A sweet and loving post.

I was in a card shop last week and 3 of the other shoppers with me were a boomer daughter and her parents. The parents kept saying "How old will he be? 9? 10?" Then they would bicker about how old the birthday boy was going to be. The daughter scolded them, said she'd be with them in just a minute, that she was busy, but she would be with them in just a minute. I sidled up next to her and said softly, "You are a patient and good daughter." She turned and smiled. Then she told me how lucky she is that she lives near them. That her sister, who has little patience, lives far and only complains about their parents' situation. She is a very wise woman. She knows she has limited time left with her parents and that it will take patience on her part to enjoy that time.

Sally---this is my favorite of everything you've done. Just masterfully, cleanly and descriptively well written.

Wow, Roger, thank you. Really. Wow. It's so from the heart, I'm so lucky to have them. And in case you haven't guessed, I'm the caretaker in the family.

Second that "cleanly and descriptively well written." Great post!

Thank you Sally.
I miss all the old folks. I am 55 and they are leaving, gently moving on,....My best friend was my wife's Uncle Joe. He was a deaf-mute, raised in a rural area of Eastern Pennsylvania. He was one of six children, three of whom were deaf. My wife's Grandmother was wise enough, during the 20's, to send the three to the Pennsylvania Academy. They led active, full, loving, healthy lives; self-sufficient into their 80's and 90's. I miss Uncle Joe, and as my 60's approach, I see some of his crankiness and visual humor in my actions.

Be well.

You all are so kind, everybody has a story about aging relatives... at least I hope you're lucky enough to do so.

But friends... my dear friends... nobody is RATING! Are our memories going so soon?....

Sally,

Nicely done. And a good reminder of where we will all be someday, should we be so lucky. My parents are 92 and 90 and their senility shows, every day. I am their on-site 'care watcher', no one can be their care giver. They are too fiercely independent for that.

At times they don't know what they are doing and still they will let no one help them. They are independent, so watch out and get out of the way. They have been doing it their way for over o 90 yrs. So thats how they will continue to do it.

The lesson here is to listen to the stroke rehab people, they really do know what they are talking about. After a month in the stroke rehab hospital they said he needed between level two(assisted living) and level three(skilled nursing) care.

But we, their children, just knew better. We knew he would not like it in an institution of any kind. We have a farm with fields of corn and pastures with horses and foals and "little baby cows" up and down the lanes. Idyllic, or so we thought. But little did we know or ever could have guessed.

Fierceness is the hallmark of each day. We never know what is coming next. We have shut the gas stove off and are just waiting for them to blow up the microwave.

So, once again, listen to the stroke rehab people, they reall y do know what they are talking about, unlike forty years ago when our grandparents came to that age.

Bob, so sorry to hear about your parents. Strokes are so frustrating, my mother-in-law had a debilitating one and retained just enough of her fiercely independent self to drive us to distraction. We were fortunate to find some wonderful practical nurses to live in her house with her full time as she refused to leave and needed complete physical care.

I hope it never comes to that with my parents, who are still so 'all there' they often put us to shame. It's the little things, the constant small health problems and needing more rest and having to walk more slowly and finding travel more tiring that drives them nuts. They still feel young! We should all be so lucky.

Delightful and much in it was recognizable. (My mom turns 80 in a couple of months.)

Oh, and I gave this piece a THUMBS UP :)

Susan wins!!

Hi Sally -- great post, as always. I live in this state, so see much of the opposite -- people that don't stay active and give up. There is NO DOUBTin my mind, that staying active as a senior is the way to go about things. My parents are still active and this really keeps them going -- I am thankful for that. Again, Sally, you are on a roll -- thanks for sharing!
(PS You don't need a test..:) ) private joke of sorts

I constantly worry about my parents mortality. My dream is to put them on pause with a supernatural remote control, sending them to an alternative dimension of rest and beloved television programs that exists pleasantly apart from my consciousness for the time I need to resolve a few childhood conflicts, while science inspires a way to extend human life for at least another several hundred years. Despite our problems, I am far from ready to be orphaned.

That was a lovely and funny post Sally. So true about the patience required for hearing the stories (over and over)

I think people are not rating the posts because of the placement of counter. Perhaps we should ask Kerry and Joan to consider changing that.

