Padma Colicchio?

You call this amuse bouche?—more like amuse buffet.

Why do I always have to do the cooking?

I don’t want to eat this I don’t want to eat this I don’t want to eat…

That’s what she said hee hee.

Salt.   Way more salt.

Gay guys think I’m hot, but why do I have to be a Bear?  Why can’t I be a tiger?  Or a Lion?  Roooaaarrr!

Call McDonald’s back about Chicken Cordon Colicchio dish.

Maybe I should let my hair grow.  Then I’d be a lion.  Roooaaarrr!

Tom Lakshmi?

The little Brit twit ain't gonna steal my bald mojo.

Oooh, I’m Anthony Bourdain, look how cool and hip I am, I eat shit from a shell and travel the world smoking Marlboro Reds.

Hot-hot-hot-hot! Water-water-water-water!

This guy can bake!  Oh shit, did I leave the oven on?

Eggs?  Milk?…Crap, where’d I leave that list?

Why’s it called Bravo?

Padma and Tom, sittin’ in a tree…

I got yer Chopped hanging Ted Allen.  Chop dis ‘ere Allen.

I wonder if these lights make my head shine?

Ideas for new shows: Top Tom, Cooking With Colicchio, Cooking With The Big C, Tom and Padma Get Smokin’, The Real Chefs Of New York City, Anthony Bourdain Sucks.

Gay porn name?  Top Tom.

Straight porn name?  Tom Lakshmi.

Ted and Anthony, sittin’ in a tree…hee hee

Things to do tonight: Wait outside Padma’s apartment until she comes to the realization that we were meant to be together for all of eternity; Pick up wife’s dry-cleaning; Call Padma with work question, then get her to pledge her undying love to the Tominator.

Things I can never, ever reveal: I use the Betty Crocker Cookbook; I go to Anthony’s restaurant in a wig and fake beard and devour the mushroom soup; I wait outside Padma’s apartment until she comes to the realization that we’re meant to be together for all of eternity; I pick up my wife’s dry-cleaning; Inside I’m still that frightened little boy from grade school.