'm not going to have that fifth glass. Alcoholics do that, not me.
* * * *
On March 2, 2009, I woke up after another bad night's sleep, and finally realized that enough is enough. I hated the way that I felt and I could no longer live like this. So I did what I always do, which was to decide that I wasn't going to drink tonight. Except this day ended differently than the others. I didn't drink.
I didn't drink the next day either, or the day after, or the day after that. It's been 224 days and I still haven't had a drink, and I don't miss it.
I go to sleep at 10:00pm and wake up at 6:00am, rested, clear-headed, and relaxed. It feels good. It feels real good.
Seven months without a drink. No meetings, no support groups, no regrets, and no red wine.
My name is Roger, I am an alcoholic, I haven't had a drink in seven months, and I'm not going to have one tomorrow, and I'm still keeping Jesus out of my heart. Win win for me.
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Comments
I had to laugh when you wrote about your uncle because I had one just like him and I use to make myself feel good by saying I'm nothing like him!
Congratulations on not drinking for almost a year and I hope you have many more sober and healthy years ahead of you.
Rated!
Fuckers! I hate 'em, too!
Thanks Rich.
I'm going to be away from my computer for the next 12 hours or so but I will get back to each and every comment.
Rated.
7 Months already without drink! Keep it up, you will never regret it. With deepest respect.
R
Now for the writing: Excellent! Perfectly and clearly said. The vulnerability, honesty and humility you exhibit in your writing gives me, the reader, a crystal clear picture of your experience. You always manage to weave your good humor throughout, and it is my hope that others will be helped and motivated by this post. Thanks Roger!
I hope this hits the front page for you, Roger. You should get some serious reactions from this one.
Thank you for an outstanding piece of writing. This is a very brave article.
This insightful chronicling of your honest confrontation with yourself and your effectual resulting actions will certainly translate into a reality check and vibrant hope for others.
That, in addition to the cogent and moving writing style evidenced in this post, is an incredible gift.
Rated and appreciated.
Made me even wonder about my wine consumption (I love wine - read about, attend tastings, etc.) I don't usually drink more than two glasses unless its a Friday night or something, but I see me pour a little more in occasionally and have a restless night, which is so not worth it for me. I'm a fairly small person, so even a little too much can be a lot to much on my body.
While I don't think I'm quit-worthy yet, at least this piece made me re-examine and realize the importance of a clear-head and good rest.
I wonder whether mentally, emotionally, you noticed a difference. I mean, essentially I'm guessing most of overdrink as a form of escape.
As for keeping Jesus out of your heart, I hope you'll revisit that decision someday. He came so that we could have life and have it more abundantly. Too many folks see it as the opposite.
Great article. Rated.
RATED and appreciated
And I totally get the connection to the preacher types. But that it was, inevitably, an excuse. Like all the others.
Congratulations, Roger. Stay with it. You will be proud of yourself every remaining day of your life, deservedly so.
Rated, rated, rated!
Rated~~
Thanks for being brave and sharing your story.
and i know exactly what you mean about being afraid to become a zealot. i have the exact same fear.
congratulations.
Your story (Mary T.'s also) kind of blows a hole in the
classic AA model i.e. AA being the "only way".
I drink still to this day but also realize that one day
I will quit without regrets.
And yeah Rich Banks if Mary ever needs help reaching her bottom........ just sayin'
Don't let anybody tell you you aren't Really Sober without Steps or God. You're affirmatively choosing not to drink every day. Millions of people worldwide make the same decision.
Chuckling about keeping Jesus out of your heart. I've always thought it's the apex of smug condescension to insist The Way I Did It Is The Only Way To Do It. I mean, if somebody's imaginary friendship with a dead middle-eastern guy helps them to make the decision not to drink every day, that's great...but really, it's in poor taste to try to introduce him to everybody they meet.
When I stop drinking (and there will come a day when I do), I'm going to form an imaginary friendship with Jim Morrison or John Lennon. I think they'll be a lot more fun to talk to.
Congratulations on your success. It will continue. You only have to read your own incredible words to know that it can.
I love to make drinks, expecially the specialty kind of cocktails, as I have made known here on some foodie tuesdays. One might think that I tip too many. Hark! I have such lettle tolerance for alcolho I rarely have more than two and only on occasion. Not a daily drinker with the gramma duties. No booze around the kiddies. No desire helps, too.
Again, good for you, Roger. This is a great gift to yourself, your health and all the invigorating things you will do even better!
