It's a Safe_Bet...

Safe_Bet's Loving Spouse and Our Kid's Mom...

Safe_Bet's Amy

Safe_Bet's Amy
Location
In my own little hell, Alaska,
Birthday
June 06
Bio
Missing her while trying to be as good a mom as she was.

MY RECENT POSTS

JANUARY 3, 2010 10:57AM

Welcome to my Eulogy

Rate: 39 Flag

Welcome to my eulogy. 

Everybody dies sooner or later.  I’m guessing I will be one of the sooner ones.   

I’ve always detested most eulogies.  They never seemed to match what the person REALLY was like and how they TRULY thought.  I’m going to keep that from happening to me.  That’s why I decided to start writing down my thoughts, feeling and random comments over the next months. 

You see, last May, I was skipping through my house, splashing with my kids in the pool and raising hell.  In June, I had my first major symptoms of Marburg's Variant of Multiple Sclerosis.  My doctors tell me that I’m “special” cuz not many people have such an aggressive type of MS.  Lucky me. 

By October, I was using two canes to successful move around.  We had moved from California in August so that Amy and I could be legally married and so she could make any required spousal decisions.  She is so cool and good at that stuff.  Like I said, I’m lucky. 

Anyways, welcome to my ramblings.  My hope is that someday, Amy and my darling girls will be able to read this and maybe know their mommy and lover a little better. You are welcome to come along on my wanderings if you wish…

 ***** 

Today, I finally admitted to myself that I would have to exclusively use the way cool “racing” wheelchair that I got for Christmas…  so yeah, I’m pretty depressed today.  I often try to expunge my depression by writing poetry.  Most of my stuff sucks and is pretty somber because of this.   

I’m not even sure that I WOULD call this a poem, but it was in my head and now it’s not:

 

  

woman_in_wheelchair_on_beach_web

 

 Lies No One Believes 

“Mommy always cries when she’s happy”

smiles : pain

*Mommy’s legs aren’t hurting so bad today* 

 

“No, I’m fine here”

jealousy : family

*Come on kids, mommy wants to rest* 

 

“That was fun; let’s go again”

wheelchair : shame

*You like it when I push you, don’t you mommy* 

 

“I want you tonight, baby”

wishes  : needs

*You still make me hot, ya know* 

 

“I’ll kick your ass if you do!”

worthless : worthy

*Bring it, bitch!* 

 

“Oh, yeah…  that’s who it was”

uncertainty : memories

*Of course, you remember them…*

 

The lies we tell ourselves; that we tell each other;

that we tell the world.

The lies that attempt to hide, while highlighting,

our own mortality. 

   ***** 

Through the window I watch my children and spouse trying to make snowballs -  unable to join them, no longer able to skip or throw.  Where did the woman I knew just a few short months ago disappear?

 ***** 

 This is going to be (hopefully) a long term project with thousands and thousands of daily up dates (*snerk*).  Prolly not, but bear with me cuz I’m doing this as a way of showing you, my loving wonderful spouse and beautiful sparkly daughters, just how much I love you all.

*****

Three of my favorite jokes:

What is a CAT?

1. Cats do what they want.
2. They rarely listen to you.
3. They're totally unpredictable.
4. When you want to play, they want to be alone.
5. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
6. They expect you to cater to their every whim.
7. They're moody.
8. They leave hair everywhere.
CONCLUSION: They're tiny Femme Lesbians in little fur coats. (ME)


What is a DOG?

1. Dogs spend all day sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.
2. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room.
3. They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.
4. They growl when they are not happy.
5. When you want to play, they want to play.
6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7. They leave their toys everywhere.
8. They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss!
9. They go right to your crotch as soon as they meet you.
CONCLUSION: They're tiny Butch Lesbians in little fur coats. (AMY ;) ) 



 

A guy walks into a bar and orders two shots of Vodka.
The bar tender says "had a tough day?"
The man replied "yeah I found out my little brother is gay".
The next day the same guy walks in to the bar again and this time orders 3 shots of Vodka.
The bartender says "another bad day?"
The man replied "yeah i just found out my older brother is gay".
The next day the same man walks in the bar and this time orders 5 shots of Vodka.
The bartender looked at him and said "Man doesn't anybody in your family like women?
The man then replied "yeah, My wife"

 

What does a lesbian bring on a second date?:  A U-Haul...

What does a gay man bring on a second date?:  No one knows, it's never happend before....

 

*****

Random Observations for My Daughters

 Observation #1:  Wheelchairs make your ass hurt.

Observation #2:   You girls are getting just too big for both of you to sit on my lap at once...  but I'm glad you keep trying.

Observation #3:  I ALWAYS have first dibs on your Poppi's lap.  I saw her first!

