"If last year was our Silver Anniversary, what's this year?" My Husband
"This year is our Tire Iron Anniversary." Me

Friends used to ask if I chose January 23 --i.e. 1.23-- deliberately, to help my husband remember our anniversary. Nope. We wanted a Saturday night wedding and January 23rd happened to be the date all the elements came together ... including an unplanned sleet storm. We still laugh about that, and the problems it caused.

Think about it. We laugh about our wedding. Reminisce about who did what, said what, drank how much, forgot what, etc., etc. We remember it together as a great party after a time of moderate stress ... so, a mutually achieved milestone.

I don't understand the whole "Bridezilla" thing. A wedding isn't a beauty pageant, it's a celebration of a union. Two. People. Religious or not, the focus shouldn't be solely on The Bride. It should be on The Wedding. Most important, the real focus should be on The Marriage.

We focus on our marriage. As you can see by the true exchange quoted above, we approach a lot of things in our relationship with humor. (We actually gave each other tire irons this year).

Married 26 years --as my husband likes to joke,"19 of the happiest years of our lives"-- is no small accomplishment.

All joking aside, it's quite an achievement to be happily married so long, especially in this day and age, no matter how many bumps in the road along the way. Trials and tribulations conquered together can serve to make a marriage stronger. So does good sex.

I'm not talking about make-up sex. We've never been a couple who fights in order to excite ourselves into passion. Fighting is another thing you have to practice to get right. Early in a marriage it can take days to recover from the pain of a knock-down, drag out. Coming together (so to speak) after a fight should be genuine rekindling, not staged cage-fighting.

On the other hand, staging sex games is an art. Dress-up, role-playing, toys. Candles, music, hotel overnights. Whatever works for both should be used whenever things are feeling a little rote and stale. Not all the time. My experience is that anything can get stale if overdone.

Sometimes we plan to have sex and enjoy the anticipation. Sometimes one of us sneaks up on the other in the middle of the night. Sometimes we enjoy jumping each other's bones out of the blue, say, during dinner. Sometimes we just look at each other and say, "Naaa." Don't knock it. Back scratching and foot rubs count as intimacy. It's essentially grooming each other, in the purest animal sense. 

We're still best friends. Which is the ultimate in intimacy. We talk, debate, discuss, argue, make up. We can still laugh at ourselves, each other and life. We admire each other as individuals but we're a solid team. That's the main way we continue to grow ever more adept at connubial bliss.

Are we lucky? Sure. Do we work hard to keep it this way? Absolutely. Here's my biggest piece of advice: Fight fair. Too many people use fighting as a way to introduce fake passion into a stale marriage. It comes at a heavy price. Others feed off each other's anger to keep the marriage alive. Even worse. Keeping sex alive and lively won't ever happen if anger is allowed to dominate.

We want our passion real. And our grievances aired.

We try to be open and honest without using honesty as a weapon. Or a device for passive-aggressive manipulation. If he says or does something relatively minor that bothers me, I just say so, right then and there. Say. Not YELL. Although sometimes I yell without meaning to. He tunes that out as background noise. But if fighting disintegrates into veins-bulging anger, one of us leaves the room. Nothing good ever comes out of that kind of "passion."

If one of us has committed a major infraction, we wait until we're alone, sober, reasonably calm. Then we lay out our case. Quietly. Face to face. This hurt my feelings/crossed the line/was unfair/whatever. We also apologize. A sincere apology can be a major aphrodisiac.

We have a happy, well-adjusted son who's out on his own and already on the road to success in a career he loves. So that huge responsibility has been met. It's a weight off our shoulders. No small thing, believe me. And a big thing to have the house to ourselves.

We also had good role models, and that helps too. My husband's parents were married 41 years when my father-in-law died. I helped my husband through that, and through his mother's death 7 years later.

He's a loving, patient son-in-law to my parents, who, at 85 and 92 recently celebrated their 37th anniversary. (Both were widowed when they married, but I've noted we don't split hairs, we're just one big blended family.)

My parents have set the bar high and happy, too. They never miss an opportunity to touch, kiss, hug. And to tell each other and us how special they are. A life lesson right there if I ever saw one.

My father regularly fills me in on Mom's beauty and accomplishments, on how she continues to impress everyone she meets, on how beloved she is by their friends. And on how sexy she still is.

My mother tells me with equal pride how devoted and caring Dad is, what a good lover, how all her friends express envy at their 'perfect' marriage. Women still flirt with Dad. Forget it. Mom's got him, hook, line and sinker.

They still hug and kiss and who knows what else ...  we often catch them exchanging intimate signals. Which, frankly, is a joyful and heartening feeling.

Every morning my father says to my mother, "I'm sorry," to cover all the mistakes he's sure to make that day. Every night my mother apologizes for anything she might have done wrong.

They do that tongue in cheek, but the message is clear. Hold your spouse and his/her feelings in high esteem. Hold your relationship in high regard. Don't take it, or your partner for granted.

Marriage is a commitment, not just of time and energy but of self. And it requires, most of all, best of all, humor and flexibility. Add to the mix respect, admiration, empathy, support, attention and passion -- and there you have it, the recipe for a good marriage.

Here's my final piece of advice: Show appreciation for each other. Verbally and physically. The way my parents do. Any way that works for you.

Maybe you're wondering why I haven't mentioned Love. Simple. It goes without saying. But it should be said every day. Every. Single. Day.

"A successful marriage is an edifice that must be rebuilt every day." Andre Maurois

 
A vanilla wedding. ("If I'm wearing white, everybody's wearing white.")

 
A chocolate wedding cake. ("Okay, so we'll start a new tradition.")