I am very grateful.  This time with B has been so hard, for both me and for him.  But I see how it has worked for the good. 

I have thought of several of the men I have dated in my past.  I have briefly thought about perhaps contacting them;

menopause plus facing the past
at the same time
feels like death
over and over

maybe it is meant to be death  and by fighting it
i only hold on to something someone that should be dead

i felt stupid last night
by some comment b said

it is irrelevant what his intention is
god is working

• That was very helpful to write all that junk down about my dad.  Some things were new memories that I had pushed under.
• One of the most enlightening results was reading the words that I had written to describe exactly what I was feeling as I experienced each memory. 

having a hard time controlling my sadness right now    i don't know how to hug myself and make myself feel like somebody is strong enough to care without being mad at me for my sadness   i feel like i am going to have a stroke what is wrong with me