No one likes going to the dentist. Its got to be up there with a prostate exam or passing a kidney stone. I had to go yesterday and for some reason my mind was freaking - out about this particular visit .

First off before my visit I awoke from a dream where a psychopathic Demon was stalking me in my apartment.

A great pre curser to any dental visit,

ok time to go.

I brush my teeth with extra zeal,

For some reason no matter how hard I try to brush I always feel like my breath smells like a cesspool by the time I get there.

anyway

I get there early and pass the time by reading"Incredible stories of survival and luck ". Don't ask me why they have a book like this in a dentist office, maybe there trying to prepare you for the worst.

While waiting I read a story about a rock climber that was trapped and was forced to cut his own hand off in order to survive , then there was the club fire in Rhode Island where people where trapped in an-inferno and where escaping with there hair burt off and flesh melting off there faces.There was the guy who jumped from the Golden Gate Bridge and lived , that had a happy ending at least. Then there was the surfer who got her arm bitten off by a shark, and a few more fun pre teeth pulling prep stories .

So by now between the dream and the "Faces of Death" literature I feel like I'm in the movie Clockwork Orange before I even sat down .So finally after waiting there listening to the sound of drilled teeth for 45 minutes they call me in.

I sat down

ok Now I'm looking at machines that look like there strait out of a H.R. Geiger painting , some literally look like anal probing aliens, with that big looming light with the eye in it, man o man. .

 People that have really been through an Alien abduction probably have really bad teeth. I would think walking in there would bring back all these psycho flash backs for these poor souls.

so the assistant walks in and says

" Time to get numbed up",

{ Ok great, can you just hit me over the head with a sledge hammer. I think that would work better for me at this point.}

She asked me if I wanted the T.V. on , which I thought odd. I never had this happen before . So I turn it on and the movie Saw poped on, just kidding, that would of been great though. I turned on CNN .

For some reason everything about this visit was taking an extremely long time. So now I'm waiting listing to Wolf blitzer and his comforting stories of hope and optimism behind a back drop soundscape of drilling bones .

At this point I was seriously considering jumping out the window and running to my car. That would of been a little fucked up so I stayed put.

They finally arrive to pierce my lip with there face numbing joy."It will be just a couple of minutes now ". While waiting for my face to harden for what seemed like another 1/2 an hour I started to think about the book I was reading and what could go wrong while these professional teeth hackers where doing there job.

Hmmm, What if the assistant sneezes and causes him do drill strait into my tongue, that would hurt. 

What if there's a freak earthquake and he drops the drill in my mouth while it's still running.

Hmmm I notice a closet door in the room what if this guys got a prankster kid and he jumps out dressed as Darth Vadder  while he's drilling my scull open just for kicks,

That one would be kind of neat.

What if they messed up the amount of Anastasia they gave me and my head slowly starts turning into rubber.

What if this guy cheated on his wife and to get him back she comes in wielding a flame thrower incinerateing us all on the spot .

At least the police wouldn't have to travel very far to find our dental records to identify us, which would be a positive, 

Just some cute thoughts running through my mind during the interim period.

By now my face felt like Gumby. They come in and switch me to another room. ? I'm like" what's this an Interrogation?, Am I going to be water boarded now? "I NO NOTHING, I SWEAR". It actually went pretty smooth more drilling, hacking, digging, sucking, although at one point I did feel like I was being water boarded when the assistant kept leaving my spit in my throat for to long .The dentist asked me if everything was alright and I answered  "gurgle gur-yes gurgle". I looked up at her threw the Poltergiest light to see what she was doing. She looked like she was studying a fly on the wall. I felt like saying "Hey lady down here please gurgle I'm about to friggin drown over here gurgle, gurgle". She vacuumed my mouth out and I said "YES", they laughed . I guess that was a little on the job dental humor. At one point he used this tool that I don't recall ever feeling before. It sounded like he was using a jack hammer to bust out a piece of concrete in my mouth, that was fun, any way I made it. I left feeling like Numb Gum Mcgraw went home and ate soup.

My mouth is so fucked, I just wish I didn't ingest all those PoP Rocks when I was 12 in the late 70s, all the same Thanks Mr, Dentist.