'Twas the Night of Obama's Castration:

the last of the Royal Balls was coming off.

All the counts, discounts and no-'ccounts

were sitting around the throne room slinging camel-shit,

for in those days, bull-shit was as yet unknown.

A noise was heard in the courtyard and in came

John Boehner on his gallant white steed,

with his balls slung over his shoulder.

"What ho!" cried Obama.

"Ass-hole!" replied John Boehner,

 thus scoring an early point for the Tea Party people.

At this, Pelosi dashed madly through the court

with her drawers at half-mast,

and her ass shining like a looking-glass in the moonlight.

 Hilarious now, Obama offered John Boehner

the post of second-in-command.

"But what of Pelosi?" asked John Boehner.

"Oh, fuck Pelosi!" replied Obama,

and 50,000 loyal Democrats were killed in the rush, 

for in those days Obama's word was law,

and Obama ruled with an iron hand.

Upon seeing such mass slaughter,

Obama in exasperation exclaimed,

"Oh, shit!"; and all 50,000 remaining loyal Democrats

dropped their drawers and squatted on their haunches

and strained and grunted in unison,

for in those days Obama's word was law

and Obama ruled with an iron hand.

"Stop!" cried Pelosi, thinking of the royal carpet.

Obama called "Halt!" and 49,999 loyal butt-holes

snapped shut with a stately click,

and 49,999 glistening turds were nipped,

gently steaming in the morning air,

all save for that of John Boehner,

who proceeded to lay one two cubits wide

by one cubit high by three cubits long.

Obama was sore affronted,

and ordered John Boehner thrown into the lions' den

for three days and three nights,

for in those days Obama's word was law

and Obama ruled with an iron hand.

And here was John Boehner,

in the midst of all those roaring, snarling beasts ---

but of course, you could easily recognize John Boehner

by the large green parasol that he always carried.

On the first day, Pelosi came unto John Boehner

and John Boehner said, 

"Oh Pelosi, I am in need of some tea!"

and Pelosi asked, "What manner of tea?"

John Boehner replied, "C-U-N-T!" And Pelosi departed.

On the second day Pelosi came unto John Boehner

and John Boehner said,

"Oh Pelosi, I am in need of some pills!"

and Pelosi asked, "What manner of pills?"

John Boehner replied, "NIP-PILLS!" And Pelosi departed.

Again on the third day, Obama came unto John Boehner,

but it had come to pass

that on the morning of the third day,

John Boehner had shat a great shit,

and the lions were sore affronted.

Almost all of them had thenceforth kept their distance.

But one of the lions took a liking to John Boehner's left nut,

and began to munch upon it.

"Oh, it tickles, it tickles!" cried John Boehner.

"What tickles?" asked Obama.

"TES-TICKLES!" roared John Boehner,

thereby scoring another point for the Tea Party people.

Upon hearing this, all the ladies in the courtyard

took out their tits and tittered.

Then the lion crouched as if to spring,

but instead laid a big turd. This amused Obama,

and he ordered John Boehner to come forth,

but John Boehner slipped on the lion's turd and came fifth,

 thus utterly losing the race. This angered John Boehner

so greatly that he picked up the lion turd and,

with menacing accuracy, hurled it at random.

Random, being a crafty little bugger, ducked,

and the turd hit Obama full in the eye.

Now, this made Obama exceedingly angry,

whereupon he inquired, "Where's Pelosi?" "

Milord, she is on the Royal Crapper."

"And is she well-supplied with paper?"

"Milord, she has forty reams of the finest linen."

"It is good," said Obama. "And where's Palin?"

"Oh, she's upstairs in bed with laryngitis."

"Not that fucking Greek again!" cried John Boehner.

This amused Obama and he spake, "Oh, fuck Palin!"

and another 40,000 loyal Democrats

were trampled to death  in the rush,

for in those days Obama's word was law,

and Obama ruled with an iron hand,

and besides, Palin was a comely wench.

This made Obama exceeding angry,

but Pelosi only said, "Well, I'll be fucked!" ---

more in hope than in indignation.

But nobody moved, save a solitary senile seneschal,

quietly masturbating in a corner into a silver teaspoon,

and John Boehner, who, taking her at her word,

grabbed Pelosi by her butt-cheeks and slipped her

onto his dick like a well-worn jackboot.

Later in the evening Obama entered the Royal Boudoir

and saw Pelosi lying on the bed, clad only in Nature's attire.

"Roll over, Pelosi!" ordered Obama. "I'll be fucked if I will!"

 shouted Pelosi. "You will at that," observed Obama,

"but you'll be corn-holed if you won't!"

Hearing this, Pelosi shat a gold brick,

for in those days a square ass-hole was a symbol of royalty.

 When Obama saw this, he cried, "Balls!"; n

ot because he had to, but because he had two.

And Pelosi replied, "Balls!? If I had two, I could be Obama!"

 Whereupon Obama, having partaken of over-ripe olives,

hied himself to the innermost part of his Kingdom

and proceeded to shit buttermilk for three days,

and thereafter was forever known as Obama Dairy-Ass,

 throughout the world.

Blaming John Boehner for his digestive discomfort

Obama sentenced John Boehner to wander in the wilderness

 for forty days and forty nights,

for in those days Obama's word was law

and Obama ruled with an iron hand.

And so it came to pass that John Boehner wandered

in the wilderness for many a long day and many a long night.

 But in the evening of his thirteenth day in the wilderness,

John Boehner was set upon by bandits!

Not, as you might at first surmise,

ordinary bandits, but Mexican bandits.

Nor, as you might at second surmise,

ordinary Mexican bandits, but Mexican butt-bandits,

who debagged him, scragged him, and shagged him,

and left him with his pockets jingling, and his ass-hole tingling.

 Months went by before Pelosi came unto John Boehner.

"Oh John Boehner, I am heavy with child.

What steps are to be taken?"

"Fuckin' big ones!" replied John Boehner

as he vanished over the Southern horizon! 

P.S.  This was originally written over 100 years ago by someone much smarter than I.  My only contribution was the magic of "Find and Replace".