Many addicts and alcoholics speak of using their drug of choice to fill some sort of void. I don't pretend to know why I drank and drugged the way I did, because if I was able to figure that out, then presumably I would be able to fix it. And that would pose all sorts of problems. So I choose to remain a happy alcoholic.
The thing is, if my substance abuse was a sort of catastrophic attempt to rid myself of this spiritual or emotional emptiness, what do I do to make myself whole again? How do I rid myself of perpetual self-loathing and doubt?
All I have learned in my journey through sobriety is that the answer does not live in one place. I won't find it at the bottom of my Christmas tree. It doesn't have blonde hair and long legs (excluding Taylor Swift). And it certainly doesn't exist on television. To my own dismay, I was brought into this world just like the other 7 billion people on this planet, and knowing that reality, I have to choose faith.
But faith isn't always enough for me. Knowing that there is a plan for me can't be a crutch, but rather, a motivating factor to seek out new people and experiences that bring me closer to my path.
Experiences like discovering my passion for writing. Allowing myself to feel real feelings for the first time. Forming relationships and being ok with letting them go. Understanding how to love my parents. Working full time and going to school. Doing yoga, especially when it's the last thing I want to do.
These experiences, and many more, are all driven by the gift of awareness and compose the fibers of what fills my emptiness today.
As I lay in bed, early this Saturday morning, I am struck by the staggering transformations that have taken place in my life over the last 2 years. It's hard not to have faith when I remember that I'm not alone.