Welcome... I'm an addict 7 years sober. Your present journey will amuse, confuse and astound you! ~R~
Hope
The Christian-centric aspects of AA, while they have helped many stop drinking, are primitive and out-dated in 2009. Sadly, most people are scared or weak and can't face the facts of the Universe ... but you should- and most will see two things: the drinking urge itself is a dopamine loop gone awry; often the cause is developmental stage trauma.
And, "Hangovers seem to hurt more than they used to ... hank,jr" that's fer sure ...
Aloha Kakou
If 12 steps works for someone great (and there's plenty of AA in any treatment program) but what AA doesn't have is
1.) Anger Management therapy (for those resentments) &
2.) Cognitive Behavioral Therapy ( to correct alcoholic logic). Without actually going into treatment you won't participate in any groups, but anyone can google these 2 topics and get the books that the counselors themselves read and use. Trimpey's "Rational Recovery" is an interesting read as well. And finally, there's quite a few memoirs and bios of writers (who as a group are prone to liking alcohol) that can be interesting.
congratulations on saving yourself your way.
Rated!
She found an online group. She logs on every day. Plenty of drama but no Jesus. Works for her. She hates proselytizing of any kind.
Congratulations, btw. Hell of a lot of work but lots of ways to make it work.
Fellow Alcoholic Washingtonian! I love your writing of the journey to the "decision." It's an amazing journey. Mine included AA, which did not mention Jesus (or I would have ran from the building - and thank God the first meeting wasn't in a church), but I have never thought it is the only way. Anyone who does that is simply speaking into the wind. I walked into that room Jan 10, 2001 and am forever grateful for it. My spiritual journey is the richest part of my life, although it no longer includes AA. I didn't graduate, I just moved on (also did Alanon - great for growing up in an Alcoholic home - I liked this much better). I was looking for something deeper in my spiritual life AA didn't provide - it can be dogmatic at times just like religion. I love that there are different strokes for different folks.
However we get there, it's great that we do. So grateful for your amazing post. ::sincerely::
Sorry, I just had to do it. Moving forward, this post is excellent and obviously universal. Congratulations on your sobriety - you have given yourself an incredible gift. Don't know if you have any children or not, but you have given your wife/family an incredible gift, too.
Even with a family history of alcoholics and drug-abusers, I went through a five year period when I "gave myself permission" to drink as much as I wanted. (Yes, it's true, I can be quite the stupid one when I choose to.) My beverage of choice was bourbon. (Still love the smell of it!) "As much as I wanted" was never enough and kept increasing until I was experiencing black-outs on a regular basis. And those hangovers - killer!
Like you, I finally decided I was tired of feeling like shit and I quit - no AA (hate the fatalistic approach of AA), no rehab, just quit. Said to myself, "No more." That was 3 1/2 years ago. I don't miss it.
PS I already had Jesus in my heart before I decided to wash him in bourbon for five years. I'm pretty sure he much prefers my present iced tea or diet coke consumption to the bourbon.
Excellent writing!!! Rated.
While I still like my wine... probably more than is good for me... I did give up a rather costly cocaine addiction 25 years ago. I tried AA/NA/CA because I thought I was supposed to. I was 18 years old and it was before they had any real programs aimed at younger people... so the handful of meetings I attended were filled with experiences and dialogue I couldn't identify with... "My wife left me." "The dog left me." "I lost my job." ... and then there were the diehards who suggested that I should also give up sugar, coffee and cigarettes. Frankly they scared the hell out of me, especially when they suggested I find a higher power - um no, thank you. I gave up, went home, and haven't snorted a line since.
Excellent post! Highly rated.
A big issue with anyone's approach to these types of things is 'absolutes'. If we switch off of alcoholism for a moment, and go to diets, someone will always profess their diet is the one 'absolute' diet for everyone (and there is always someone with a wide open wallet behind it!)
While I know the treatment center I went to did not have a big fat wallet, they lobbied insurance companies who are trying to dictate on how to treat alcoholism, and do a great deal for the better treatment of alcoholics as whole, I know there are some that do. They, like AA, advocate a "body/mind/spirit" treatment of the disease. Treatment/abstaining is for the "body" - getting well w/ nutrition and the like - they remove you from sugar/caffeine while there as those spikes can replicate drug withdrawal spikes and they need to monitor you for safety. "Mind" is supposed to be AA - which is sorely lacking in my experience. AA is not designed to treat the mind - it was designed more for a spiritual life. "Spirit" is then of course AA - which is great in principle - the words of the steps are simply beautiful (and can be traced to Christianity which is frustrating to a lot of people) - but like anything organized, people are bound to fuck it up.
