We all know that the zombie apocalypse is coming.  It’s no longer fiction; in fact, huge movie studios have been releasing tonnes of instructional videos on how to survive the impending threat. Some examples include Dawn of the Dead, Shawn of the Dead, and 28 Days Later. No matter how great these movies have been with instructional advice on how to survive the zombie apocalypse, they lack a solid list of utilities.

Starting with the obvious, if you don’t have a shotgun, you are going to die.  Plain and simple, the shotgun will get you through almost all of your zombie encounters.  Be certain that there will be instances where you will be completely surrounded by brain hungry zombies and your grandpa’s 12-guage just isn’t going to cut it. My choice for a shotgun would be the reliable Benelli for a few reasons.  The Benelli auto-loading shotguns use an inertia system rather than a gas one to operate.  This means you won’t have to carry around gas cartridges or deal with the complications produced by the traditional auto-loading systems. They fire a shell up to 3.5” so from a distance, you can be maximizing your zombie killing by taking out maybe five at a time.  The one downside of this shotgun is the safety behind the trigger; you won’t be needing that. Plus you’re going to need somewhere to store the incredible amount of ammunition you’re going to unloading into the unsuspecting undead. For that you will require a:

 Monster Truck. Yeah that’s right. I’ve consorted with my friends and used logic to all my extent of its understanding but the monster truck always seems to come out on top.  You may think a tank is a better choice here but you would be wrong. Granted, both will be incredible for driving over mountains of the dead zombies you will undoubtedly be killing, but zombies can climb onto tanks; getting into a monster truck is much more difficult. Shooting your shotgun down at the zombies almost ensures you will hit them right in the noggin and split their proverbial wigs with ease. It also boasts absolutely incredible storage space for all your goods required to survive the apocalypse. It will also have the ability to drive over obstacles that would render a normal vehicle useless. If there’s a river in the way, you drive through it, mountain of dead bodies, drive over it, pile of smashed cars caused by the zombie onslaught, take a run at them and do a very impressive jump over them. The only thing I can think of that might stop a monster truck is a tunnel. You should map out a route that doesn’t include tunnels because getting stuck is a bad idea.

Let’s face facts here people.  If you want to survive a zombie apocalypse, you’re going to need a chainsaw.  There are going to be instances where you will have to leave the comfort of your monster truck to flip a switch or open a door and if I know anything about zombie movies, you are going to run out of ammo.  This is where your trusty chainsaw will come in quite nicely.  I would recommend going for a top of the line, industrial chainsaw like the Husqvarna 3120 XP because during an apocalypse, price doesn’t matter.  You may think that you’ll want a lighter chainsaw for ease of use but I’d rather be quick than nimble.  When you’ve got an 8.4 horsepower chainsaw with anti-vibration technology, a three-piece crankshaft and magnesium crankcase, you’re basically sure the thing isn’t going to explode while you are cutting off zombie number 598’s head.  That would be a disaster. You need professional products to do a professional job. Picturing myself wielding the chainsaw getting blood splattered all over me made me think that I would definitely need some protection from the infected zombie blood.

Protective goggles are going to be a must because you are going to have to face zombies close range and it is going to get messy.  Remember in 28 Days Later when the guy looks up and the drop of blood falls in his eye rendering him zombified? Well it happened and far too often to movie producers forget to include appropriate zombie slaying eyewear.  Again, you’re going to want to find yourself a professional set of goggles with full eye coverage.  Make sure that you make it difficult for liquids to get into your eyes because that is the whole point here.  Also, it is integral that you get a pair of goggles with an elastic strap.  You are going to be quite active in your zombie killing; jumping over boxes, military rolls, dodging bite thrusts, firing shotguns, all while trying to start your chainsaw.  Therefore, it is integral that your eye protection remains on your face.  I would choose a product like the Wiley X SG-1 V-CUT Tactical Goggles.  They will improve your vision and still meet all of my above requirements with ease, plus they have that radical name that is just all capital letters followed by dashes and numbers. Credibility.  Just smash the glass that they’re behind at the Wal Mart with the butt of your shotgun. FREE.

Oh, while you’re there, pick up a 3M Respirator so you don’t inhale the virus, should it be airborne. It’s also a real helper when it prevents blood from splattering in your mouth.  I really can’t stress how much blood there’s going to be.  You might want to look at the “Survivair PREMIER S-Series Halfmask” from 3M.  It’s environmentally friendly, not that that matters much anymore that basically everyone’s dead, err… undead.  You could totally go full out master chief if you want with a “3M Powered Air Purifying Respirator”. While it may be a bit overboard, you can really put your Halo skills to test here.  This isn’t a must, but check for hasmat suits before you leave. Might be nice to not be in blood soaked clothes at the end of the fight.