Observation #4:  I don't want to "almost" die.  I  asked your Poppi to roll me out into a snow drift somewheres if I ever get to the point that all I can do is stare into space and drool.  She got REALLY mad at me.  She even yelled!  Can you imagine you Poppi yelling???  (and yeah, it was kinda funny ;) ).  Anyways, she told me that I was mean to even think of doing that.  She reminded me that there was always hope as long as your heart beats.  She also said that even if I couldn't get out, she would still know I was in there and keep loving me none the less.  Yeah, I cried.  Big surprise, huh?

*****

Your mommy’s  favoritest poet of all times is Lefty McGee.  Here is my favoritest poem by him:

 

 flaunt

violent motion
restrained
by an impassioned
sense of lust
into staccato sequence.

a segue
into private discourse
from a public place.

although no one was watching
when her modesty slipped,
all noticed
flaunted serenity
when she lied with her smile
and languorous caress.
  

 

http://open.salon.com/blog/lefty_mcgee/2009/07/26/per_her_request

 

  P.S.  If either of you girls want to marry him, you have my blessings, but you gotta wait till you’re at least done with college.

 

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Oh Safe...this is sad and beautiful and hopeful....love to you and Amy and the kids....xox
Fuck.

That's all I got right now.
I don't have much more than surly here, Safe. Just know that we're here to listen to the truth. My thoughts are with you. Too bad you can't beat this shit over the head with snark - you'd be free and clear!
My intent here isn't to make anyone unhappy or sad. It certainly isn't a plea for sympathy, either. What I want it to be is an archive of "me", so that just maybe my family can read it on some future date and think about who I was and how I became "me".

That said, if you want to, please feel free to put your own random thoughts here. I consider many of you to be my friends (which is a source of constant amazement to Amy) and you are part of my life. The mental wanderings of my friends are as indicative of what makes "me" as anything I might put here. {{{{big, freak'in uber hugs}}}}
Hugs. Just hugs.

And some free advice on the butt hurting... Silicone Seat Cushion! Trust me. It more closely resembles the natural fat in our derriere than other choices and makes it easier to live with the thing that you hate.
don't quite know what to say to this.
More lies:

I'm alone

I'm the only one who feels this way

(BULLSHIT!)
Can only say this: keep writing, keep writing, keep writing.
Damn, Safe_Bet. I want to hear it...all of it. Thanks, for opening up to us. Love to you and your family.
Lady, you keep writing, we'll keep reading. In the "virtual" world, there's so much we don't/can't know - but we have this: communication, good thoughts, good energy, prayers, and occasionally (MrsRaptor) good advice.

(((Safe_Bet)))
You have an amazing amount of life pouring from your writing. Please keep writing and I will keep reading. This is a wonderful idea for your family to read the hard realities you may shield them from verbally, for clarity and understanding at a later point. Take care,
Beautiful post; not much I can really say...but I could tell you my own favorite lesbian joke. ;)

A butch dyke walks into a bar, hoists herself up onto a stool and orders a beer. A bit later, a pretty little lipstick number comes in and sits down next to her. The butch gives her a wink and says, "so little lady, what's your name?" The femme smiles back and says, "I'm Mary!" "MARY?!" snorts the butch, "Shit, that's a BOY'S name!"
@ robin: Not really/(or not) on the subject, I'd really love you to come deer hunting with Amy next fall. I'd like somebody to be with her when she shoots herself in the foot!

@ iamsurly: When? Where? (I already know the how part!)
@ TNNT: *Snerk* Just so we're clear... just cuz you agreed with iamsurly, doesn't mean that my response to her applies to you too, dude! ;) (but thanks)

@ Julie Tarp: Damn you, woman! I spend a LOT of time sitting on Amy's lap and we both like to read the posts of people that comment, so we can get to know them better. When she saw that picture of that freak'in new born calf on your blog, her first words were "I've GOT to get me one of those!" Thanks a LOT! (the chick doesn't know a calf from a freakin giraffe, FFS!) :D
Shit . . . Big hugs and much love to you and yours. Wish I was there to make pancakes and make you laugh.
The chair can be a challenge but it can be a form of freedom to. I have two guys in chairs and we get out and do stuff all the time. I loved the poem. Now let's play some cards. You might get me at Hold 'Em but I am nearly unbeatable at Omaha Hi-Low Split. I think I'll deal....
@ Penrose: I LIKE your humor. I want my girls to know that it's okay to laugh AND cry. They are both taking everthing pretty well, BTW.

@ Mrs. Raptor: I'm going to try the silicone seat cushion you suggested, but I hope it doesn't remind me of some other silicone "products" we have around here!