Mary T. made a great point about rational therapy - I definitely think this is missing in most treatment centers and AA doesn't support it, in fact in my experience, many people, not all (i.e. me) think AA should be "it." That can be confusing and misleading - it definitely has frustrated me at times. But, people can mess up anything...I just sat in my seat, ignored the damn people, took what I needed and left the rest. Overall, it was mostly good.
Treatment taught RET (Rational Emotive Therapy) but it was a small component of the overall theme - "go to AA." The statistics they were seeing for success were almost 67% based on 2 year sobriety results - but they are the #3 facility in the nation. I have continued to volunteer at this facility and they are aware of the pitfalls of the "industry" and AA. They do their best to recommend people for counseling and the like when they see the need for it. Personally, I see the results as a little misleading because many relapse after 2 years, usually between 3-5. Hazelden, the #1 facility, has a whole approach on the 3rd year - it's a rough time.
Schooling & Insurance is big source of the confusion around this. Schools splits psychology and chemical dependency into separate training, when they need to be more integrated, in fact I would say equally balanced. Insurance, as we all know from the big health care debate, wants to keep costs down. Alcoholics are expensive. They are constantly trying to change the course of treatment to lower their costs - they had success at one point taking all treatment to 21 days but never were successful in fully implementing it.
Many people are not as lucky as you and can just "quit." Or, only do it for a year and then go back. I've heard it a lot over 10 years. Some can - no matter what - it all deserves applause. I appreciate you telling your truth so eloquently.
The myth that it is "will power" is something that will never serve any alcoholic - it is a physiological, biological, behavioral disorder - they have proven the genetic link through brain research in the middle of the 1990s (noted in book below). It simply shames those who have lower bottoms.
The most well rounded book I have read on the topic is: Beyond the Influence, co-written by Katherine Ketcham. It is very well done - and addresses all sides of the disease.
Thank you so much Roger for your provocative post. For many of us who have been there, it is trudging through murky waters. I appreciate you allowing me some space to share some of my thoughts and experience, too.
My higher power was at first an electric outlet (after all -- it's a power I can't see and it's a helluva lot stronger than me). Then I moved on to the trees and nature in general. Good old thunderstorm and I started to understand my place in the cosmos.
I think the biggest benefit of AA you're getting right here on OS, when you share your story and other people share theirs, and you find out you're just not that alone, or special.
I'm really glad you made the choice to quit. I've been sober a while too, and I know if I hadn't quit when I did, I would be dead by now. Or in jail. Or pushing a laundromat cart down the freeway.
good writing -- you'd be the funniest guy in the room in most of the AA meetings I used to go to.
1) I have nothing against AA for other people. I have many friends that have had huge success with this program.
2) I also have nothing against religious faith for other people. Personally I believe that the stories that were handed down over hundreds of years are just that... stories. Stories not based in anything other than a need to have faith to believe in the stories. I've always been an "evidence" guy. I've often said that all God/Jesus has to do to sign me up is to show his face in the sky. Just once.
My lack of Christian faith should not be construed as any form of criticism of people that do hold religious faith close to them.
Conversely, I hope that Christian tolerance and kindness towards others always includes agnostics and atheists. Based on these comments that seems to be true.
Thank you all for your time, input, and comments.
Too late. He's there and there's nothing you can do about it.
Congratulations on the will to stop drinking.
You are doing a wonderful thing for yourself and your family. Bless you.
Rated, of course!
I have been more impressed by "rational recovery" than AA - but AA works for many. It's interesting and enlightening to hear so many stories from different perspectives.
I hope to get together in Seattle in a few weeks - do you like karaoke? :)
and, of course, i'm envious of you for getting so many ratings so quickly and he EPO and cover shit. and pissed because you are now going to be most popular for the rest of time and you won't have time for me anymore. you've turned a corner in your writing here. it's superb! shit, now i have to write about being a sex addict... love love lvoe and gratitude
I was out to dinner with a couple of friends who both turned 50 last week. There were 10 of us, all men, old compadres who've known each other and traveled many varied paths in the last 20 - 25 years, some together and some alone. We all agreed that this quote from Frank Sinatra, framed on the wall of the old Italian joint we were dining in, was one of the best things ever:
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day."
I hope you keep feeling good for a long, long time brother.
I barely drink at all, but I relate to your story in my quitting smoking (103 days). Something of your thinking and approach remind me of of mine.
Kind of a funny ending to the day. I'm staying at my sister in laws vacation home (they're not here) and when I got here I opened the pantry and there stood an unopened box of wine... the exact same one in the pic. No temptations though.
