As an ex-gender studies teacher and mom of an extremely feminine 3 yr old (won’t get out of her car seat before applying pink frosted lip gloss) girl that I swear was implanted into my womb by aliens, the hairs on my neck stand up when cartoons reinforce stereotypical gendered roles. I have practically bit my tongue in half watching princess movies with her, but I expect a Disney storyline to be a wee bit misogynistic. I am grateful for surprises like Barbie swashbuckling and kicking ass in Three MuskeBarbieteers or whatever it’s called, but encourage heroines with depth like Word Girl whose superior erudition solves crime. I thought I found such a heroine in the adorably plucky Dora, and then I watched Diego.  

What first caught my ire was the difference in theme songs. I used to think the Dora theme song was catchy, festive, gender neutral, until I heard the jungle drums and tribal chanting of “Go Diego Go” and had a desire to get primitive myself. When my dog heard it, she dry humped a pillow. The song, like Daniel Craig’s eyes, creates complete confidence in Diego’s ability to save anything. It perfectly introduces the “rough and tough adventurer, working all the time” whereas Dora’s playful samba in comparison, introduces a tickle party. Not fair. I’m not suggesting Iron Maiden, but if they really are sending this girl into the jungle on her own, her music needs to be more Dirty Harry, less Mariah Carey. Sure Word Girl’s theme song might elicit visions of cage dancers in go-go boots, but they are groin kicking cage dancers in go-go boots.

Speaking of boots…  Originally, the creators of Dora thought a white mouse would be a good partner because it could travel in her pocket, but then opted for a monkey. Did they learn nothing from Friends? Monkeys are not assets, especially dimwitted monkeys who think the proper attire for jungle survival is Napoleon Dynamite boots. But, what does Diego get? A baby jaguar. A fucking baby jaguar age estimated between playful companion and undiscerning carnivore. Now that is a sidekick! Although Baby Jaguar is younger than Boots the timing of his “Reahr Reahr” and the precision of his paw pointing indicates he is far more intelligent. In the jungle a person wants someone who offers resourceful insights other than, “I love my ball! My ball is round!” Boots is as helpful as an umbrella in a hurricane. Dora needs a hypogriff.  

Okay, so Boots is impotent, so what. Dora has Backpack, right? As the Nadia Bloom ordeal confirmed, the wild is no place for an ill-equipped, young girl. Next time Backpack quizzes Dora with the loopty-loop of options (tortuous if time is the enemy) notice the majority of contents are completely ridiculous. In one episode, an ice cream cone floated in the mix. Creators, shame on you for insulting my daughter’s intelligence. A fucking ice cream cone as a tool for jungle exploring? Maybe as a delicioso snack while she waits for a boa constrictor to squeeze her to death, that is unless it melts first. Diego NEVER has a useless tool as an option, never. He gets a kayak, a hanglider, a gun… whatever you need! We can do it! Nothin’ to it! Rescue Pack wants to save Diego’s ass at all costs, not lend him a stick of gum. Rescue pack would kill Backpack if necessary. No wonder one of Dora and Backpack’s biggest challenges was returning books to the library.  

After comparing the two shows, I am lead to believe the creators don’t take Dora too seriously. They and her computer drawn parents encourage her cute little escapades knowing there is never any real risk. Dora is simply “exploring”. But Diego? He has “rescue adventures” and overcomes “perilous obstacles” (1), meaning… he could die. I’m not satisfied with the disparity. I want a cross over show. I want Diego to have an appendectomy and for Dora to take charge. No, I want Dora to slip him a ruffie, bind him and shove him in the closet then tell everyone he had an appendectomy. Then hack into Click, repel out of the tree house, ultimate fight the Bo Bo Brothers (those assholes have it coming), and recite Shakespeare while saving a penguin from the jaws of a killer whale. And I want Diego spend an afternoon patiently showing Boots how to climb a tree. 

~Cue Fiesta Trio  

(1) http://www.cartoonwatcher.com/go-diego-go/go-diego-go-information.php