President Obama announced today that between a round of golf and ordering the killing of Osama bin Laden, he discovered a multiuse vaccine that will eradicate all air and blood borne diseases from the planet and at the same time solve the country’s debt crisis.  “Just something I’ve been working on for a few weeks,” the President said. 

Mr. Obama announced that all proceeds from the sale of the vaccine, tentatively named “ObamaCare,” will be used to pay off the nation's growing debt.  In what turned out to be another futile attempt to make Republicans like and respect him, the President also said that once the debt is paid off, all ongoing profits will be used “any way the GOP chooses."

While the President has come to expect tepid responses from Republicans whenever he accomplishes something important, Mr. Obama was stunned by the reaction that this news generated from members of the GOP and conservative pundits.

“If George W. Bush hadn’t banned stem cell research Barack Obama would not have had the need to find these cures, so yes I’d say that most of the credit for this should go to President Bush.”  Michele Bachmann

"Instead of finding a cure for American illnesses like heart disease, cancer, diabetes, or addiction to Oxycontin, Barack Hussien Obama chose to find cures for diseases that disproportionately affect Third World countries with large Muslim populations.  Why am I not surprised?"  Rush Limbaugh

“I’m sure that members of the Luo Tribe will be thrilled to hear the news that one of their own allegedly accomplished something of this magnitude.”  Mike Huckabee

“This is nothing more than a move by the progressive, Marxist, socialist, Cass Sunstein, SEIU, and Muslim Brotherhood wing of the Democrat Party to keep enough poor people alive so that Democrats can destroy America as we know it.  Don't take my word for it.  Do your own homework.”  Glenn Beck

“This ill-conceived move by the President will cost the pharmaceutical industry billions of dollars.  Why does Obama hate big business?  Why does Obama hate America?”  John Boehner

“Elect me and I’ll find cures for much, much bigger, much more important diseases.  I don’t care about malaria.  I’ll find cures for the biggest diseases ever.”  Donald Trump

“Frankly, President Obama’s medical discovery is a job killer.  Are we now going to have to bail out the medical research industry?”  Newt Gingrich

“Good golly, Barack Obama has no right to tell me that I can no longer get the flu.  Who gave him permission to play God?”  Sarah Palin

“Millions of kids, future voters, will never forgive the President for taking away their best excuses for faking sick.  This move will come to haunt the Democrat Party.”  Karl Rove

Mr. Obama has also discovered a brewing process that will cause beer to increase muscle mass and eliminate the need for aerobic exercise, but he won’t release it until John Boehner promises him that the GOP will say something nice about him.

Fat chance.