All I know about love, romance and dating I’ve learned from my nine year-old. 

The night before Valentine’s Day, Magnolia wanted to get prepared. She wanted to pick out some “fashionable” clothes, accessories, and makeup. While polishing our nails with “Tangerine Kiss,” Magnolia decided that it was time to teach me about dating. Being the studious and attentive mother that I wish I was, I took notes. 

Here is a selection of Guru Magnolia’s tips for dating, love, and Valentine's Day.

How to talk to boys:

“If you are desperate, just walk up to him and say, “hi!” However, if you are not desperate, you should ignore him a little. This makes him want to talk to you.” 

Then there is a point that you begin to talk to him.  “The best way to talk to a boy is to exploid them with big, beautiful words, like, “Oh, I was wearing this elegant dress to school. It was very turquoise-ish.” 

(Also, if you speak a different language to them, it’s very good. Magnolia told me that she talks a lot about eating “beignets” in New Orleans. Sounds exotic, doesn't it? Aren't you intrigued?)

The Guru says there are some words that you should use in lieu of others. “Loo,” for instance, should be used instead of “bathroom.” Why? 

“Because it’s more proper, and you’re not all trashy or boyish.”

Playing hard to get: 

“A girl should give boys lots of ignorements during recess...That gets the boy to want to hang out with you. You should say you have better things to do. Like, when a boy says, ‘Hey! Wanna dig up some worms?’ you should say, ‘No, I have better things to do.’ Then he will say, ‘What’s better than digging up worms?’ and you say, ‘I’m going to play Red Rover.’ Then he will come with you to play Red Rover and you can hold his hand.” 

How to “be” around boys:

“If you like him, you should act weird around him. You should giggle a lot, laugh, and flip your hair. When you giggle, it gives off a loud noise, that draws a boy’s attention. They have to look at you. Also, if a boy is talking and you don’t want to listen, you can just giggle a lot and it’s okay.

“Flipping your hair--it just looks stylish, and is gets your hair-do back in order.

“You should wear normal clothes. Neon, mostly. You shouldn't wear shiny earrings because you might blind the boy. You should wear blush and lip gloss. And you should make up a new walk and walk a lot in front of them with your new walk.” 

Valentines that say, “I like you”:

“If a boy gives you a Valentine that says, ‘Be Mine,’ or ‘You’re Doggone Cute,’ he might like you. But really, it’s all about how they write your name on the Valentine. If he has good handwriting naturally, then he may or may not like you if it’s neat. BUT if he writes your name in a very pretty way that’s got beautiful swirls and hearts, he likes you. A LOT. Usually, if they sign the Valentine as a ‘Secret Admirer,’ they love you.” 

This experience proved that, once again, children have an understanding of the world that we as adults cannot fully comprehend. How did my little pre-tween vixen come to these astounding and well thought-out conclusions? I dunno. Maybe life in the jungle is more similar to life on the jungle-gym than we thought. 

“Love can change a raven into a swan. Love is the wind beneath a swan’s wings and makes them fly. Love is a mystery....and a gift.”

-Magnolia, age 9