Will rate for cookies.

Or, in your case, Sally, a peek at your toes.

You write with tremendous heart, gentleness and wisdom. Absolutely beautiful. I'm going to make sure to read every one of your posts, from now on.

This post of yours made me long for my own parents. I miss them so much! Thanks for such a lovely, if brief, pause on my leisurely "sally" (or perhaps more like a headlong tumble) toward my own Boca Midnight.

Oh, and I rated it, too. :)

Great post, Sally. I loved it. I have to admit I'm a little envious, to have had two parents growing old together would have been wonderful.

BTW, I think we share the Boca midnight as well. Although we are up later because it is dive season and David doesn't get home from coaching until 9, typically we are asleep by ten. When one is a farmer, chores come early.

Hi again Sally. You are so lucky even if you have to learn patience. My story is a sad one. My mom got Ovarian cancer when she was 55. I'll never foget the day she was diagnosed. My father and sister were calmer people than I ever was. We were told she had "three months" at best. We were also told NOT to tell her the truth. I went right to her room and shaded the truth but gave it also. I left out the horrid 'three month' words. But I told her it was cancer and where it was and that we all were going to get her the best doctor, hospital whatever. She was a difficult mom but once she had this diagnosis she defined grace under pressure, was happy and even psychic.

We did as I promised: We found the best doctor, and she was "otherwise healthy." Turned out, as is common, this cancer was already at stage 4. Becuase she had a strong heart, she took this was late 70's, the most experimental--read awful--chemo imaginable. She lasted 2 1/2 years and for that we were all greatful. But she did not make it to 60.

One month after her death to the day, my dad's kidneys' failed. There was no one to take care of him so I gave up my work as a psychologist and moved in with him. Beause he was so lovable, this ordeal was different than with my mom. My dad was hilarious and I confess that I adored living with him. His prognosis however was not good and losing both parents in one year was simply unbearable. (As I write I realize that many I know lost both parents at far younger ages. I was 38.) My dad and I bonded. I stayed with him whever, three times a week, he had dialysis. It beame exhausting but I was his cushion, the one who could monitor treatments to make sure he didn't die before his time. He lasted, my sweetheart dad, another 2 1/2 years. I got to say a real good by to both parents. When he died, I was howling, an orphan, what turned out to be harder than I knew then.

But here's my point: Because I was the adult kid who took it on, I got a lot of strange rewards for my work with both of them. They loved Israel and I didn't know anything about it. But a few years after my dad died at 59, I went for 13 days and stayed for 9 years. I found my family there. I loved living there. I didn't feel like an orphan anymore. I had a child, but am still sad my parents never met her. However, I do believe that karmically, what we give to our dying or aging parents does come back to give us gifts, as I feel in my bones that my Dad finally got me to Israel, after his death, strange as that sounds.

Now what does this have to do with your beautiful post. First, that you are so lucky to age with aging parents, hard as taking care of them is, or will be. They sound totally amazing. But sometimes I also confess to feeling lucky that they died when I was young and healthy enough to be fully present for them. It was a whole heap of work. Work I could, at 65, never do now with the same energy. Now sick myself, I'm astounded that I have outlived them by more than 5 years. I miss them terribly. It's tragic that they were both so sick in their mere fifties. But because I was there, they never felt alone. And I don't feel alone beause, contradiction coming, they are always with me and will always be. I wouldn't want them to worry about me and I couldn't bear the work as said now. So, it some weird horrid way, their early deaths were well timed. And I do have friends and a daughter who care for me. Of course, it's not the same, it's harder for me. But I'd totally prefer to take the hard road myself than to have had either of them loney while dying. I am rambling as is my wont. But I wanted to share this with you Sally because so many here are also adult orphans, with young children, and that is another kettle of fish? Fish? Fill in the blanks. All best, Wendy

Sally, my spitfire grandmother (alas, I do not share her genes) turns 90 next weekend. We are throwing her one hell of a party, at which she will without fail dance the pants off of all of us, even though she's 97% deaf in her GOOD ear.

Then, we're all going on a cruise to Cabo, where she'll do the same thing in the disco.

