Ben Russell

Ben Russell
Location
St Paul, Minnesota,
Birthday
October 02
Bio
armed with weapons of mass procrastination.

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Salon.com
MARCH 25, 2012 11:23PM

I'm no good for me

Rate: 4 Flag

Two days ago, I rolled my ankle playing basketball.  My immediate reaction was, fuck!  Not so much in the sense that it hurt, but more in regards to how it was going to alter my plans.  Spraining my ankle wasn’t on my agenda.  That being said, in the minutes following the initial gut reaction, corrupted thoughts started entering my brain:

                        I can totally get pain meds.

                        I can totally milk this.

                        I hope this creates a lot of pity for me.

These were real thoughts that lingered in my mind just minutes after the injury.  Two days later, they’re still here.  I spent the entire day swimming in them.  The good news is, I didn’t act on them.

Even though my day didn’t go as I had hoped, maybe that’s not such a bad thing.  My old habits would have taken me straight to the doctor, where he or she would have run me through the standard “On a scale of 1-10, how does this feel?  And how about when I do this?”  I would have responded with references in the 6-8 range, as my thinking would convince me that answering a 10 on the pain scale would seem too high to be true.  Most likely, because of the actually swelling and bruising around my ankle, I would have left the office with a prescription for between 10-15 Hydrocodone pills.  The rest of the day, I would have been sitting on the couch, totally in my head about how I manipulated the doctor and justified my own relapse. 

Sane thinking, right? 

Lying in bed right now, I am considering whether or not I want to use this injury to my advantage at work tomorrow.  Sure, I have to be on my feet all day, and it’s probably not in my best interest to push myself too hard, but when did dishonesty become one of the side effects of a sprained ankle?  It’s funny how such a random, uncontrollable act can thrust me back to my default character settings.  Hopefully, in sharing this, I can show up tomorrow for my co-workers, honest, and in the moment.  After all, my plans haven’t always been in my best interest.

Author tags:

addiction, recovery, pain

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Comments

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If you are not good for yourself, it sounds like you are very close to being so.
I've not always been good for me, either, but I've learned to be. The pain meds are a tough call. It will take longer to heal if you are in pain. You could ask for a med you've never abused, and have someone you trust half or quarter them for you, and keep the bottle with them.
You should probably stay off that ankle for a day or two if you can afford to miss work.
Diary of a guy staying strong. I like it.

Thanks!
We all suck, because we're human. Bundles of contradictions, needing, wanting, trying to do good, trying to avoid bad, struggling to make sense out of a very complicated Universe we didn't ask to be part of be we are irreversibly committed to. Impulses! Where do they come from? Where do they go? Welcome to the insane asylum! :)
Ben,I almost hate myself..But I must have me..Sometimes..I am just no good ..although good...Thank you for sharing..Best regards.
Sane thinking..a wish...
There are some really good NSAID pain relievers; my favorite is nabumetone. Totally non-addictive. Talk to your doc. And tell this person about your addiction so they don't offer you narcotics in the future.

You really sound like you're on the right track.

And take care of that ankle. You don't want a chronic injury out of it.
Thank you all for reading and commenting...things are on the up and up for my ankle and my spirits. I owe you all more than I can give.