I guess discretion is not one of my strong suits. Yep, it's definitely not. I'm moderately outspoken, and I would hope that my children are as well. But, that stupid discretion keeps getting in the way. Maybe it's due to the relocation to said region. In the south there is slightly less tolerance for first amendment activists, where, in our former habitat, PacNW, it was celebrated and eagerly anticipated. The most difficult part is candidly speaking your mind in front of children with a pension for repeating your every word in the least appropriate places in the world. I never thought it would hit me squarely in the face. And yet....
Getting the note from the school, Beulah Elementary. (Say it with a drawl and you just about have it)The note would read; "Dear Ms. Rose, please arrange a meeting with me at your earliest convenience regarding Magnolia's extra-curricular education." Shit, here it comes. I transform into a sixth grader instantly. Panic, raging hormones and the thought that I'm in big trouble. I hope I don't get detention.
"Thank you for coming in, good to see you and sorry this is such short notice." Mrs. Nott, Magnolia's first grade teacher says.
"Not at all, I'm glad to touch base once again, is everything all right?" I asked, making myself comfortable in a tiny ass chair.
"I'm afraid that we need to discuss Magnolia's education, that is, the extra-curricular education."
"Extra-curricular? At home?" I strained as I make a quick inventory of the things that I have taught her. Cooking eggs, that's not an educational offense. Makeup? Maybe. How to beat the dog with the shoe he just ate? Hope not. The real meaning behind every bad word uttered in our house? All of the lyrics and dance moves to the Rocky Horror Picture Show?The way Magnolia answers the phone,"Jesus loves you, everyone else thinks your a butthole!" Oh shit, this could get interesting.
"Yes, it appears that she has been misinformed in current world politics. Most directly, in who the president is." An excessively clean, freshly pressed Mrs. Nott tightened up a bit.
" Well Magnolia has been very interested in the election campaigns.I guess we got carried away after the election. Now I know that Obama is not President yet, but we were a little excited." I smiled weakly, in an effort to sell it.
"Yes, unfortunately that is not the issue that we need to discuss today. Magnolia has been mislead as far as the name of our current President."
Light bulb. Fuck. Right now I'm regretting everything that I had ever joked about in this southern landscape and wish I could just melt into a puddle on the grey green carpet and get evaporated by the excessive force of the AC.
"George W. Douche" I muttered, eyes closed. I’m so grounded. This apparently is not the proper etiquette for a soft and gentle southern woman. But I’m a little slow on the intake, and always seem to learn things, not just the hard way, but the painfully embarrassing, farting in Yoga class kind of way. Yep, a little tact would have probably really been useful right now.
"George W. Douche" Mrs. Nott spit out, just barely over the tightly pursed lips.
George W. Douche. So simple, so true. This is a guy, who walked up to Pope Benedict, the largest leader of one of the most prominent religions in the world and said, "Your eminence, you're looking good!" And they wonder why we cringe.
I thought I was being clever, and sometimes I think that I still am, but not in Northwestern Florida; an area that,until recently, lended an answer to the age old question, ‘what makes the red state red?’ I felt just knowing that the freedom of speech was being passed down to my daughter. However a bit of social grace couldn’t hurt.
"Magnolia, in a form of political protest, you have been misled as to the information of who our current national leader is. The pronunciation of his name is George W. Bush." I winced.
"I know, Mom."
"Really?" I'm surprised.
"But you can still call him whatever you want at home, but when you start school, you gotta be cool, got it?"
"Got it." Magnolia said.
"Mom?"
"Yeah, huny?" I asked.
"He's still a douche, though, right?"
"Yes, my baby." I say. "Yes, he is."
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NICE!
Oh, that's rich.
I'm from Gulf Breeze and I think it's a fine pronunciation.
So, tell the teacher it's part of the regional dialect!
(thumbified for proper parenting, every kid needs to know all the words to RHPS)
A car passed them, driving aggressively, and my little tot declaims "asshole!"
My four-year old granddaughter, in innocence because of pronunciation problems calls our next president, "Black Obama."
i bet that's not your worst choke point, either.
but a man who can stand in front of his nation and say: "this attack is not the result of american foreign policy." - that bemused me.
Yeah, you now live in the state that handed GW Douche the Presidency. I know you know that, just saying I still don't get it. I want to know who the twenty-plus percent are that approve of the job he's done. I didn't realize we had that many deaf dumb and blind people in the country. If you really want to have some fun, do the google on the internets and type in Bushisms. There are about two hundred pages of GW butchering the English language in public. It would be even funnier if it weren't so pathetic.
Once again love your work. Keep it up!
PS. I thing Magnolia sounds like a sweetheart. Mrs. Nott a definite Republican. (sore loser)
I think I might just have to adopt Magnolia's phone greeting as my own
He does occasionally ask me why there are words I'm allowed to use that he shouldn't. I've explained to him that cursing like a longshoreman is somewhat like smoking: much easier to start than it is to stop. Quitting takes repeated efforts that will almost invariably lead to a little backsliding here and there (*especially* if Mommy is tired or driving through the first major snowfall of the year).
Parenting comes with inherent challenges (and countless hours of stand-up material).
The teachers don't much like me either and I'm just fine with that.
So sad! As a fellow PNWer, I commiserate about your landing in the land of red. If this had happened in NW, you might have heard about it at the regular teacher parent conference, and the teacher would have laughed and agreed with you.
High accolade from 1_Irritated_Mom! She lives in a similar landscape with a daughter and can give you some tips about being in that "tiny ass chair".
Yeah, more please!