My mother (her daughter) has never been long on patience. It doesn't come naturally. At 64 but still adorably petite and fitter than me, her own "Patience Years" are probably another 20 years away.

I hope that I'll manage to bite my tongue when she frustrates me the way Granny frustrates her.

Thanks for this post.

Just loved this, Sally. I am 57 and it's so weird being at the other end now; the mother with kids who have their own lives, the grandmother. I'm my parents had they lived this long. I lost both of them within 9 months of each other. My mom mellowed out considerably as she aged and we were just forging a decent relationship when she died. I dreamed they were alive for months after their deaths.

Cherish them. Be patient and loving and available. That's what I want from my kids and I hope that's what I gave mine while they were still here.

Thanks for a beautiful post. (I rated!)

Okay, here goes:

Matt, try to chill. Enjoy them while you can instead of worrying about the future. Your best bet to ease your worry is to make sure they have a good doctor, get regular check ups, take care of themselves. And allow them to enjoy you too.

Ann, thank you. Something to think about for all who have parents. And, something to think about for all who want to be rated. :)

Lonnie, how about toe-shaped cookies?

Dana, thank you so much. I'm going to check in on your blog Friday and find out what we have in common. So sorry your parents are gone. I hope you have someone in your life to love and who loves you.

Lauren, even though I'm not old enough, I'll be your mommy any time you need me. :)

Wendy, my god, what a truly tragic story. It should be told, to honor them, and you, and your daughter. Please, copy what you wrote here and make a post of it with more on your blog. (If you can, and it's not too painful). I'm so sorry you're sick too, what a hard life. I hope your new friends on OS can make it a little lighter, we'll sure try. I'm always sad when children don't have grandparents, so much valuable family history lost. I hope your daughter is named for your mother or father, a lasting legacy.

Everybody, please don't think the Rating remards are all about MEEEEE. Put a similar note at the end of your own posts reminding people to Rate. It's one of OS's top metrics, so it's a great way to find each other.

Oy, I didn't mean to miss anybody, you're all so kind and have such unique stories of your own.

Verbal, your mom sounds like a pistol, enjoy her as best you can. My Granny (my mother's mother) was wonderful but also a bit short on patience. My mom used to say, Tell me if I ever go overboard like Granny. We did, she denied it, but she's mellowed. It also helps in that generation and at that age to have a loving husband.

Grandma, the perfect advice for my parents, thank you! I am going to find a gentle way to pass it on and keep it on their radar. So sorry you had to learn the hard way with your mom. But from what I've seen here, you sure rock as a mother and grandmother yourself.

Marsha, thank you, no matter what, I am proud to have been patient, loving and available as they've aged. I set an example for my siblings, and, I hope, for my own son.

Okay, I'm going to get through this quickly and with a minimum of fuss. 'Cause that's what men do.

My Mom's 75. Very happy she's still in my life. Call her every two days.

Lost my Dad in '96. Miss him a lot. Talk to my own boy about him.

Good post, but don't get to thinking it made me all emotional. Alright?

I really enjoyed your post. Your parent's marriage and age is fascinating to me. I never knew any of my grandparents--they had all died before I was born. I lost both of my parents in my 30's--my father with a malignant brain tumor and my mother with early onset Alzheimer's (lasted for 15 years--she only died 4 years ago, but she was gone by my late 30's).

I miss them and I am so happy for you that you still have them. Jane Fonda said when her father died, that his death removed the barrier between herself and death.

I know exactly what she means.

Beautiful post.

I love this Sally.

I'm living inside the bubble you describe, and it's got some sharper edges. I moved to Deerfield Beach, 10 minutes south of Boca, to be near my 82 year old mom when I separated from my wife in NY. After 30 years of marriage and two grown sons, I needed a big change of scenery, and frankly, my mom needed someone close by.
My dad died down here 15 years ago, and my mom was fortunate to have had two long relationships since his death, but both those guys ran out of steam, and she was alone for some time before I showed up.

