Yours Truly and Ozzy at the Waldorf Hotel, NY, 1997.
I may look happy, but that's not a real smile, it's rictus.
(Note the size of his hands and my effort to keep them at bay).

"Though many bands have succeeded in earning the hatred of parents and media worldwide throughout the past few decades, arguably only such acts as Alice Cooper, Judas Priest and Marilyn Manson have tied the controversial record of Ozzy Osbourne." Barry Weber and Greg Prato, All Music Guide

Let's get a few things straight up front. No matter the title of this post, I never worked as a hooker for Ozzy Osbourne (or anybody else). I am not a Black Sabbath groupie. It wasn't an overnight. It was an evening, and Sharon was there too. The job wasn't about sex. It was a long, long, excruciatingly long interview with Ozzy on AOL.

I did get your attention, though. And the title is still true.

Actually, it was a job within a job. I was AOL's community guru. In 1997 I started working with AOL Entertainment to help capitalize on the highest user traffic and marketable content on the service.

I was (am) far from enamored with pop or rock stars, but as a former media producer, I was tapped to organize and produce Ozzy's first public interview in years -- an AOL online chat.

The purpose was to kick off his umpteenth comeback Ozzfest tour and a new CD. AOL was huge back then. Ozzy's "people" wisely chose AOL for his first interview because his fans couldn't actually hear or see him.

Believe me, it was a smart move.

For those not familiar with the venue, AOL users entered a special chatroom called AOL Live. They were assigned 'rows' which allowed them to talk chatroom style, only with people in that row.

At the top of the chat window was the 'stage' which showed two names, HOST and, in this case, OZZY O. Users could click on a popup form and enter a question for Ozzy. We'd cherry-pick the best questions.

HOST would type a question which appeared on the 'stage', "Betty1234 wants to know how hard is it to tour and do you ever forget what city you're in?"

OZZY O (through the person typing for him) would answer, "I don't even know what city I'm in now, Luv."

Ozzy's chat was the second hardest I ever produced. You'll have to guess the hardest. (Hint: big and purple). Degree of difficulty includes the celebrity's intelligence/ability to respond plus the make-up of the audience and number and tone of questions coming in from users.

Ozzy's fans were, well, you know, Goth. Icky. Young. Definitely stoned.

As a Boomer, the prospect of dealing with those fans was not my personal idea of Nirvana. The feeling, not the group.

The Famous Ozzy Back Story
I'm seriously anti heavy metal and the only thing I knew about Ozzy is too disgusting to repeat.

Oh, okay, I'll tell, but remember, you asked for it.

Ozzy's "people" had only one ironclad stipulation about the interview: there would be no questions about bats. If you know what that means, you're smiling -- or gagging.

If you're confused, here's the story: in the 1980's Ozzy and Black Sabbath were hard core alcohol and drug abusers. There were rumors of Satanism. During a now notorious concert, a fan threw a live bat onto the stage. Ozzy grabbed it and bit its head off. Yes, really.

(Real back story: Ozzy thought it was a fake bat, immediately started to vomit and staggered offstage. Fans went crazy thinking it was part of the show. In reality handlers had to cancel the show and get Ozzy to the nearest hospital for a series of painful rabies vaccinations.)

Even knowing the truth about the bat legend, I was pretty creeped out by the idea of meeting Ozzy in person. Not looking forward to spending time with a bizarre zonked out hard rocker. Especially since it was my job to help him connect with his fans on AOL.

A challenge, to say the least. But I love a challenge. Usually.

 
Sharon Osbourne (yes, really, before her transformation), left and Downtown Julie Brown

Meeting Ozzy
As a devoted fan of The Boss, Bob Dylan and Motown, the prospect of meeting Ozzy Osbourne was decidedly underwhelming.

We met in a deluxe penthouse atop New York's posh Waldorf Astoria Hotel. 'Downtown Julie Brown' --one of MTV's original VJ's-- was supposed to be the interviewer.

The interview was planned to set up the next day's announcement of the new tour while Ozzy signed his new CD, The Ozzman Cometh for fans at a midtown Tower Records.

Expecting the worst, I was surprised when a pleasant, squeaky clean man in a navy velour Adidas track suit, complete with fanny pack, wandered into the room and rather diffidently asked is this AOL and does anyone have a Pepsi and an ashtray.

We'd set up a round table with two laptops. I would type the intro, Julie the questions and a kid from AOL's New Yor office Ozzy's answers. We quickly added bottles of Pepsi and several ashtrays for Ozzy's omnipresent Marlboro Lights.

While we chatted before the interview I was struck by three things. Ozzy's glossy, glorious mane of hair. His name tattooed on his multi-ringed fingers. And his quiet, quirky but undeniable charm. Yes, really.

The Ozzy AOL Interview
Somebody forgot to find out if 'Downtown Julie Brown' could type. She couldn't. And without scripted cue cards, couldn't conduct an interview either. So I jumped in to do both while she sat next to Ozzy, poured his Pepsi and chain-lit his cigarettes.

As the online interview progressed it became clear he's not all there. It was absolute hell to pull coherent answers from him. (In truth, Sharon gave more than a few to the Ozzy typist along the way). But the little brain power and personality that remains is that of a talented man with charisma to spare.

If you've seen him as the befuddled father in the MTV reality series The Osbournes, and paid some attention to the words between the expletive-deleted beeps, you know what I mean.

He is incredibly profane. I had to think fast to quickly type around every possible curse word in the English language. But he's also smart. And witty. He's totally devoted to--and dependent upon--Sharon. And he holds no illusions about his checkered past, its effect on his children, and on other people's children too.

He spoke candidly about his former drug and alcohol abuse and urged his fans not to make the same mistakes. In fact, one of his best lines came in answer to a question about the extent of his drug use.

"My drug use? Well, Luv, if they ever dropped a nuclear bomb on New York," Ozzy said. "The only things left alive would be cockroaches, Keith Richards and me."

Not a pretty picture. But a great image. As you might glean from the picture above--one of the many he graciously posed for in addition to signing studio photos for us and our kids--Ozzy Osbourne clean and sober is actually a pretty nice guy.

But I don't ever want to spend a night with him again.