@bobbot: That's cool. I'm trying to keep this for being morbid, so... know any good dirty jokes??? ;)
My oldest friend in the entire world who happens to live in England was recently diagnosed with MS, and ironically I used to work for the National MS Society. All I can say, as I did to her, what a drag! But she's doing very well as I hope you are!!!
This is so sad and my heart aches for you and your family. You are in my thoughts and prayers.. You have a great life with the ones that you love and no one could ask for more then that..
{{HUGS}}
Write, write, write. And talk to her. And them. Please keep talking. Please, even when the words are hard and they are so scary to say, please say them, ok? Even when it's not easy and maybe harder then hell, I promise you, they want you to talk. And write.

With love.
Completely different feel. The silicone on the other products has a more solid and rubbery feel to it designed to approximate the feel of flesh. The silicone in the seat cushions is more the consistency of almost set jello or congealed broth and is designed to approximate our natural padding (aka fat).
Hey now, be careful who you ask for dirty jokes from! :-D

DOn't forget my references to Wet and Wild and Down and Dirty! :-D
Oooh. Oooh. Ooooh. Can I tell my favourite lesbian joke?

Q. What's a lesbian's favourite animal?
A: A Killer Whale: It's got a six-foot tongue and can breathe through the top of its head.

Okay. that's for all of us who love cunnilingus.

Damn it Safe_Bet. You're not allowed to go anywhere. How about if WE ALL sit on your lap and then you'll be stuck with us?
I'm with surly on the expletives. I don't want this to be happening. But, as it is, we will face it with you, until you have to go on a bit by yourself. With much love.
I came here thinking Good News or whatever, but I like the way you operate. When I came to OS, I was really writing a diary for my kids or grandkids, if they ever want to know more of what I have always held inside. I have a cane now, and I'll fight that fucking chair to I can't fight anymore. You can never give up hope, it runs the world!
Actually, I kind of like this one but it is a bit old; What did the banana say to the vibrator? "What are you shaking for? She's gonna eat me"
Beautiful poem.
But it sucks that you had to uproot your whole life and move just because you're gay. SUCKS! Can I just say that again? SUCKS!!!!
I'm glad you had the smarts and the gumption to do it in time.
But still sucks that you had to do it.
I sit here trying to find the right words, yet there are none.
I can feel some of your pain, not being able to be out side with your family playing, literally being trapped inside a body that will not work the way you want.

I wear many masks throughout the day depending on who I am speaking to. I can tell you feel about the same way I do when someone asks, 'how are you today?' 'Today is a good day.' -- on the outside. On the inside, 'how the fuck do you think I am?'

Hang in there girl, fight fight fight, even when you feel you have no more...fight!
xx
Safe, I read part 2 first. Now I get it's real, M.S. I have a friend with a different variant of MS and I must, in all conscience email you about him. He was to be dead years ago. Maybe this same thing will work for you and maybe not. Brave woman, you!
How did I miss this post?

I'm so sorry to hear this. It really sucks. Fuck.

You're one of the beautiful people. Sending good energy your way.
We are here for you (and I'm favoriting you). May things go well for you for a very, very long time.
@ Gwen: Yeah, it sucks. I really was looking forward to sitting in a rocking chair and spoiling the shit our of my grand babies. This is all part of life though. I guess I've getting to be fatalistic.
@ Lea: Thanks, hun. It will be what it will be.
Oh, Safe...I am sorry to learn of this. It sounds like you are surrounded with beauty - children, a lover, a farm in Iowa; may it sustain your days as you journey with this. Leaving your poetry and musings is a great gift - not just for OSers but for your kids' future. Namaste.
These are truths we hope we never need to learn. "Random Observations for My Daughters"

Rated
I *heart* you Safe!
I missed this. How the hell did I miss this? Sometimes I hate the feed here.

Damn. I had to read this twice because I just didn't believe it the first time. I had to keep looking at the tags, hoping like hell I'd see 'fiction' in there.

Damn.

I have nothing clever to say, no words of comfort. I cannot imagine they would do any good.

I am so sorry. I can only echo what Surly said.
Now I'm crying at work. She had M.S. and my husband has M.S. and it's so sad that she died so young and it's all too much. But boy, wasn't Safe Bet brilliant to leave her O.S. blogs as a legacy for her family?! Yes!
Rest In Peace, Safe Bet. I shall go back and read your work. Your words will remain always. Peace & Love to you Amy & the kids.
You are an amazing woman, sharing yourself to the very end. How luck your girls are to have known you, to remember you and miss you, to have a chance to be like you.
Sorry I didn't see or know you when you were "here" but you still seem "here" and I believe you are as well as places we can scarcely imagine.
I care and I wish you hours, many hours of a good life.