Warning: spoilers ahead.

The newly rebranded SyFy Channel's new tagline is "Imagine Greater." I have a pretty good imagination, and I can imagine a better show than the new series, "Warehouse 13".

They got me hooked on the teasers with the promise of C.C.H Pounder, Det. Claudette Wyms of the awesome FX series, "The Shield." The idea of an actress of such gravitas jumping into the Sci-Fi genre sounded like a giant win. But in the two-hour pilot episode, we got maybe four minutes of Pounder. To me, if felt like a bait and switch...but more on that later. 

While I watched "Warehouse 13" last night (yes, I Tivo'ed it and watched it the night after its Tuesday premier), I was actually keeping a list of the great TV shows and movies they had cobbled together to make this jumbled mess. I could nearly hear the SyFy executive staff in their meeting.

"X-Files, that show's been off for more than 10 years. Let's start there."

"Yeah, and how about some DaVinci Code. Everyone loves that stuff."

"National Treasure was cheaper to produce."

"Right, we'll do National Treasure instead. What else?"

"We're SyFy right? All those nerds love Dr. Who. Let's throw some of that in there."

"I don't know, too many aliens. Have you guys heard about this Steampunk movement? Its getting pretty popular. Those Edwardian Balls...They come up with some pretty neat gadgets, mixing the past with the future."

"Gadgets, check."

"How about a guy that looks like David Boreanaz?"

"Sure, the girls love him."

"And a hot chick."

"But of course."

"Where do we put them?"

"Hey, remember that warehouse at the end of 'Raiders of the Lost Ark'?"

With a little more vision, "Warehouse 13" might have been gold. But so far, I'm just seeing a glint of dingy tin. 

I had a sick feeling in my stomach when the pilot started at a museum exhibit opening of ancient art. I couldn't say why, until my boyfriend put his finger on it: the new series was beginning exactly like a terrible movie we'd only made it half way through just a month ago -- "The Last Templar" starring poor Mira Sorvino. What a stinker. 

Myka Bering (Joanne Kelley) and Pete Lattimer (Boreanaz lookalike  Eddie Mcclintock) are Secret Service agents protecting the president at an exhibit of ancient artifacts, including a Mayan head that bites some museum scientist and turns him into a zombie-thing bent on sacrficing a virgin and causing a ruckus. Lattimer takes off with the head, which has somehow started bleeding, while Bering takes on the zombie guy with judo kicks. Somewhere in this confusing opening, they save the President. Oh, and of course the sexual tension is set up right away. They don't like each other. Lattimer is upset because Bering changed the name of "Home Base" to "Magenta." Whatever. 

That night, they are rewarded with a visit from the mysterious Mrs. Frederick (the promised and yet hardly delivered C.C.H Pounder) who tells them separately to meet her in South Dakota the next day and not much else. When they arrive, they find what looks like a deserted warehouse, a cow, and each other. They quibble a bit more and we find out that the Mulder/Scully paradigm is still in place. Lattimer is the believer, Bering is the skeptic. Why mess with that magic?

Enter, Artie Neilsen (the awesome Saul Rubinek, who was fabulous as the writer in Clint Eastwood's masterpiece, "Unforgiven".) See, here's the bait and switch. Rubinek is very good, but I was promised Pounder. I call shenanigans! Not an even trade.

Neilsen brings Bering and Lattimer inside and shows them around his warehouse wonderland, exactly as we see it at the end of "Raiders of the Lost Ark". He calls it "America's attic," and that is an apropriate description. Warehouse 13  includes a car that runs on the electro-magnetic energy of the human body, designed by Edison, a weird kettle that grants wishes, though not the ones you want, Houdini's wallet, which for some reason stows away in Berin's bag on the way to the bed and breakfast that night, a portable Steampunk TV two-way communicator, designed in 1929, and of course Tesla's ray gun. 

Neo Mulder is thrilled. Neo Scully is miffed. Just as expected.

The Secret Service agents then learn that this is their new assignment. They're supposed to be warehouse security guards, and when they get the word from Artie, they're also supposed to go out and find new artifacts to drown in goo and bring back to the warehouse. But of course, it makes perfect sense.

All this time, Neo Skinner (Agent Dickinson, played convincingly by Simon Reynolds -- though I think Mitch Pileggi is available) is trying to find his agents and get them back from the mysterious Mrs. Frederick. Oh yeah, and while he's showing the newbies around, Artie gives us the distinct impression that he and Mrs. Frederick have been guarding the warehouse for a long time, and somehow they don't look a day older than their pictures taken in the 1950s. 

What else? Oh yeah, Lattimer is a recovering alcoholic that likes cookies. Bering has a dead boyfriend she suddenly starts to hear from when she enters the Warehouse. (Add the "Sixth Sense" to the list of influences.)

It's a lot to take in, I know, and I feel bad judging the show on one episode. But as it neared the end of the two-hour pilot, I was feeling the de-ja-vu of "The Last Templar" and fighting the urge to change the channel. I had to force myself to watch the ending I was already guessing.

"Don't look at it Marion!"

And damned if I wasn't right. 

I've been a huge life-long fan of most of the components of this show (X-Files, Raiders of the Lost Ark, Dr. Who) but chopping off parts of these great stories can't Frankenstein a series together. With talent like Pounder and Rubinek attached, I was hoping for something better. It is possible that the show could hit its stride, especially if Pounder is given a bigger role. A series like "Warehouse 13" needs an actor of her gravitas to help us suspend our disbelief. Give her the ball writers, she'll knock it out of the park every time.

I fondly remember watching the pilot episode of the "X-Files" all those years ago. I was hooked after the first show. Not so much with "Warehouse 13".

I know Mulder and Scully. I love Mulder and Scully. (I even forgive them that last terrible movie.) But I'm sorry Lattimer and Bering, you are no Mulder and Scully. Not yet anyway. 

Watch "Warehouse 13" on SyFy Tuesdays 9/8 C.