The odds are that you are going to get hurt.  Hopefully you just trip over something while firing your shotgun into a crowd of the undead walking backwards. Hopefully they didn’t get you while you were down.  The first aid kit I’m about to suggest you bring won’t save you.  So you should get a first aid kit. If you get a broken arm and you can find a splint, you are going to die because you can no longer wield your shotgun and chainsaw simultaneously. Bet you feel like a loser now.

This next one’s kind of just a pleasure thing, or so you think it is, until you get good at using it.  You’re going to be running through backyards and jumping over fences. Don’t ask why, it is just going to happen. You’re going to be running through some nerd’s house, not unlike mine, and see a very fine katana on the mantle. I mean, who’s not going to pretend they’re a ninja when the finally have the opportunity.  Those things are made to cut through spines too so you won’t have any problem lopping heads off for the next few days.  I bet you could chop off hundreds of zombie heads with a good katana and still have it be just as sharp as when you started.  Almost forgot: there’s going to be a lot more blood here.

Odds are that you are going to be fighting for a few days before you find any survivors.  In some cases, you might have to wait for months to be rescued or find somebody else to rescue so food is going to be a necessity. The best-case scenario is knowing where to find a military surplus or hunting store.  You could stop by there for some of the aforementioned requirements too.  I recommend you get a months supply of the lightest military style rations you can find.  You are going to need to be ingesting lots and lots of calories to keep yourself energized for all the action you’re going to be facing.  This is another thing most often overlooked by the film writers and producers.  The heroes of the movies should be covered in sweat and blood from all the hard work they’re doing.  It’s not like it’s easy work running for your life from killer undead zombies whilst shooting at them with an extremely large shotgun and chopping off as many heads as you can with a katana.  I just don’t know how they expect me to believe this is going to be a cakewalk.  You’re not going to be rescued in the first couple days; the authorities have bigger fish to fry right now and you’re going to be fighting for yourself for a while. You’ll have to remember to make time for the important things like climbing up in your monster truck, heading out into the bed and munching down on some astronaut food.  Granted, it will be pretty easy to forget that you’re hungry, what with all the massacring, but that doesn’t mean you should neglect your tummy! Imagine if you got eaten alive by flesh eating mutations just because you had hunger pains. Pathetic!

I don’t drink the stuff because I truly believe it will cause heart problems for its users, but you are definitely going to need a whole buttload of Red Bull.  I don’t care what you use but you need an energy drink to slam back if you can’t sit down for a meal and Red Bull seems to have the most extreme sports teams.  If that doesn’t ensure their greatness I don’t know what does.  I think it would be great product placement if you could insert a utility belt of sorts loaded with cans of Red Bull into the next big zombie movie.  I can just imagine our hero walking through crowds of zombies slicing their heads off skillfully with one hand while cracking open and pounding back a Red Bull with the other. It sounds like an ad campaign if nothing else. 

Finally, now that you’ve attained almost everything you need, you are going to have to find a CB radio.  Get it powered and set up the antenna on your monster truck; its height should make it incredible for transmitting a signal. You’re going to want to hit channel 9 first.  It was designated the emergency channel in 1969 and there should still be some action on it if there’s still anybody left alive. I wouldn’t necessarily give up if nothing was on channel 9, keep going through there.  If you see a police scanner while you’re picking up your CB, that’s going to be much more helpful but not a requirement.  Honestly, in a world wide zombie apocalypse situation, police are going to be sent in with incredible amounts of ammunition and ordered to just unload on everything they see moving.  If you are in their sights, they will shoot you too because they aren’t going to be taking any chances.  Soldiers are not people, they are machines following orders and are completely devoid of any human emotion.  It would be a good idea to stay clear of police if you hear them on the scanner and maybe pick up some hints as to where they’ve already cleared; it will be safer in these areas. Lastly, there is still a chance that you will find a distressed and sexy man/woman willing to get down. CB radio is the original eHarmony.

So, now that you’ve got your shotgun, monster truck, chainsaw, goggles, respirator, first aid kit, katana, rations, Red Bull, and a CB radio your odds of surviving the impending zombie apocalypse have gone from maybe 2% all the way up to 14%. You’re looking pretty good here.  What, you thought it was going to be higher? Come on, I basically made it seven times more likely that you would survive.  I mean we are talking about literally millions of zombies versus you.  You’re probably going to die. You have to face facts now because it will be too late when it happens.  Anyways, best of luck and good zombie hunting!