If Callista Gingrich ever has health problems that are more serious than the occasional dose of the clap that she gets from her philandering husband Newt, she’d better visit both a doctor and a divorce lawyer.

By now everyone has heard the heartwarming story of Newt’s meeting with his first wife Jackie, one day after she had cancer surgery, to discuss the terms of their impending divorce.  (Critics of Gingrich usually fail to point out that out of “tremendous respect” for the mother of his two children, Newt did wait a full day, thereby giving Jackie the opportunity to evaluate his proposal with a clearer head.) 

A lesser-known but very similar story involves the timing of Gingrich’s separation from his second wife, Marianne. 

Gingrich married Marianne Ginther in 1981, shortly after his divorce from the sickly, needy Jackie.  Besides having uterine cancer, another thing that Newt didn't like about Jackie was that “she wasn’t pretty enough to be a First Lady.”  (Apparently the “historian” Mr. Gingrich never saw a photograph of Eleanor Roosevelt.) 

Marianne was (and still is) an attractive woman, someone that Newt would have no doubt referred to as “doable,” but as time went on Marianne would suffer the unspeakable tragedy of turning fifty.

Newt comes from the popular school of thought that “blow jobs ain’t cheatin’” so it’s unknown when, in his mind, he began to be unfaithful to the aging Marianne.  But we do know that Callista Bisek, a 27-year-old House staffer, began screwing Newt around 1993.  (By the way Bisek was born the same year as Gingrich’s youngest daughter, which generated many high-fives from other morbidly obese Congressmen).

The Gingrich/Bisek affair was one of the worst kept secrets in DC, but it wasn’t until Marianne was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis in early 1999 that Newt made the decision that it was time to cut his losses and trade up. 

Gingrich believes that the whole “sickness and health” thing has reasonable limits.  He's perfectly fine with the idea of running down to Rite Aid to pick up Theraflu but the looming possibility of fecal incontinence or even just having to clip Marianne’s toenails was more than the squeamish, self-absorbed former Speaker could take. Newt handled the situation like the world-class prick that he is. 

Faced with the same situation, GOP rival and former front-runner Mitt Romney reacted quite differently.  Romney’s 62-year-old wife Ann, a relic by Newt’s standards, was diagnosed with MS a year before Marianne Gingrich, but unlike the “catch and release” Newt, Romney remained devoted to his ailing wife.  He must have been paying attention during the "sickness and health" part of his wedding ceremony.   

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douchebag  (plural: douchebags)

noun

1.       Syringe used for vaginal cleansing

2.       Newt Gingrich

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So be careful Mrs. Gingrich.  You’re only 45 but to Newt you’re probably starting to look like Old Rose from "Titanic."  Don’t forget that he has more than a few perky-breasted twenty-something staffers that would eagerly shelve their morals (just like you once did) for a shot at fellating a possible future President. 

Newt can afford the face lifts and boob jobs that he demands from you but looks are only a part of his rigid requirements.  Avoiding a major illness is absolutely critical if you want to stay in Newt's good graces. 

So if you suddenly start to experience numbing or tingling, or perhaps a loss of balance or night sweats, get to a doctor right away.  But on the way there, just to be on the safe side, call a divorce lawyer… a good one… because if history repeats itself you’re gonna need one.