Again, I appreciate all of the attention that you have paid to this post and it felt great to write and post it.
I have known an awful lot of people who went through AA and I've noticed that many of them are "dry drunks." All the reasons/behaviors that made them drink in the first place are still there. The only difference is that they don't drink. I think there must be a better way than that to re-build one's life.
I'm addicted to the internet
I know exactly what you're talking about and am at the trying to stick to two booze-free nights a week stage. Sounds easy; in reality it sometimes happens, sometimes doesn't. It's enough to convince me I'm not an alcoholic (or am I?) , but the dependancy level is high and worrying.
I know how good it feels not to drink; I achieved it once whilst dieting, but slipping back into old habits during stress is too big a temptation.
Congrats on your achievement and your excellent post. Highly Rated.
this part had me laughing: "I was so freaked out I left the lecture and ran off, silently imploring Jesus to stay the hell away from my heart. He did."
Hope
I look forward to many more posts as excellent as this. I have just discovered you.
I can relate to the box wine thing. I once consumed more expensive Merlot, but when I was up to four 750 ml bottles a day (yes, you heard me right!) and couldn't keep a job, I had to lower my standards. Ugh.
It keeps getting better. It takes time for the brain to repair and time to learn new coping skills, so hang on tight, the ride ain't over yet.
Researchers today think that labeling people this way is counterproductive because it dehumanizes people. I once drank too much and suffered the consequences. Now I don't drink at all. Simple.
And then there are those nights when--fer Christ's sake, it's Saturday--you want to have a whole bottle to yourself, but you're out to dinner, and somebody drinks part of your bottle, so you have to order another to get up to par. You might even have to have a glass when you get home to set the universe right again.
Rated.
BTW, check out this post:
http://open.salon.com/blog/joebono/2009/10/14/heavy_wine_drinkers_may_not_be_alcoholics
I'm glad that this story has touched a nerve, including with several people who didn't comment but PM's me.
I don't have any idea what's best for any individual. AA, religion, rehab, all of the above. I feel lucky to have managed to stop drinking with very little trouble.
I am aware of potential pitfalls and plan to avoid them.
Thank you all for your continued interest in this post. You are all very groovy people!
For me, staying away from booze is important to keeping my breast cancer from returning or spreading because drinking is a risk factor. I don't know if that's true for you, but I do know that drinking too much is not good for your overall health. You beat cancer--now you are getting really healthy! Congratulations!
Sadly it looks like the ingrained negative habits built around alcohol as a third party in my marriage will blow it up, but I don't drink and have no inclination to drink. But old habits and perceptions die hard.
Here's two jokes for you.
1. The only real downside to being sober is that when you wake up in the morning you know that it is as good as it's going to get.
2. I'm not man enough to handle [in your case] red wine anymore. I wouldn't get into the ring with Mike Tyson, so why should I get into the ring with Red Wine? I am Red Wine's bitch.
Good for you, Roger. Good for you.
Twelve step programs? I feel verklempt. Discuss.
Rated.
I think you nailed the cycle so elegantly and I have a helluva lot of respect for your being able to stick to your March 9 promise.
You must feel fantastic! And deservedly so.
: )
Strangely, I was a person who had the 3-glass limit on work nights, all bets off on the weekends, for years. I joined AA and didn't drink for three years. Decided I wasn't an alcoholic and went back to drinking, but far less. Later, I found out I had a medical condition that alcohol was bad for, so I quit almost entirely, but not quite. I drink as much as I want, which is not much. I have bottles of liquor that are years old. My tipple is cognac, and it takes me six months to finish a bottle.
That convinces me, not that problem drinkers can limit their drinking, but that it's really a matter of your personal biology. What I can't make my friend understand is that I have no judgment of her, I could easily have done the same thing, escalated like she did, except that my body let me off the hook. But for me it was important psychologically to quit entirely for a while to convince myself that I could function socially without it.
Sirenita, Many problem drinkers do end up moderating their intake, but I just don't think I'm wired that way. Actually I do moderate it at times, but not consistently. I'm better without.
Thank you Steve and thanks again all.
Wow, Roger - I was blown away by this piece. Your courage, your words - so raw. And like so many here, it forces me to look at my own habits - ouch. My dad was an alcoholic. And his dad was an alcoholic. And my mom's dad was an alcoholic. And the list goes on.
"But I know better."
Right?
"Right," she said...as she slowly sipped her wine - her first glass of the day, but certainly not her last.