I always disliked my mom, even hated her at times, for all kinds of reasons, and carried that emotion through decades of living and working in NY and raising my own family. My wife despised my mother, and vice versa. Oh, joy. I finally gave up trying to mediate that war 20 years ago. My wife is an educator with a masters degree, a strong political conscience and a cool, highly rational persona. My mom is a child of the streets who glomed onto my dad when she was 15 and never let go. By the time she was 35, she was having affairs--my dad was no Errol Flynn, to be fair--but my brother and I got caught in the middle of their miseries, and he escaped into the underworld of drugs, while I bailed out into the military, which saved me (my brother didn't fare as well).

Now, I'm here in Florida, surrounded by "seniors" (what a cute word), and I find after a year that my mom and I have become buddies. She's not the ogre I thought she was, far from it. She's tough, intelligent in a world-weary, intensely sensitive way, funny, and rough around the edges. She fights ever day to retain her essential femininity, which she admits defined her...her relationship to men throughout her life, whether my dad or her various lovers. Yet, when he died, she learned through some very hard times to take care of herself, pay her bills, make a life for herself, and she still works two days a week as a security "officer" (read guard) at her condo clubhouse. She's licensed, and wears a uniform with a badge!

I suppose living in NY for three decades, seeing her twice a year, perceiving her through the clouded filter of my wife's contempt and my own bad memories of how she had sabotaged my first marriage to a woman I deeply loved, I chose to view her from a distance as a self-absorbed shrew. She had little or no contact with her only grandchildren, my boys. I felt justified and superior to her and my passive, ineffectual dad.

Now, I realize I wasted thousands of dollars in therapy fees. Through our mutual need, we've worked through most of those old issues, and the more intransigent ones just don't seem important anymore. She got busted for a minor traffic offense, but was terrified about having to go to court before a judge. I went with her, stood by her, spoke for her, and the judge saw her genuine remorse and contrition. She got off, but it also opened something up between us, and from that breakthrough, we've developed a deep trust I never knew was possible with her, perhaps since I was an infant.

If she went soon, or if I went, I feel a peace between us that means a great, great deal, and it's changed my own anger, transformed it, an anger I carried with me like a huge stain on the front of my shirt. My wife and I are friends, and I deal with emotions toward her that used to drive my up the wall, but now just gently guide me up the wall, smiling. My sons have come to Florida and visited with her, dined with her, hugged her, talked with her. It's given them some sense of connection, and for her it's been very satisfying.

As for older people down here in general, I realize they're all individuals, but there are aspects of aged behavior that are repellent, no matter how "spry" or "robust" they may seem. The weak hearing, often forcing me to say the same thing 2 or 3 times, louder each time, the slo-mo walking, especially in front of you down a crowded sidewalk (I always think of Tim Conway on the old Carol Burnett Show), the stunning lack of courtesy, like interrupting private conversations without so much as a "pardon me", or banging into you with a walker, or conversely, speaking to you in the street without introduction or any social context, as if they're throwing verbal darts at a board ("Where's the Publix?!" , "Are you new here?", "Are you Jewish?"), all these not-so-endearing qualities do indeed require enormous patience.
Yes, "There but for the grace...", but not quite yet.

Stonecutter just said something I guess I thought seemed obvious in my post, but really, probably not. As much as I love my parents and as much as I'll grieve when they inevitably die, that's how much I've made peace with them.

I'll grieve, but it'll be clean. I won't suffer, especially from anguish so many go through when their parents die with issues and anger unresolved ... gulit grief, I call it. Mine did the best they could, we can't change the past, plus I've even received apologies for the worst of it. We appreciate and love each other in the here and now. Ergo, Shalom.

Lovely post, Sally.

My grandma will celebrate her 101st birthday on Sunday, and she still lives alone in her own house. I love her so much, though you are right about being patient.

I have seen it, though I never had a name for “guilt grief.” So true. I hope to avoid it.

My parents are still pretty young, and only at the “they keep their house kinda hot” stage. Hopefully, they will age as well as their parents did. Also, I did give you a thumbs up!

Greetings from Florida!
Kudos to you for spending time with your folks.
Too many older Floridians are put "out to pasture" here without so much as a phone call from their families.
You are a good and patient daughter. :)
(And duly rated)

Sally: What's the beef with hearing-aid wearing? Lots of us younger folks wear 'em. Associating such a negative stigma to wearing hearing aid devices creates situations in which people forgo their use for fear of being old.

