I am SO lucky to be moving to Iowa!

Yup!  Lucky, lucky me!  I get to leave the horrid sunny beaches and nasty old mountains of Southern California for the fertile, flat fields of Iowa!  Yeah, lots and lots of flat fields… 

Soon, not only lots and lots and lots and lots of fertile, flat assed fields, but all the solitude I could ever want will surround me!  No more of those pesky shopping centers full of named brand store right around the corner…  NO!  Instead, I will have solitude and a freak’in Wal-Mart just a quick 30 miles away from our pretty farmhouse in the middle of those stupid freak’in flat assed fields.  No more rushing the kids to their choice of dozens of activities or dashing up to the mountains to go skiing for the weekend…  nope, none of that silly stuff.

Not that I’ll NEED those fancy name brand stores…  I’m sure the local Wal-Mart carries everything I’ll need for a fun filled evening of culture, attending the Des Moines Opera House or the Mount Ayr Symphony Orchestra!  Not to mention clubbing at all of the smoking lesbian bars that must be all over Ottumwa.

Iowa is one of the progressive states that allow gays to marry now, even if it did take a decision by the Iowa Supreme court.  I’m sure that we’ll have NO problems integrating our little lesbian run family into the day-to-day doings there.  Shucks, the kids first day will be a breeze… identical twin girls… from California… with two moms… not gonna be any issues there! No siree, I’m sure Midwest farm kids in the second grade will accept them right off!

Heck, I’m sure we will be welcome as all get out at the Monthly Dance down at the Grange Hall.  Them old bib overall wearing farmers won’t have ANY problem with a butch dyke sashaying around the floor with her cute little lipstick lesbian partner with her blonde dreadlocks.  Gee, I hope I remember how to square dance! 

[/major sarcasm mode]

Oh, crap!  This whole thing scares the daylights out of me.  The only thing that I can hang onto is that all three of the women in my life are doing this for me.  You see, I’ve been diagnosed with MS.  My symptoms are pretty much under control, at the moment (if you don’t count walking very well), but it is a progressive disease they tell us so the fun is just starting.  That’s why we sold our beautiful house (with the pool that I will miss more than anything), cashed in a bunch of investments and bought a freak’in farm.  We (by we I mean I agreed after Amy had already done it) chose to buy a farm because leasing the fields to the local farmers generates enough income that Amy can now stay at home and care for me.  She’ll also be running her financial management business, but her clientele will be greatly reduced so that she won’t need a staff anymore.  See, it’s all planned out…  Easy… peaseee…

Because I am an ungrateful bitch, I’m not appreciating everything they are doing for me.  Amy and I were born just one state over.  I know those people and that kind of life.  I spent the first 19 years of my life on a farm (with plans of NEVER going back once I escaped).  Now, not only am I going back, but I’m going back with a nontraditional family to a WAY tradition area.  I am allowing my children to catch unending crap from their peers.  Hell, I remember how this one girl from Chicago got ragged on by everybody for all four years of high school because she was from the “Big City”. 

I know I have mobility problems right now and that it is probably going to get worse.  I also know that the lifestyle and solitude will help ease some of the pain I do / will have.  I know that Amy and my kids are doing this all for my benefit and because they love me.  Nonetheless, it is going to be hard for me to do this and even harder on my family.  But, we WILL do it and I WILL make it work.  I owe it to the valiant women I call spouse and daughters.   

So kindly disregard the gun, which will be held to my head, when we get in the car to leave…

P.S.  We also are going to talk, on the way there, about a little rumor I heard about a promise to a couple of kids about getting their own ponies once we're settled.  ahem...