After reading Linda Seccaspina's  "A completely insane interview with Cyril the Gnome", I have realized that I am gnomophobic.  I’m sorry, but they are just icky and I know that if I ever touch one I would get gnome cooties.   

So, I decided that, before everyone gets all over me for what I consider to be legitimate feelings, I had better explain WHY I’m gnomophobic.  

 Where’s the big women???

Gnomes believe that they should be allowed to marry, just like us tall people.  This will lead to the ruination of society.

•  Gnome marriage will encourage people to be Gnomos, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall. 
• Legalizing Gnome marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior.  People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract. 
•  Tall People marriage will be less meaningful if Gnome marriage were allowed; the sanctity of Brittany Spears’ 55-hour just-for-fun marriage would be destroyed.  

Being a Gnome is unnatural and sinful!

• Being a Gnomo is not natural.  Real Americans ™ always reject unnatural things like eyeglasses, polyester, air conditioning – and gnomes.
•  Gnome-ness is not supported by religion.  In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country.  That’s why we have only one religion in America.
•  Gnomes piss off the Pope.  This distracts him from his other important duties such as ranting about the use of condoms, homos and those mean people who just won’t shut the hell up about a few thousand priests, bishops, cardinals that like to bugger young children. 

Once they go Gnome, they never come home!

Think about the CHILDREN!

• Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home.  Ever see a female gnome?  (if you did, he was in drag).  That’s why we as a society expressly forbid single parents to raise children.
• Obviously, gnome parents will raise gnome children, since tall parents only raise tall children.
• Do you really want your children to be influenced by the evil gnome culture?  The next thing you know they will be wearing pastels, pointy hats and hanging around with lawn jockeys (not that I have anything against lawn jockeys…  some of my best friends are lawn jockeys, but that doesn't mean I’d want my daughter to marry one!) 

I hope this clears everything up for y’all.  Call me a hater if you want to, but in the words of Randy Newman…