In less than a month I will have two years of continuous sobriety. Since arriving on the doorsteps of treatment in August of 2009, I have gotten drunk one time. I managed to slip up on my first trip home to Maryland for Christmas that year, reaching a new emotional bottom right before New Year’s Eve, but I promptly pulled myself up as I headed back to Minnesota. Determined to step out of the shadows of my past, I got honest with the recovery community in St. Paul. I finally decided to make an effort let go of all those things that I thought defined who I was, and the results were brilliant.
I wrestled with all the issues that someone in early recovery battles. From questioning my idea of God, to forming relationships, to simply learning how to have fun without drink or drug, and I often found myself surrounded by darker shadows than ever. Willingness came and went like an appetite. I would motor along for a while, doing things that were suggested of me, until finally I felt whole enough to not need to ask for help any more, and then I would slide into a deeper spiritual pain than ever before. I questioned everything. But that’s just how I learned, and slowly I began to believe that this life was meant for me.
So here I sit, nearly two years after my relapse, a Friday night, 24 years old, doing laundry. I’m struggling. I’m lost. I’m questioning why after all this time, all of these ‘right’ actions, I still feel so unsure of who I am. Why do I still carry co-dependent tendencies and not have more faith in myself? What are my values? Sometimes I think that the only thing differing in my life today is that back when I was drinking I would ride the roller coaster built by alcohol and all its escapades, whereas today that same ride still exists except it is powered by my emotional state, which often makes for a much more volatile consciousness.
I’ve heard that the 20s are tough on everyone. I don’t doubt that. For me, the 20s seem to be a time to live and learn. It is during this point in my life that I will develop most of the values for which I search. These experiences cannot be forced, they just happen. But knowing this doesn’t make it any easier. And being on the fresh end of the spectrum in the recovery community makes nights like these tough.
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Comments
"I think that the only thing differing in my life today is that back when I was drinking I would ride the roller coaster built by alcohol and all its escapades, whereas today that same ride still exists except it is powered by my emotional state, which often makes for a much more volatile consciousness. "
I agree, but I don't quite understand what you mean by "volatile" consciousness. Perhaps I see the kind of consciousness you describe not as "fleeting", but more "sagacious".
Keep up the excellent work and have a very happy, safe, and sober holiday.
R♥
I hope that each time you'll get out of the car and find a beautiful grassy field that invites you to roll around in it, or a beach that asks you to walk in its sand, or that you park in front of a big tree that invites you to climb up!
signed,
your 57 year old sober friend
To answer your the questions in your third paragraph, it is because you are human (study my screen name and let me know if it means anything to you) . I have been sober a little over 23 years, and guess what? I still have those questions. Maybe, I'm just a slow learner.
If you ever need to talk, you know where to find me.
It is foggy here now and cold but not as much as it must in your half of the world. Looking forward to Christmas I hope and plenty of good blogging? c ya around.
Everyone has their path and yours unfortunately takes you on a battle with alcohol, but you have faced your demons and gotten the help that you needed. Looking back on mistakes can be a way of learning from them, but can often take all the joy out living life in the present. You should be proud of what you have accomplished!
I hope that you can move ahead and see what life has in store which I am sure is full of wonderful adventures.
You said, "I finally decided to make an effort let go of all those things that I thought defined who I was, and the results were brilliant." Try to remember what those things were. Try to remember what has worked. Do the things that worked. Don't focus on the things that didn't or what you perceive are the things you don't have. Focus on the positive.
As I said in the PM, find an AA group on a campus where there are other young people like yourself. You are not alone! This culture is so f...ked up with its emphasis on drugs and alcohol which are bullshit anyway. You know that. I know that.
Read my pm and feel free to contact me. And guess what, despite where you are, and because of who you are, you inspire me.
I really appreciate what everyone had to say. I really want to embrace the opportunity I have now to seek out these new experiences. That way, I will have something to write about when I come back to see you guys!!!
Keep fighting, Ben. You will likely have many more good years than Grandpa had left and you have so much talent to offer a world that desperately needs it. Dedicate your life to making a difference in the world in whichever way you choose. It can be done and I believe you are one who can pull it off. Hang in there.
Lezlie
Secondly, as someone at the tail-end of my twenties, what you express here, all the uncertainty - is absolutely okay and normal. I felt the same way as I hit the middle of my second decade on this earth. You will come out of it. Just keep living life and learning from it.
Congratulations and continued luck to you!