Producer (V.O.)

So what’s going on you two? You seem very energetic. What’s the big announcement?

Oh god, where to start? I don’t know. Eric, ah, I mean Jon, you want to help me out here?

JON

Sure Laura, I mean Kate, ha ha. Okay, here’s the big news. Ready America? The show is scripted.

Producer (V.O.)

Come on guys, I think everyone pretty much knew that.

JON

No, like, I mean it’s really scripted, like a regular show. We’re reading off a script right now. You’re reading off a script.

PRODUCER (V.O.)

I know.

KATE

Yeah, everything you see, and I mean everything, is scripted. Kid pukes? Scripted. My type A personality? Scripted.  All of it. We’ve got some awesome writers by the way.

PRODUCER (V.O.)

So that would mean you guys are...Actors?

LAURA

Bingo! You got it. The secret’s out. By the way, my real name is Laura Crenshaw.  If anyone’s interested you can find me on IMDB. Oh, and I’m repped by Dan Foley at I.C.M. Eric?

ERIC

Thanks Laura. God it feels good to say that. Yeah, ahm, all you directors out there, you can contact me through Walter Cox with C.A.A.

PRODUCER (V.O.)

Would people have seen you guys in anything else?

LAURA

Mr. Modest over here won’t tell you, but you ever hear of a little movie called Titanic? He was the lead.

PRODUCER (V.O.)

But I thought...

ERIC

Laura, you don’t have to...

LAURA

No Eric, people should know. It wasn’t Leo, he bailed at the last minute. Couple of phone calls, a little makeup and some innovative lighting, and presto. But I’ll give the devil his due, Leo’s got some crazy good agents and kept his name above the title. Cameron knew what Eric could do from working with him on The Abyss. Two words: Ed Harris. Look closely.  I’ll leave it at that.

ERIC

Thanks Laura. But don’t sell yourself short. You probably couldn’t have gone to a Broadway show in the ‘97 season without seeing this little lady, she was all over the place. People don’t know this, but she can sing and dance like there’s no tomorrow.

LAURA

Aw Eric, that’s so sweet.

PRODUCER (V.O.)

But the kids, what about the kids?

ERIC

Laura? You’re up.

LAURA

Well, this is probably going to surprise some people, but here goes. Animatronics. That and some cutting edge CGI. And let me throw a shout out to our wonderful special effects guys, Tommy, Jason, Billy and Kenny. I don’t think a one of them is over twenty-five. They can do stuff with computers that would blow you away.  I can barely do email.  Amazing work, just amazing.

ERIC

And speaking of amazing work, in my opinion it was really Laura here who sold it. You wouldn’t believe how prickly the electronics are in those things, the littlest glitch can really screw up a moment, especially for someone like Laura who is an absolute Method genius.

LAURA

Don’t sell yourself short Eric. This guy can work a blue screen like nobody’s business, and that’s what we mostly had to use for those outdoor shots, which was pretty much Eric’s domain. It’s pretty tough to pick up a kid who isn’t there, but Eric made it real.

ERIC

And isn’t it mind-boggling how real those kids seemed? Maddie? Come on! Talk about emotional range. Next to Laura’s performance, and I know this is going to sound weird because she’s a computer generated half-robot--Maddie, not Laura--I mean Kate!  See how confusing it is?  But seriously, I think Maddie, or Zoldar as she was known on the set, was simply perfection. I mean, there were times there she got so under my skin that I had to leave the set to refocus and find my chakra. Robot can act.

LAURA

I couldn’t have said it better myself Eric.  Zoldar equals Perfection.

ERIC

But I’ll tell ya, Laura had to put up with a lot as an actor. You know the intro, where she rolls over and her belly looks like the second coming of Jabba the Hut? That sequence, on screen for all of about three seconds, probably took, what, thirty hours to put together?

LAURA

Closer to fifty-five.

ERIC

Fifty-five! Incredible! Does that include the stuntwoman?

LAURA

No, that was another fifteen hours. That belly was a bitch to swing around, all coated in that greasy oily crap. I couldn’t get ahold of it, so they brought in the pro. Gotta give her props, my homegirl Annie Fulton. Got my workout from her.

ERIC

Yeah, you know those paparazzi beach photos of Laura, well Kate, looking all slim and hot and cougarish? That’s from Annie’s workout. Lot’s of pilates, right Laura?

LAURA

Ohmigod, pilates, the bain of my existence. At least now I can get back to the Hagen Dazs, ha ha. Speaking of paparazzi, normally I hate those bottom-feeding little twits. But let me tell you, we couldn’t have sold that last chapter, you know, all the marriage drama, the Virginia Woolf vibe we had going on, without those worthless slugs trailing us. And the best part? They were unwitting accomplices, didn’t have a clue they were helping us to get the best ratings ever.

PRODUCER (V.O)

Eric, who was the girl in the car, in the tabloids?

ERIC

Little lady we found through an open audition, Sara Weller’s her name.

LAURA

Eric?...you have something to add?

ERIC

What? Oh yeah, okay. Sara and I have been going out for awhile.

 LAURA

This is so funny. After the shoot where they left that bar and got in Eric’s car and the paparazzi did their thing, Eric and Sara started dating. It was only supposed to be the one scene in the car, but the producers decided, brilliantly I might add, that it should be permanently written into the show, a very strange melding of reality-acting-reality, or is it acting-reality-acting? Anyway, really cutting edge, out of the box thinking.

ERIC

Then it when it really blew up and the ratings went through the roof it was decided that it would make a great way to end the show. Will they or won’t they stay together? What about the kids? Will Kate kill one of the dogs? Will Zoldar, er, Maddie, have a nervous breakdown? But now the producers feel the drama, as interesting and profitable as it has been, has run it’s course. Don’t feel bad for us though, Laura has just been signed to a talk show deal on ABC, and I’m finally able to get back to my muse, the theatre.

PRODUCER (V.O.)

Anthing else?

LAURA

Yes. Thanks America, we love you!

ERIC

Definitely. Thanks America, it’s been real, ha ha.