Dear Me,

It has been a long time since I've communed with you fully. I stuff you full of "treats"...pretzels, cookies, chips...that are not nourishing. I buy you things (jewelry, books, knick-knacks), but these do not satisfy in any lasting way. 

I am living proof of the saying, "You can never… Read full post »

A small update. I have been ill 3 times this winter, with only partial "inter-episode recovery" as they say in my biz. My body is literally shouting at me now that "we are to change direction, or else".  I am so aware at this moment that writing is medicine that my… Read full post »

I return to OS after more than a year, singing the same old tune. The words are slightly different, and the timing has slowed to a dirge. 

I think of writing here quite often, but hesitate for many reasons. Fatigue, for one--the sense that I can't do justice to a subject… Read full post »

I came back here to write for the first time in 6 mos. and discovered that my last post was on unexplainable sadness. Hm-m-m-m...

Today seemed a day when I wanted to write about it, in a place where other humans might see it and understand. I've had tears in my… Read full post »

The light is dim this first day of a new year. The rain has washed the gorgeous snow away.

My dog's muzzle grows whiter all the time. I noticed recently that my long-haired kitty seems to be deaf now. 

 So, we're all growing older and some days are gray. So what. These… Read full post »

In 8 weeks, I will begin sharing my home with the man I love.

No more pure, self-indulgent solitude. Gone the freedom to come in from work and mindlessly throw my briefcase and purse on the floor. I won't feel comfortable going straight to the bed with my laptop and whatever… Read full post »

For so long, wanting to find love, waiting to be loved, thinking only through a man's love would my life begin.

Then work became my All, on its altar I sacrificed my energy and my joy, for how long can you steep yourself in the misery of others without it coloring how you… Read full post »

My Valentine is a purring orange Tabby Boy, who sits patiently, shoulder wedged against my arm, as I type. He wanted to be on my chest, but had he made it up there, I could not have both read posts AND eaten my Snyder's of Hanover Cheeddar Cheese Pretzel Pieces.

Oh,… Read full post »

It's Sunday night and I must go to bed so I can get up early and dictate notes for many therapy sessions (most largely forgotten---which makes dictating case-notes about them somewhat difficult!). But before I do, I'm spending some time floating around my new community, touching down here and there o… Read full post »

"Women have no wilderness in them

  They are provident instead

  Content in the tight, hot cell of their hearts

  To eat dusty bread.

   They do not see cattle cropping red grass

   They do not hear

   Snow water going down under culv… Read full post »

...from too many errors in judgment, too many lonely days and nights.  I haven't yet figured out how to be middle-aged, wise and content.  I have the middle-aged part down, though.

I wonder if other people sometimes feel that the older they get, the less they know. At times I look back… Read full post »

I'm crying in my office right now. In 20 minutes, I have to see the first of four vulnerable clients scheduled for me this afternoon.

And, my relationship is faltering. Great timing.

Sometime it feels so bad to be middle-aged and single, especially having been incredibly short-sighted about retireme… Read full post »

Will it rise and become animate, or lie there and mumble?

 I'm trying to do office paperwork, and everything else in the world beckons. I forget who said that, to a baby, everything is "Blooming, buzzing confusion".  Sometimes it feels that way no matter what your age or stage of  matu… Read full post »

He said, "If I have to grow old, I wouldn't mind it being with you".

Finally finding new love at the age of 53 has been terrifying and exciting and freeing. Dare I speak of having a "boyfriend"? He's boyish in many ways, but he's also been sobered by the reality… Read full post »

the name you had before you had a face?

I think that's a zen koan. At any rate, it's one of those wonderful thoughts that stops the "rational mind" in its tracks.

At the age of 70, my mom began seeing a psychotherapist who was also a Zen Master--lineage holder of… Read full post »

It's too cold to go outside barefoot to let my dog answer nature's call. Doesn't happen often in N.C. !  So I'll let her out, but I'll be staying in today. Reading OS.  Sifting carefully through my millions of belongings in a frantic search for my Mom's diamond ring. My… Read full post »

I just found out Sunday that the brother of an old friend died on New Year's day.  3.a.m., the ceremonial moment, old year out, new year in, 3 hours past.  He was the father of a 6 year old boy, and a young husband. Apparently, the police labeled it as "mis-handling… Read full post »

"I hate fucking Christmas!"

I got some great stuff...before long, I was laughing with all the other bitter malcontents out there. It's so good sometimes just to tell the TRUTH. Flat out, this is how it is for me. This year. This moment.  Somehow, although I feel a great distance away from… Read full post »

Watching someone you love walking away...knowing that (if you do what's best for you) you will never see them again.

Having experienced, all over again, what it's like to talk with him, laugh with him, look into his eyes and having him look into yours...having played the piano for everyone… Read full post »

I share, my friend responds. Sweet, but very short. The time is coming near for our last contact in person. He's already gone on. Soon I will allow myself to know this fully. The absence of contact will help.

Today, while reading about our long, slow good-byes to  beloved pets here on… Read full post »

This can be a grim and gloomy time. For me, this year, it's feeling especially hard to be un-coupled, though I know so many experience pain that is so much worse. If I see one more commercial for diamonds, hear one more jingle-bell, I'm afraid I'll have a Tourette's episode.

Let's… Read full post »

"Wow...best of luck with all of it!"

(the new love, the happy Thanksgiving at her house, meeting her son, commitment to focus on their relationship, blah-blah-blah)

A day later, I'm feeling bereft.  His e-mail to me was chatty, friendly. Mine feels small and mean. He probably won't write back af… Read full post »

Yes, I am a veteran of online dating. Complete with dented helmet, scars, and places that ache when it rains.

And, right now, what feels like a sucking chest wound.

We've known each other about four months. Lots of e-mails. "Dated" briefly, he decided "no" on the dating, but we "kept… Read full post »