You should've put down "bifocal-wearing" instead of "hearing-aid wearing." Unless that hits too close to home for the baby boomers?

Love your beautifully written, humorous, honest and heartfelt essay about the challenges of elderly parents. Awesome post.

You've got the patience thing soooo right. On Friday I took my 87 year-old mother to pick out a new cell phone. Have you ever brought an elderly person into a Verizon store? Talk about needing to have patience!! And old age hasn't stopped my mother from continuing to dispense unsolicited advice: to me, my sixty-something year-old sister, and my husband, too. Great for the marriage. Again, you got it. Pefectly.

Seriously, my mother was in just about the same shape as your folks until she fractured a vertebrae three years ago which led to a domino-like, downward spiral of nasty health problems. Before that, she took classes at Northwestern's Chicago campus, had subscriptions to Steppenwolf Theater and the Chicago Symphony. Even though she was healthy, her friends started to deterioriate one by one, but she valiantly kept making new buddies until the injury. After a while it became apparent that she couldn't handle the coop she'd lived in since 1967, and I had to use every ounce of pursuasion to convince her to move into a senior-friendly apartment building near our home. At first it was rough, but she just admitted the other day that the old place was getting to be too much for her to handle, and she really liked her new friends. Plus, a Trader Joe's had just opened next door.

This was definitely one of your best posts, thanks for reminding us of it.

I wish I would age as gracefully and independently as my grandmother.

Ain't this the truth: "No matter where we live, we're approaching our own Boca Midnight faster than we'd like to think."

Thankfully (or un-thankfully) both of my folks passed before this. However our family is smack-dab in the middle of the Boca Midnight. It's all at once funny and sad. Because of this, we found out that Nana's "musician boyfriend" was actually in the band of the OK State Penitentiary.

It is a different mindset. And all you can do is smile. And remember ...

Great choice.
Lovely
(rated)

Boca (in my best Brenda Vaccaro voice)! The only place on the planet where people will actually be nice to you only if they want your parking space at Costco or have a gun being held to their head for the Rolex.
I hear and feel this story, Sally. I'm living it......
Funny, sad and true....

Somehow, I missed this one (as I'm sure there are others that I've missed as well). It must have gone up around my Boca Naptime. ;-D

Thumbed - definitely a good pick for one of your faves, Sally. It's now one of mine as well. :-D

Great post, Sally. You absolutely nailed it.

Moana, follow your grandmother's lead and you will age as she does.

Anni, the penitentiary, Oy Vey! That really does take patience.

Thank you, Greg and Bill And Lea, somehow I knew you guys would just 'get' it.

Cartouche, The Boynton Beach Club! Could Dyan Cannon have looked any more ridiculous as a size -0 ? As my father used to say about skinny women: two fried eggs hanging on a nail.

My parents are a little younger than yours living in a gated community in South Florida. I have named it "The Land of Lexus and Lipitor". Thank you for reposting "Boca Midnight". I know exactly what you are talking about. RATED!

LuluandPhoebe, it is very hard, which is why it's nice to know we're not alone in the struggle to deal with it. And with our own impatience. Courage, we're in this together!

ClosureIsAMyth, you sure have a great way with names... Land of Lexus and Lipitor is so on the money, I love it. Let's hope we can all afford both when it's our turn.

ah Sally, this brings back memories of visiting my parents in their retirement community in So Cal (they're both gone now). It was quite the place. The funny thing was that my parents moved there in their early 70's, already with some health issues, and yet they complained about "all the old people" that were there! No one mocks the elderly as much as the elderly. We hear similar things from my partner's parents who are in a retirement community in Arizona.

This is really good, Sally. I am glad you brought this one up front again. I didn't get here until mid October so would never have found it. As one now getting into the issue of the body not going the way the mind wants to go I can understand some of the frustrations of your parents. I really applaud them for making the best of what they have, and I congratulate you for knowing the need for patience in dealing with them.

Well written, honest and truthful look at the reality of aging.

Monte

Lovely story, and I'm reminded of the Jerry Seinfeld joke:

"My parents retired and moved to Florida; they didn't want to, but it's the law."